A Glimmer of Hope

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

Today is day 5 of medications. 

I feel the difference this time around. My abdominal area is already feeling ‘tight’ and a bit crampy. I know there is growth already going on in there and I am hopeful that today’s appointment will reveal a positive response to the increased medication. 

Let the blood draws begin!

I look at today’s appointment as “The scary day 5 monitoring appointment”.

In the previous 2 IVF cycles, this is the day that I go in for blood work and an ultrasound and the technician remains quiet. 

A few hours later, I would get a call from my medical team sharing that the doctor is not impressed with the ultrasound results and need to up the dose of medication. For both cycles, this put me back 2+ days of follicle growth, extending the days I was on medication. 

I’m hoping for a different outcome today. 

**

The ladies at the clinic were lovely and I ended up asking for more information about what they were seeing. 

The lady performing the ultrasound shared that she is counting 22 follicles, one that is measuring a bit larger than the rest. 

Way to go little one!

I leave feeling good about the report so far and wait to hear from Nurse Emily. 

**

A headache kicks in. 

It must be the higher medications I’m on. 

I can’t nap. There must be something wrong with me- I’m known to my friends as a Champion Napper. 

The call comes in. Nurse Emily reports that everything looks good. Nothing negative and to remain at the current dose of meds. 

A glimmer of hope. 

A different report then what I’m used to. 

Maybe this round will produce a different outcome. 

I learn that day 5 of my last IVF cycle counted 17 follicles and we all know how that turned out. 

She assured me that I’m on the right track and just to continue progressing as I have. 

No increase in medication, thankfully! 

And there probably won’t be an increase since I’m on the highest dose. 

No wonder my body is already feeling out of sorts. 

I lay down, close my eyes, thank God for the follicles that are growing and pray for the strength to move through today with a positive outlook amidst the pounding tension that grips my forehead.  

Gonal F: 375 IU

Menopur: 225 IU

Walking the Tightrope

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The green light has been given to start medications. This time around, Dr. Brahma has me starting on a much higher dose and although I’m excited by the change in hopes of having a major increase in egg follicles, I’m also nervous of a negative response to such a high amount of hormones entering my body.

Will I sleep well? Will my body feel like I’m carrying around bowling balls? Will I be able to be present with Little Princess while accepting these doses into my body?

Only time will tell.

That time starts tonight!

An image has come into my head as I pause to think about what’s about to occur.

I have just slipped on those little white slipper-shoes that have a soft bottom and I stand on the edge of a cliff with my right foot stretching out for the rope. I put my arms out in a straight line and with my heart pounding, I point my toes on my right foot.

Walking The Tightrope As The World Experiences Its Shadow: My Covid-19 Life | Walking The Tightrope As The Whole World Experiences Their Shadows: My Covid-19 Era Life

What am I to look at? I know I can’t look down or I will begin to wobble.

I know I can’t look around to the left or the right because I will teeter in that direction.

Instead, I lift my chin with intention and focus on what is directly in front of me.

What I see is a beautiful sunrise bursting through the clouds.

Confidently, I lean my weight onto my right foot.

Let the faith walk begin.

Treatment: Tonight, I will do the first shots into my abdomen and will continue with this for 4 days before I return for my second ultrasound and bloodwork check in.

MAJOR DOSE INCREASE!

Gonal F- 375 IU

Menopur- 225 IU

Amazing Grace

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This past month I have been focusing on self-care and loving my body well. I have been relaxing (as much as I can with the realities of life), taking care of my body physically, my mind with emotions and my soul with my spiritual connection.

From a medical standpoint, I switched out .2mg patches every 2 days for the last 30 days added progesterone these past 10 days. It’s the same routine I have been through multiple months before. Same reactions, same sleepy eyes and weird dreams mixed with sensations of hormones racing through my veins at 2am.  

We wait for my body to release all the buildup of the past month for us to begin our next, and possibly final, round of IVF stimulation.

dance with God | The Sophia Center for Spirituality
Dancing with God

I am ready. My body is ready. I have been praying for whatever is left inside of my body to be given up to this upcoming cycle. For my body to release the perfect follicle(s) and for God to show off, once again.

It has become abundantly clear that I am not in control of this process. Medicine is not in control of this process.

There are many nights I think about those who become pregnant when they don’t want to be or when they are not trying to be and think how drastically different my experience has been. I wonder what it would feel like to become sick and take a pregnancy test and be utterly shocked that there were 2 lines starring back at me.

Yet, I find something incredibly beautiful about the IVF process and feel undeniably lucky to have the opportunity to dance so intimately with God in the step-by-step process of bringing a human into this world.

Amazing Grace is playing in the background of my room as I write this. “It is well with my soul”, how true those words feel to me today.

I pray I may carry this same peace as we begin the medications and turn my fears and ‘what if’s’ into prayers of surrender, faith, trust and gratitude.

In the vein of humor, I ordered my medications for overnight delivery because the Gonal-F has to be refrigerated and here we sit 3 days later and the shipping notification on my phone reads “delivery undetermined”. This ol’ cowgirl has been through a few rodeos by this point and am grateful that my reaction is laughter and not fear or anger. I know I will call the pharmacy tomorrow and get it all straightened out. I know there is not much to worry about when it comes to the steps that are ahead. God is bigger than anything that is brought before me and my only prayer is that I may keep him in my sight and front of mind as I experience these upcoming 14-18 days.

Thanks for the chuckle, God.

Preparing the body… and the mind

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My body is tired.

I am tired. My body feels worn out. Used.

It has been through a lot this past month and it’s taking a bit of time for it to feel calm again.

I have returned to acupuncture to help support the regulation of my hormones and restoration of my body.

The hot flashes at night were intense and then inability to get a good night sleep impaired my daily responsibilities.

I get it, I had a lot of medication pulsing through my body for over two weeks.

That’s a lot to put on my body. Especially when it’s not used to having much hormone interaction in my daily, weekly, monthly living.

Now is the time to treat my body with love and respect.

It just went through a big procedure and we are gearing up for it to go through it one more time.

Prep the Body

In preparing for our next egg retrieval, Dr. B keeps me on estrogen patches.

This time they are .2mg and I change the out every other day.

This will help keep my estrogen levels high so that when we begin the next cycle, my body will already be primed for the medication.

I am altering my workouts from intense, heart-pumping, feel-good cardio (jogging & spinning) to flexibility and muscle holds (yoga & pilates).

Adding an extra healthy fat into my already balanced food plan will also help support my body with what is about to occur.

I have also returned to the full supplemental regimen that is coined the “IVF Cocktail” to build up all the good stuff to try and maximize this next cycle.

With less than four weeks until we begin the next stimulation (stim) cycle, I am anxious, nervous, excited, hopeful, and curious.

What are you going to do this time around, God?

Prep the Mind

Those are just the outside things though.

What I am really battling with is this evil little voice telling me that I haven’t done a good enough job with my daughter to ‘earn’ a second child.

It’s horrible to even write that thought out but this is what plays over and over in my head.

“You are not doing a good enough job with what has been given to you so why would you get another one? You can’t handle it? You won’t be a good mom to two kids. It will be too much and it will break your marriage”.

I begin to think, maybe God is not pleased with me and doesn’t trust me with another one of His babies because of how hard it has been for me to learn how to parent the one He did give me.

Icky, icky, icky. Shake that out of my head and out of my being.

Take Care of Yourself

I don’t like the way that feels on my skin and I want to believe that I am doing a great job with what I have.

Talk about a dose of humility for parenting.

Aren’t we all just doing to the best we can with what we have?

At least, I hope we all are doing our best.

The days are long… sometimes the minutes drag on and I think, it’s not even lunchtime yet.

And yet, when she is down for her nap or in bed for the night, I miss her and I love her.

I capture those little amazing moments that make me so happy and full of joy to see her learning this world. I love being with her as she learns and grows and want nothing more than to have another to be able to experience more of the simplicity of life.

The years are short… and I know that before I know it, she will be all grown up and I will miss her even more.

God, I pray we can enjoy what we have while hoping for an addition to our family.

Receiving the Genetic Results

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In the very late afternoon, an ‘Unknown Caller’ is ringing my phone.

 “Hello, this is Hilary”, I answer.

“Hi Hilary, this is Dr. Bhrama from SGF, is this a good time?” I hear.

Oh, my goodness, it’s her!

She is calling with the PGT-A/PGS/CCS report.

“Yes, of course. Let me get Hubby on the line”, I respond.

With Hubby on the line, she begins to share the news.

By the words she selects to use to begin the sentence, I knew our blastocyst/embryo is not chromosome normal.

She soon confirms my guess.

We learn that there is an extra chromosome on the first chromosome and if we were to transfer it would not remain a viable pregnancy.

We would miscarry.

We spend the remainder of the call discussing what this means for us and what our next steps will be.

I will spend this cycle maintaining and building a healthy hormone reserve to prepare me for our next stim cycle which will begin next month, at the start of my next period.

She will put us on a different medical protocol with the hopes of a better outcome.

I want to trust her.

I do trust her.

I am just sad.

We get off the phone with a plan in place.

The processing of this information begins.

Through my rollercoaster of emotions, I am recognizing how much God is showing me.

When we began this IVF round a few months back, I was fearful that our decision to do IVF again was taking the control out of God’s hands and forcing ‘my will and my plans’ to happen.

I was fearful that I would be pushing my agenda upon God and telling him what was going to happen.

As I sit here this morning, I am filled with humility.

No scientific procedure will make a child without God’s help.

I can take all the medication, eat all the right food, take all the right supplements and have eggs taken out of me, sperm washed and specifically chosen and put into the egg, have cell growth occur and look under a microscope like it’s the best grade blastocyst… and it not be God’s will.

Science can bring us closer to that point of creating life.

Ultimately though, it’s God who is the giver of life.

As we begin our focus on this next egg retrieval round (which will most likely be our final IVF round), I turn my eyes to God and open my hands.

Lord, if it’s your will for us to bring a child into this world, please grant us this gift.

Lord, I give you control over my life and pray to release my hands from the grip I have had on my wants and desires.

I surrender to you, I trust you. Please be with me as we walk through this next round together.