Blinking Smiley Face (really?)

clip-art-smiley-face.jpgI spent the weekend (days 10-12) praying for my ovaries to produce an egg and preparing my uterine wall for a cushy space to nest the little one.

On day 12 I woke up to a blinking smiley face on my ovulation stick. Excited to see this because it means my body is reacting and in the next few days this blinking smiley should turn into a solid and that means I’m ovulating! I can’t help but think there are one or more eggs developing in there and am excited to think I could have twins.

Day 13– Ultra Sound

Still a blinking smiley face and the opportunity to take a look at what’s going on in there. My husband and I show up to the appointment as though we are going to meet our little one… hopeful parents, just to be disappointed.

Not only were there no follicles to be found, the technician couldn’t see any signs of PCOS (WHAT?!) and there was a large cyst-type matter which the technician believes is on the outside of my uterus (WHAT?!). I’m beyond confused at this point and quite discouraged. What was all that sick feeling about if the Clomid wasn’t DOING anything?

 My uterine lining was only 4cm and by this point needed to be closer to 8cm so they slapped an estrogen patch on me and said to come back in 2 days for another ultrasound… okay, I am a bit concerned.

 Day 15– Ultra Sound number 2

Canceled based on the fact that there was still a blinking smiley face… not ovulating. But what was that cyst? Will that be in the way of me getting pregnant?

Day 16– Blinking Smiley face

I’m starting to hate this blinking smiley face. What seemed so hopeful a few days ago is now flashing at me, saying to me “your body’s not working… your body’s not working…” Maybe I’ll ovulate late? I’ve heard this happens. People ovulate on day 18 or 20… I’ll keep peeing on this stick, not the first pee of the day like is suggested on the box, but the 2nd or 3rd as recommended by my doctor. Keep the faith, God is in control, He knows the timing and process in which all this happens.

**Side note- today I was reminded of the frailty of life and how small and out of our hands, our lives truly are. As much as I want to calculate and prescribe every movement and date of this process, I am humbled to know that God is in control… and I am not. I can plan all I want, God is still in control of my life and what goes on around me. I have to let go of planning… I know this to be true, I’m just stumped on how I do this on a regular basis.

Day 17– Blinking… maybe I need to accept that this month is not the month of our start to a family. I can see that it has been a good process to go through and in many ways may be preparing my body for what’s to come. This month is a practice round.

Day 18- Blinking. Ok, maybe the stick thing is broken.

I mean, I have a couple of friends who told me they got pregnant even though their ovulation indicator never detected ovulation… so maybe that’s true for me too? My husband has been so patient with me as I have all these thoughts and hypotheses as to what is going on in my body. We continue to follow the doctor’s schedule of being with each other every other day so there is a possibility that an egg slipped by and all these thoughts are for no reason because there is a little one growing inside (hey, it’s a possibility). Is that why my stomach feels crampy today? Possibly. Anything is possible. I do know that is a fact. So I will continue to wait. My doctor wanted me to call tomorrow to give an update on what happened this weekend to decide if I will continue wearing the estrogen patch. A part of me hopes she says to let it all go for the remainder of this month and that we will start again next month. Feeling a bit let down, and yet not surprised. When I keep my expectations low… I tend to not be let down too much.

Day 19– Blinking… I’m not smiling.

That darn thing keeps smiling at me, but I’m not smiling. Hoping the stick is broken, I call my doctor for the next steps. Her suggestion felt flat.

“Wait until day 35 and if I don’t have a period then to test to see if I’m pregnant. If not, we will start on Progesterone for 10 days to force the second period and then double the dose of Clomid for a 2nd round.”

That’s it.

This month of trying is over and we have to wait until the next…

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The taste of Clomid

I can’t really taste the actual medicine of Clomid, it’s more the physical reaction my body has to the small white pill.

Day 5- Starting Clomid.

In hopeful anticipation, I am curious with what the Clomid will do. My doctor wants this first month to be an ‘experiment’ to see how my body reacts to the Clomid. I’m confident I will have plenty of eggs to choose from given my diagnosis of PCOS and the fact that I have ovulated by myself in the past.

Day 6-10 ICK!

Ok, this has not been the most fun week. I feel sick to my stomach each morning and have been experiencing diarrhea type symptoms (sorry, I know that’s gross). I will plan better for next time around to keep my days/nights very low key as my body does feel this medication surging through my system. I remain hopeful that this is producing little eggs to drop in a few days!

In anticipation of what might be, I am extremely excited to have twins. I don’t know what the allure is for me, maybe the ‘one and done’ idea, even though we may have more than 2. Possibly the joys of being able to have two little ones grow up together in the same stage. I always wanted to BE a twin so second best would be to HAVE twins.

Thought I would share some of my thoughts:

I cant get the thought out of my head. this is not a good thing as I tend to obsess on certain things that stick in there.

I really like the idea of having twins.

Takes the pressure off having to go through all this again. I’m not sure if Ill like pregnancy but at least twins means I wouldn’t have to do it again and we would have 2 children (we want 1-2 of our own and then adopt 1-2).

What if I don’t have twins though. Will I be upset and disappointed with just one? I know the right answer is to be grateful for ANY baby at this point.

Is it selfish of me to now want twins? Now that the doctor has opened up the (10% chance of twins), I’m all about it.

Going from not sure if we can have our own kids to possibly having twins is a gift and blessing and I don’t want to become too entitled.

I want to remain open to whatever God has in store for us and for me to take my agenda out of the mix.

The key is for me to own up to my thoughts, recognize they are a bit crazy at times, turn my focus to gratitude for all that I’m able to experience and trust that God has my story written… no matter how many babies I’m able to bear.

Do women go through this monthly?

The cramps, the aches, the diarrhea (icky I know).

My friends didn’t bat an eye when I shared with them how badly my back ached and how my stomach cramps left me crouched over on the couch because, for them, this is something that happens each month, year after year.

For me, this is rare and these physical pains are REAL people. My bloatedness didn’t help as I just wanted to lay on the couch and wallow in my blah-ness. I felt as though someone had pumped a gallon of water and air into my body and I was expanding by the minute. Not to mention the crampy zingers that felt as though electric charges were surging in my lower stomach area, but you know what… it meant things were right on track.

My body reacted to the birth control perfectly. I was a bit nervous to think that I wouldn’t get the withdrawal bleed that my doctor needed in order for me to stake my DAY 1 date, but all went as hoped and I am now sitting here in my period week.

I must say, this isn’t fun. I have so much gratitude for all the years I have bypassed this monthly womanly routine. At this time though, its all worth it if I’m able to bear a child.

I am to start Clomid on day 5 and take it the same time each day until day 9. Then on day 10, start being intentionally intimate with my husband each day until I have a positive ovulation from the ovulation stick. This will encourage us to enjoy each other every other day for a couple days…

The doctor has given me the instructions and I must be honest… I’m now starting to calculate my due date. If I get pregnant this month then I will deliver in the spring and that just sets off my mind.

(warning, my thoughts are about to get a little crazy)

I know there is no good time to have a baby, but the control in me is coming out. I went from wanting to have a baby to now wanting to choose when I want the baby to come. Not in March because my husband is a CPA and in tax-season, not in April, because that month already has my birthday and my moms, not in May or June because I want to be able to travel on this annual girls trip I take, so July… that’s when I want to deliver.

What that means though is that I won’t become pregnant until October… meaning I have started this whole process WAY too early.

I rationalize that I started this process because I knew my body wouldn’t respond the first time around and that I would need additional tweaking of the medication and potential addition of extra medication in order to carry a baby full term. So I built in a 4-month trial-buffer for my doctor to get it right so to speak for the actual pregnancy to occur in October.

Listen to myself, I know, insane. I am a human who at the core struggles with control born out of fear.

I’m talking as if I have any control over this, wanting to have a baby, on my terms, on my timeframe. If we have a baby in July or August then I will have plenty of time to recover before ski season. Oh my, sometimes I just have to laugh at how crazy my thoughts can run.

–I’m working on letting this control go.–