How Many Lines?

It’s been one week since the transfer and I have so much anxiety and worry that I feel overly uncomfortable.

First, I don’t like that I’m this caught up with negative emotions. Of course, I want this baby to stick and to be pregnant a second time and yet I don’t feel this level of anxious worry is healthy.

My fear is that I am so worried because I know deep down that I’m not pregnant.

With our daughter, I remember having more peace and trust in ‘knowing’ there was a life inside of me.

We took a home pregnancy test one week after the transfer of our daughter and it was positive, confirming the peace and joy I felt.

This time around, I went into the transfer with fear it wouldn’t work.

Did I create my own self-fulfilling prophesy?

I take the early detector home pregnancy test.

One line.

Negative.

We aren’t pregnant.

Or, there isn’t enough hCG in my system to detect a pregnancy yet.

I keep looking at the stick, straining to see a faint second line. Hoping that it is struggling to appear.

Nothing.

My blood test for my doctor is in three days.

I have to believe there is a reason why the doctor wants to do it 11-12 days after the transfer and not 8 days.

I get my hopes up that this is just a false negative and in fact I am pregnant.

I want so much for that to be our story.

The reality is, I might not be pregnant.

All these months of medications, testing’s, blood work, pokes, prods, retrievals, waiting, praying… with no successful end result.

I have to shake these thoughts out of my head.

I don’t know the blood test results. Until we do, I can pray for a miracle that this life is in fact growing inside of me.

This is so hard. My heart wants to know how to feel.

It’s too scared to feel hope and it’s too resistant to feel sad. 

Pushing down the doubt and self-protective shield I put up through my negative thoughts- I have to turn to God for help.

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