Making Herself Known

Maxee is making herself known to me and the world.

I thought I felt her little flutter kicks starting around week 7.

Seemed a bit early, but when I sat quietly in the morning with my hand on my stomach, before having breakfast, it was as though she was right there next to my hand.

I would pray for and over her and I would feel these slight pitter-patter of ‘kicks’ on my palm.

As the weeks have gone on, these little precious morning moments have turned into delightful reminders throughout the day of how much she is growing.

Now, my stomach actually moves from the inside!

I can feel these big movements and watch them pop out of my stomach.

Hubby is now able to feel her and at times, she flips and flops on both sides.

There is no way of hiding my stomach and I have moved into maternity clothes.

She is here and making herself present to be known to the world.

I am loving growing this girl.

In my past, weight gain and a less than slender figure would spin me into an unhealthy mental state.

With help over the years, I have been able to arrest these shameful/condemning feelings and thoughts and instead now see my body as a gift that is to be nurtured.

Today, I love my growing belly and praise God for the pound/week weight gain.

Thus far I have gained between 10-15lbs, wahoo!!

Keep this girl growing healthy.


We went in for our half-way-point (20-week) check-up which is also known as the Anatomy Scan.

How incredible was this ultrasound!

We haven’t seen Maxee since week 9 so it was such a surprise to see how much she has grown and how much of a human she has developed into.

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Fascinated by the little nose, bones, ribs, toes, fingers… I cried.

That is our beautiful baby girl.

I was overtaken with emotion.

She was flipping all over the place and putting herself into some funky yoga positions.

How flexible she is in there!

The ultrasound tech was measuring the different parts of her body.

Her stomach, her heart, and the 4 chambers of her heart, her brain, her leg length.

It’s all there.

Between the kicking and now the visual of her inside of me, a tiny human, I am attaching myself to her more each day.

Knowing that these next 5 months will fly by and she will be in my arms before I know it, I hold true to the motto of living for this day to stay fully present and aware of the gift of being 5 months pregnant.

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Morning, All-day & Night Sickness

The first trimester was a rough go for me. I loved knowing that I was pregnant and couldn’t believe I was actually able to carry a child.

The gratitude has been overwhelming!

After it was confirmed with the ultrasound and heartbeat that our little one is alive and healthy, it hit me.

At 6 weeks, 4 days, I was slammed with an overwhelming wave of nausea.

The thought of eating made me want to gag.

No weird cravings, just full on food aversion. The thought of a food item made me want to gag.

If I could stick a line straight into my body to get the nutrients I needed to grow this sweet baby, I would.

I don’t want to shop, cook, smell, or think about food and what ‘sounds good’ to eat, ick!

I was able to stomach dairy (cottage cheese in particular) and berries.

Everything else was choked down for the sake of my health and this growing baby.

Going to the grocery store was a chore and something I had to gear up for.

I have read many people’s recommendations on saltine crackers and eating small meals throughout the day.

This wasn’t going to work for me.

Instead, I continued with my regular routine of having healthy, balanced meals and listened to my body and supportive friends who have gone through this before.

Even though the thought of food made me want to gag, when I sat down to eat, it wasn’t too bad.

Therefore, I just shut out my thoughts that were racing in my mind leading up to my meals.

What’s helped?

  • I start off my morning with 18oz of water
  • Breakfast is balance and simple with another 18oz of water
  • I don’t eat snacks
  • Boosted my intake of vitamin B6
  • Healthy lunches and dinners that are well-rounded.
  • Drinking at least 80-90oz of water a day
  • Eating every 4-5 hours
  • Going to bed early and getting a full-nights rest

Weeks 6-7- Berries and dairy were my saving grace, as was rice, tomatoes & cooked vegetables

Week 8– Banana a day, acupuncture, it’s getting worst though, the foods I could eat these last few weeks are non-starters now, don’t even bring them into sight.Image result for stinky food

Week 9- It’s really getting worse, I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. I can’t move without thinking I’m heading for the bathroom. Any smell or thought of food in my mouth makes me want to be sick and I end up choking down food that will give my body good nourishment. Blueberries, strawberries, blackberries (notice a theme), rice, protein. I lay on the couch as much as I can. Sleeping is the best state for me.

Week 10*- I think it’s starting to get a tad better. I’m scared to get my hopes up. I think of the blandest, healthy food I can have. Spaghetti squash, ground turkey, rice, berries, frozen okra, yogurt. I have to lay down after every meal and if I’m sitting up for too long, I need to go lay down. How in the world do people function like this? I am wanting a medal for making it through this period of pregnancy, but have to remind myself that the majority of women experience this same thing… I’m not unique! My dad reminds me that although I’m not unique, this is unique to me and to let myself feel this experience and embrace it as my own.

The second half of the week is back to being pretty miserable. Horizontal on the couch as much as I can. Hubby got me a painter’s mask from the garage to help with the smells that come from our kitchen when I absolutely have to cook something. I don’t know how much longer I can stand this. Every minute of the day, I am reminded of how sick I feel and feel I’m on the verge of running to the bathroom.

The constant churning and unsettled stomach. It’s the stomach flu that won’t go away… for weeks.

God help me!

Week 11*- I thought I was getting out of the worst of it, and might still be. The nausea is so strong and I have limited food options left. White rice with scrambled eggs and a dash of salt. Blocks of cheese, yogurt, blueberries, oranges also seem to satisfy my stomach.

Trying to get as bland as possible without a major reaction to anything too flavorful otherwise, I end up with an upset stomach and the beginnings of acid reflex.

Back to acupuncture, 2 times this week. Hoping it will help my hormones calm down and become a bit more regulated.

The progesterone oil shots conclude this week too, thank you God! That has been a long, committed effort that I am grateful to have ended.

Now, I thank God for the fact that I’m pregnant and that this pregnancy appears to be healthy by the result of my nausea.

Week 12*- White rice, scrambled eggs, frozen cut okra. Thankfully I feel the all-day nausea is subsiding and now it is just back to smells and food aversions only. I’m praying this means that it will be only getting better from here and I’m able to start eating my regular foods again.

I am looking forward to getting back to a workout routine of sorts as well. Praying my body holds up for me to enjoy some activity throughout the week. I can’t believe it’s been over 6 weeks since I saw the inside of a gym or even sweated a tad. Grateful I know how to slow down and be ok not being at the gym (that’s healing for me!)

*It was helpful that during weeks 10-12 we began telling our dear friends and family that we are pregnant. This helped make it seem more real and exciting and the sickness (which lasted pretty much all day), seems less.

Week 13-14- I have found the glorious already-cooked section at Whole Foods to be a lifesaver. Although I am not able to smell the cooked items without feeling sick, I can eat it! Beef roast, pork, chicken, and turkey! Protein is my friend again. Veggies are still touch-and-go as they do have a few cooked items but my stomach is not able to handle larger quantities.

I continue to feel nausea and have actually gotten sick a couple mornings these past few weeks, but overall, I feel it’s getting better.

My prayer is that by week 15 (starts today) and into week 16, I will have my appetite back!

The Little Pea

The little white blur on the screen moves.

Hubby and I get the opportunity to see our little one for the first time.

Everything looks healthy!

She scans in and we can see the solid white line down the center of the white oval looking blob on the screen- the spinal cord.

Every second the blob pushes out a blimp from the oval shape and there we have the heart.

It is beating 145bps and we have a healthy, viable embryo growing inside of me.

I can’t believe what I am looking at on the screen.

More than that, I can’t believe that this little thing that has a heartbeat, that is beating without me having to do anything to make it do so, is inside of me.

This heartbeat, this life, is inside of me, right now.

How in the world?!

I can’t feel it and yet it is the size of a blueberry.

Little baby Maxee is measuring 6 weeks, 5 days (due date Aug 29, 2019).

Everything is right with the world.

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Fear of Miscarriage

I’ve held my breath for the past 2 weeks (since our call from our IVF Dr).

Each morning I place my hand on my stomach area and say a prayer for the little one growing inside me.

At least, I hope it’s growing.

I have been playing mind games with myself since I am not feeling any side effects.

Although I do have some soreness in the chest, I began feeling this when I started the progesterone oil shots a week prior to the transfer.

My mind convinces myself that I have miscarried and that my body is not releasing it because of the extra hormone cocktail I give myself each day.

I don’t have the morning sickness and the cramping has slowed down.

I have to take a deep breath and choose to believe I am pregnant.

“I am pregnant until I hear otherwise from the doctor.”

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I repeat this phrase over and over in my head.

“I am pregnant until I hear otherwise.”

I wish I could be excited.

Both Hubby and I are cautiously optimistic.

I want to be able to throw our hands in the air and jump in excitement, but there is still a long road ahead of us and we both know the realities of our journey.

This has been a four-year road and we have had a lot of letdowns.

In a very scary way, this is the farthest we have gotten on this journey and we are scared to let ourselves be open to the possibility of a good outcome out of fear of the loss if it’s not.

How can I be fully in love and protecting this little being, and completely fearful at the same time?

It hits me.

This isn’t going to go away.

So, we hit 13 weeks and we are safely into the 2nd trimester.
I have had friends who have delivered stillborn babies at 36 weeks.
Once we get to the delivery of this wonderful being and it’s healthy and screaming that beautiful scream, then there is viruses and diseases.

Once they are three and running in the yard, they might run into the street and be hit by a car.

There is always going to be something for me to worry about.

There is always going to be the choice I have to live in fear of what if or faith for what’s possible.

I want to live in faith.

I want to believe that this little being is going to make it to full-term and have 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 arms, 2 legs, healthy working organs, etc.

I choose to believe this today.

Until I hear or see for myself, that this little being isn’t what I am imagining, healthy and perfectly made, then I will live in this space of positive possibilities.

It’s interesting how much I hold onto the upcoming ultrasound.

We are 2 days away and I am not feeling anything in my stomach.

I have a head full of fear and I just want to see that heart beating on the ultrasound.

I need to see this little being alive in me.

I call some friends who help me to see that I am thinking in my state of fear and that I need to change my thinking.

This whole journey is going to be a daily return to my faith and trust in God and what he is doing in my life and in my body.

I feel a peace wash over me as I know that this little being is a gift from God and He has given this little one to me to take care of for a brief amount of time on earth.

God is the Father and I am His child, just as much as this little one inside of me is His child.

What happens to me just like what happens to this little one is in God’s hands.

I get to practice the art of surrendering on a daily basis.

Surrendering my fears and my overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

God, this is yours. Help me give this little one the nutrients it needs.

I can focus on the healthy food I eat, the rest I give my body and the exercise I enjoy.

I can’t control everything, but I can play in this little sandbox God has given me- my life and my choices.


This morning I woke up with pure queasiness. I hear different food items and want to gag.

Nothing sounds good to eat and yet I know I need to eat.

I don’t look at my meals and I just feed myself the nutrients I need.
This food is just fuel, it’s nothing tasty or enticing.

Fully neutral and that is a gift.

First Family Ski Day!

Hubby and I take our little one to the mountains for the first time.

You gotta start ’em young!

And yes, I decided it was ok to ski. I am taking it slower than I usually go and staying away from people.

The doctors gave strong concern for skiing, not because of the activity but the fear that I will fall or someone will run into me, forcing a trauma to my body.

It was a beautiful blue-sky day and we were out with multiple members of our family and some friends. (None of them knew we were pregnant at this time in our journey)

I had a little cramping in my stomach which was a good reminder for me to keep it slow and easy and to be mindful of the skiers around me.

I am playing it safe and just taking in the sunshine, the blue sky, the fluffy snow and the memories being created with my sister-in-law, dad, and nephew.

My heart beats a bit faster up here at elevation and I chug the water to keep hydrated.

What a gift I have to live this life… and to have this life inside of me.

Little does this little one know that today was our first ski outing as a family of three.

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First Family of 3 Ski Day!

**For anyone preganat, please talk with your doctor about skiing before you decide to go. This was a decision Hubby and I spent a great deal of time talking and praying over.