Nurse Hubby

The final round of Clomid is complete and ‘the week’ is here. We have been excited to see what everything looks like that’s been growing. I headed to the doctor, hopeful there would be at least 1 viable follicle and a good thick uterine lining. I have been praying for my womb each night before I go to bed, for God to prepare it and do whatever was necessary to be healthy and fruitful.

Two follicles! Wahoo. Excited to see the Clomid had worked and my lining is 6mm (healthy).

The bummer is the follicles are too small (on day 13), so I made an appointment for day 15.

Within the 2 days, they grew a little more, yippee!! But still not big enough to trigger an ovulation.

Major bummer! What are you going to do? Unfortunately, we are in a circumstance where we are not able to come in to the doctor in the next 7 days, so do we risk foregoing an ovulation? I say this because I have needed help from an HCG trigger shot for all these previous rounds of Clomid so if I don’t get that boost of a hormone, I don’t know if my body will ovulate?

After a little bit of convincing, they send me home with an HCG trigger shot to administer on our own. Ah, what? I am not great at inflicting pain on myself and my Hubby is not too excited about sticking my backside with something that makes me bleed.IMG_1703.jpg

They walk through the instructions of how to suck up 1cc of the sanitary water into the syringe using the thicker gauged needle and then squirt it into the vial that has the powdered medication. Roll it in my hands and then change the needle to a smaller (22) gauge needle to suck it all up and then poke it into my bottom. They said ‘we don’t want to put you through a larger gauge needle’ when giving me the smaller.

Thank you, I thought.

We have now crossed over to the next level of medical.

Praying that I would ovulate on my own between now and day 19 (which was the last day they wanted me to go before triggering).

Day 16– no blinking smiley face

Day 17– Blinking smiley face! Oh come on Solid smiley face…

Day 18– Blinking smiley face…. bummer…

Day 19– Blinking smiley face…. (sigh).

It’s time.

We watched a few YouTube videos on administering shots to the bottom. Hubby washed his hands and we found the right spot that he would stick me.

I prepared the medicine as outlined by the nurses and handed the shot to Hubby who was sitting on the toilet seat in the bathroom.


Uh, what was that? I turned around.

The shot was not in his hand and his eyes were pointing toward the ground.

There… sticking straight out of the white shag bathroom mat, nose down, our HCG shot.

Are you serious?

I bend over, try to pick it out of the rug and it’s stuck. I wiggle the needle point out of the mat as it’s tip had bent making a tiny hook around the mat fibers. I narrowed to the point of the needle, it was no longer sharp.

Hubby quickly reminded me we cannot try to use it as it’s not sterile (even though I was contemplating just doing it anyway).

What are we supposed to do now? This was our last round of Clomid and now we cannot even ensure an Ovulation. We may have just forgone our chance this time around.IMG_1704

My heart sank.

Hubby felt horrible… It wasn’t his fault.

There is one more option.

The larger gauged needle.

The same needle the nurses laughed to me about not ‘putting me through that’.

It’s our only option if we want to force the Ovulation with the HCG.

With sweat beginning to surface on my hands in anticipation of this thicker needle entering my skin, I changed out the needles and gave it to Hubby.

What was it going to feel like? How sore would I be? Would that much larger of a needle really hurt?

He poked once… not going in.

He poked twice…. not going in.

In a serious tone, I said, “just force it in there, like a dart”.

He poked a third time and it went in!

Thicker than what I recall… absolutely!

The medicine was administered.

My bottom was sore.

But these are the lengths we go to, right?

The sacrifices for another human being are great and they begin well before they even enter our wombs and lives.

The supplements, the healthy eating, the exercising. All the recommendations of what we can be doing to help foster a healthy environment.

Re-researching the HCG to ensure we had it all correct… ovulation occurs between 24-36 hours after administration of the HCG and the egg lives in a woman’s body for 12-24 hours. So essentially, plan for timed intercourse 24, 36, 42 hours after the shot.

Hubby thought he was done but he still has work to do. At least we are still having fun with this whole process.

I’m grateful that we are a team and God is strengthening our marriage each step of the way. Our conversations about kids and having a family is raw and realistic as we don’t know what our future holds. What we do know though, is we have each other. For today. We can enjoy what is in our life and accept the story God is still to write.

Keeping Expectations Low to Protect My Heart

download.jpgThose darn smiley faces just don’t want to show up this week. I am beginning to question if my body has the ability to produce the right hormones to get pregnant. I’m beginning to question a lot about my body and the “ifs” of this process.

Today will be my first ultrasound to see what the Clomid was able to produce.

Sadly, I’m not feeling too hopeful about this round. Especially now as I don’t have any sign of an increase in the HCG hormone. What if there aren’t any viable follicles? I still feel pretty defeated by the news from my doctor that she may not be able to help much longer.

I don’t want to have to do more fertility… spend more money. Why doesn’t this come naturally? I’m feeling bad about my reality and wishing this isn’t my story.

What did I do to my body that made me this way?

I also feel pretty bad for my hubby. He desires a baby too and I feel I’m the problem that’s preventing us from getting pregnant.

As we look to fertility clinics, the question is, how much do we want to spend on trying to have our own biological baby? At what point, will we decide it’s just too much money for the gamble? I wish fertility treatments weren’t so expensive. For something that happens to people at no cost at all, it makes me upset that it is so expensive.

I really don’t want money to be the main concern I have for bringing a baby into this world, but does it really have to be this hard? Is it supposed to be this hard? Or am I forcing something to happen that is not supposed to?

Is this God’s way of saying that I’m not supposed to have my own babies? Or maybe He’s wanting me to stop all this fertility ‘assistance’ and let him work in my life to give us a true miracle.

Either way, this is my last round of Clomid. I need to put this down for a while until my heart is in a better place.

I am still going to go through the emotions of this week… with a very low expectant heart. It’s hard to accept Gods plan when it’s different than what I thought it would be.

My defensive wall builds up in these moments. I begin to ask myself, do I really want to have a baby right now though? I am loving my quiet mornings, space I get to write and be with my thoughts for extended periods of time. How I get to spend time and attention on my marriage and growing in my relationship with Hubby. Having a baby would disrupt my world, am I ready for that? Do I want that? I know I do want a family and want to raise little humans. So how can I be hopeful that it will happen, and accepting that it’s not my present reality? That my life is pretty darn good without a baby and having a baby won’t make my life more amazing (well, maybe it will), it will just make my life experiences different than they are right now.

Oh to let go and just trust.

I take a deep breath and just soak in the space of where I am right now. Acceptance is always the key… so how can I be focused on what I am grateful for, in this moment? If I truly believe in God’s amazing plan, I can take my hands off this wheel and just sit back and enjoy the ride.

God will take me to where I am to go in this world.

Reality Hurts

sadness-07.jpgWhat I thought would be a simple visit to the OBGYN with an ultrasound to clear me to start another round of Clomid (just like all the others I’ve had) turned into a dose of painful reality.

“You may want to make an appointment with the fertility clinics, we may have done all we can do at this level.”

This will be round number four of Clomid (round five if you count the first one when I didn’t have any follicle growth) and my doctor is a little more hesitant than she has been in the past.

Typically, she prescribes four to five rounds, sometimes six, before referring patients to a fertility clinic based on data that shows after three rounds, the success rate actually goes down.


My heart is low as I have been hoping that we would get pregnant with Clomid and not need to advance to the fertility clinic world of systems where patients become just another number. I have friends who have been through and are currently patients at two of the top fertility clinics in Colorado, one is the top in the US… all report feeling as though they are just another number.

There is a desire for me to feel unique and special, as though someone truly cares about what I’ve been through and will ensure the care necessary for our success in growing a family.

I don’t want to be lumped into the group of just another person with “XYZ” diagnosis and then carted along without really being known and understood.


It costs more money to go to a fertility clinic. Is it worth the cost? Would our money be served better going towards adoption? how far are we willing to go for our own DNA into a child?

I’m scared we won’t have the money to pay for all that they are asking.

I’m scared we won’t get pregnant and I’ll have to feel the pain of accepting we won’t have our own biological child.

I’m scared it won’t work for me. Proving I’m even more broken than I have known to be.


Incredible community of people I can lean on. Nothing anyone does or says really helps at this point. I don’t really want to talk about it but I also don’t want to stuff it down. There isn’t anything anyone can say or do at this point to help, except just to listen when I am feeling up to talk about it.

This type of comfort does not come from here, it needs to come from within and above.

I just need to “be” for a little. Quieting the crashing waves inside my soul, to be at peace in knowing my truth and accepting what “is” for me today.

You can find me snuggled on my couch, under a blanket with a book and journal and music in the background. I’ll come out when I’m ready.


If something is not coming to you naturally, how far do you push to make it happen? It’s been said that if It comes easy then it’s Gods will because He’s making it happen. If it’s not happening then to accept it as it is and trust that God will bring it if it’s supposed to.

So how do you know when to stop trying? Stop putting in the effort. We can do our 1%, so when does it become clear that the efforts are no longer needed?


There is a possibility that we won’t need to go down the fertility clinic route. I still have one round of Clomid to go before this referral takes place (possibly 2 if we can convince our doctor).

I am grateful there are fertility clinics available to go to and that I will get to be a number on the patient list. Born in a different time or in a different country, I may not have this option.

Focusing on today and the possibility of this round being ‘the one’ while praying for a healthy body, mind, and spirit through these next few weeks.

Grateful for my life as it is today. Enjoying all the moments that I DO HAVE in front of me as opposed to looking at what I want and don’t yet have. Focusing on the amazing gifts of this life.


Seeing that I can’t force myself to become pregnant and can’t ‘do’ anything more to ‘make’ it happen, I turn to prayer. Knowing God is amazingly miraculous with His ways and can do anything, I’ve seen it. I believe in Him and trust in what his timing and plans will be for Hubby and me.

As I take the day 5 Clomid medication, I place my hands on my stomach and pray for healthy follicles and eggs to be growing inside of me. I pray for any negativity to be washed away from my body and for Hubby’s swimmers to be strong and ready when the time comes.

This I CAN do.

And really, this is all I can do.

Emotional rollercoaster

emotional-roller-coaster.jpgWe didn’t even have to debate how long we should wait until we take a pregnancy test. I woke up today with an achy back and knew that something was going to happen and sure enough it did! I got a period.

What a mixture of emotions. I’m not really sure how to think or feel at the moment.

I was really thinking that we were pregnant this time around and what is frustrating is we are doing EVERYTHING we are supposed to be doing to make it work and it’s not working.

What are we doing wrong or what is wrong with my body that the egg (if there is one inside these follicles we are seeing) is not meeting up with the sperm (which have said to be strong) and then implanting in the uterine lining (that I’m wearing estrogen patches for to build the thickness).

What are we missing? Why haven’t we become pregnant and how much longer do we have to go through these ups and downs.

I’m starting to question how many rounds of fertility my mind and heart can take.

Getting so hopeful and being positive for what could be this time around is helpful, but tiring. I’m tired of the letdown and the emotions that come with knowing that there is not a baby forming this month.

And there may not ever be. We won’t know that until we walk this path for a while.

I am super excited to have a period, don’t miss that. This means I don’t have to go through 10 days of Provera (progesterone) to force a period. My body is actually reacting normally right now which is positive.

Might this be the month then, if I’m reacting normally and we are on a higher dose of Clomid?

We visit the doctor this week to get checked out and decide our course of action.

Am I ready (mentally) to do another round? God, do you want us to keep trying with all the doctor interventions?

Sometimes I question if we are supposed to simply let go altogether of the medications and the doctor’s appointments and let God work his miracles completely on his own… I mean, he is powerful enough, right?

Helpful Distractions

images.jpgI am grateful to report that last 2 weeks have not been too terrible as there have been many other things to focus our time and energy on.

The last cycle, it seemed like I was pulling my hair out each day waiting to be able to pee on that stick. Conversations back and forth in my head about wanting to just go ahead and do it and then justification as to why I should wait.

This time, I feel grateful for the other ‘life’ things going on that I am not as focused.

If I were to dig a little deeper though. I’m not ready for the heartache of another negative pregnancy test and the reality that we are not pregnant.

I like being in this state of hopeful possibility and the pregnancy test would just make the reality known.

I am scared to be sad. Scared to be let down. I don’t know how many more negative’s/no’s/not this time’s I can take. This might be our last round of Clomid for a bit. I think I might need a break from the emotional drain.

Although I don’t feel I’m placing too much expectation on this cycle, I want to remain positive and hopeful. I hear that a positive mindset creates positive results.

Might it be that I am to continue to ask for God’s will to be done as opposed to a positive result? I think so.

Today I feel ‘quiet’ in heart and soul. I don’t really have much more to say about that.