We have become information gatherers.

Clicking through websites, reading reviews, talking with friends and friends of friends, scrolling through Reddit posts, praying, journaling, and just waiting.

Side note: Through our visits with different doctors, I was diagnosed with PCOS (again). I’m over the idea of diagnosis. At this point, I don’t really care, as long as we can get pregnant.

I am tired.

I know this is a big decision and it would be so much easier if someone would make it for me. It doesn’t work that way.

I am an adult and adults make decisions and learn to live with the outcomes.

I just don’t want to make a decision because I don’t want to be wrong and I certainly don’t want to regret the path we decide to take… wondering, what if…

As I mentioned, we have done our research, from Colorado-based clinics to North Carolina, Maryland, New York, Barbados, Mexico, Canada, Israel, and the Czech Republic.

There is no shortage of IVF clinics around the world.

The question is which one is going to be our best option for becoming pregnant and carrying a baby full-term?

We have learned that the percentage of success with a fresh transfer is much lower and therefore it would be recommended to do a frozen transfer… meaning at least 2 cycles and 2 separate visits to whichever clinic we decide upon.

The lingo has become second nature to me so let me share the process:

• Since I don’t have a period to even begin this process, that is where they will begin.
• I will start birth control to get my body onto a cycle. I will take medication for 21 days and then go off to create a bleed. Day 1.
• Starting on Day 2 or 3, I will begin follicle stimulating medications (these are shots) on a daily basis for upwards of 10 days.
• Doctors will monitor the medication through bloodwork and ultrasounds, measuring the size of the follicles. The goal is to get as many follicles growing as possible.
• Around day 10-12 of my cycle, I will give myself an HCG trigger shot to force ovulation.
• 36 hours after the shot they will put me under (with anesthesia) and surgically remove the eggs from my body. They do this by sticking each follicle-cyst with a needle that drains the liquid carrying the egg into the doctor’s care.
• From here they will use Hubby’s sample and fertilize all the viable eggs.
• Watching the eggs for 5-6 days to see which are growing healthy cells they can insert an egg back in me. This is a Fresh transfer.
• The remaining eggs (now called blastocysts) are tested for proper chromosomes.
• The healthy blastocysts are frozen to be used another time.
• When we were ready, doctor’s would then recreate a cycle through medication and by suppressing ovulation would then transfer one of our eggs back into me. This is called a Frozen transfer.

There is a higher success rate for Frozen transfers based on a variety of factors.

• The blastocysts used are chromosomally healthy
• The body is clear of the medications used for stimulation

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All this makes me wonder if I’m trying too hard to make something happen that clearly is not in the cards for me.

Meaning, this whole process is supposed to happen naturally. Instead, IVF is the process by which doctors take over the whole conception process and MAKE it all happen. (Although they don’t make the baby stay in… meaning there is still a whole lot of God in all of this process of the baby attaching and growing healthy to full-term).

Since my body doesn’t do it naturally then maybe I need to simply accept that my body is not created to do this whole getting pregnant thing on its own and to let it be.

I am wrestling with this.

I know God created women to carry babies and even commanded that we be fruitful and multiply. God, we are trying! WHY don’t you help us fulfill this?

I know that my body has not ‘worked’ normally for years:

• So is it MY WILL trying to have my own baby?

OR

• It is for me to be grateful that modern science has closed the gap for those of us whose bodies don’t work as they are supposed to?

When I sit with this, I am torn. I just want God to bless us with children.

But I want so badly to have a family and to have my own babies. When I sit quietly, I know God is with me and that He is pleased with either decision (IVF or adoption).

So what is the next step?

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We sit on opposite sides of the street, disconnected. With all the research on which clinic we would go with, Hubby and I are split.

Currently, I feel comfortable with the two Colorado-based clinics (CCRM and Conceptions). Hubby feels comfortable with a clinic abroad.

I don’t like being disconnected. It’s much easier when we are on the same team and the same page moving forward. So does this mean we are at a wash? Needing to agree to disagree on how to move forward with IVF?

Possibly.

What this means then is that I am going to have to move on from IVF and begin looking into adoption.

Am I ready to move on from IVF?

No

But if Hubby and I aren’t able to be on the same page, I might have to.