Amazing Grace

This past month I have been focusing on self-care and loving my body well. I have been relaxing (as much as I can with the realities of life), taking care of my body physically, my mind with emotions and my soul with my spiritual connection.

From a medical standpoint, I switched out .2mg patches every 2 days for the last 30 days added progesterone these past 10 days. It’s the same routine I have been through multiple months before. Same reactions, same sleepy eyes and weird dreams mixed with sensations of hormones racing through my veins at 2am.  

We wait for my body to release all the buildup of the past month for us to begin our next, and possibly final, round of IVF stimulation.

dance with God | The Sophia Center for Spirituality
Dancing with God

I am ready. My body is ready. I have been praying for whatever is left inside of my body to be given up to this upcoming cycle. For my body to release the perfect follicle(s) and for God to show off, once again.

It has become abundantly clear that I am not in control of this process. Medicine is not in control of this process.

There are many nights I think about those who become pregnant when they don’t want to be or when they are not trying to be and think how drastically different my experience has been. I wonder what it would feel like to become sick and take a pregnancy test and be utterly shocked that there were 2 lines starring back at me.

Yet, I find something incredibly beautiful about the IVF process and feel undeniably lucky to have the opportunity to dance so intimately with God in the step-by-step process of bringing a human into this world.

Amazing Grace is playing in the background of my room as I write this. “It is well with my soul”, how true those words feel to me today.

I pray I may carry this same peace as we begin the medications and turn my fears and ‘what if’s’ into prayers of surrender, faith, trust and gratitude.

In the vein of humor, I ordered my medications for overnight delivery because the Gonal-F has to be refrigerated and here we sit 3 days later and the shipping notification on my phone reads “delivery undetermined”. This ol’ cowgirl has been through a few rodeos by this point and am grateful that my reaction is laughter and not fear or anger. I know I will call the pharmacy tomorrow and get it all straightened out. I know there is not much to worry about when it comes to the steps that are ahead. God is bigger than anything that is brought before me and my only prayer is that I may keep him in my sight and front of mind as I experience these upcoming 14-18 days.

Thanks for the chuckle, God.

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