Miracle Grow

Hooray! A period comes and I am officially able to start my new cycle. What a relief that is to know that I get another opportunity to become pregnant.

I’ve been sensitive to the words I am choosing to use.

  • I talk about us going through fertility treatments as opposed to we are struggling with infertility.
  • I say that I ‘get’ to have a period to kick-start a new cycle as opposed to having to have a period which means we aren’t pregnant.
  • I remain hopeful for the journey to be an experience that will shape my character as opposed to a victim-fill, woe is me, this is so hard and why-is-it-happening-to-me type mentality.

I call my OBGYN and they get me in for an ultrasound. Everything looks clear and ready for a new round of Clomid.

Let’s do this!

My lining is still incredibly thin (what’s new there?) so they want me to up the dose of estrogen to two patches and begin on Day 10.

I also provoke the conversation around the dosage of Clomid. In my book, it needs to be increased. That is without medical training or understanding of the medication but what I know is I’m not yet pregnant and want to explore every option.

My OB takes a look at our last cycle and agrees. My follicle only grew to 20

00003228.gif

mm before they gave me the Trigger shot and for being on Clomid, that seems a bit sm

all to her.

The script read: 150mg of Clomid

Three chalky white pills a day for 5 days… miracle grow.

Grow follicles, grow!

Advertisements

Deleting the Numbers

calendar31.jpg

I’ve deleted all the cycle planning days on my calendar. I know, a big step for this lady who likes control… some may call me a “control ‘freak”, but hey, that’s typically useful to me to get things done. I tend to like to know what’s coming up and prepare as much as humanly possible.

After 4 rounds of Clomid, I’ve learned that there are some things (ok many things) that I just can’t control.

A new day comes every 24 hours, and a new week every 7 days… My plotting on a calendar and counting the days from Day 1 to Day 12 to Day 16 to Day 25 to Day 35 is not helpful. If anything it’s caused me more angst in anticipation and worry for no reason.

I also, know that I have heard from many people the art of relaxation. When people let go and relax, things seem to happen more smoothly.

In an act of relaxation, I take a deep breath as I close my eyes. Getting my mind focused on what’s really going on.  My life is not all about me and what I want. There is more to my life than being a mom and for today, this is where God wants me to be.

The root of this control is fear.

  • Fearful that I won’t be able to have my own children and fearful of being left out of the rest of the ‘experience’ of mommy-hood.
  • Fearful that if/when we adopt I won’t be able to love them as my own flesh and blood.
  • Fearful that we won’t even be able to adopt because of how expensive it is and that we won’t be able to experience the joys of growing our own family.
  • Fearful that my friends will move into this stage and I will be left behind, yearning to be apart of it, but completely helpless in making it happen.

One thing I know for sure is God is love and He cares for me. I shall not be afraid. Fear is not from God and although I may have those fearful thoughts, they don’t serve me to think about them and ruminate over them. It’s best for me to let those thoughts out of my head and turn my thinking into gratitude for the things I do have and the blessings in my life.

I’m grateful for:

  • a house to live in
  • a husband to love
  • friends who care about me
  • a career I enjoy
  • the opportunity to serve others
  • 10 fingers, 10 toes, legs that walk, arms that move
  • a car to drive and gas in the tank

I choose to delete all 1’s, 12’s, 16’s, 25’s and 35’s from my calendar.

I used these to help us plan out when we would be going through future cycles. What I’ve learned through this past few weeks is that my body does not work on a traditional calendar and therefore I cannot predict things one way or another. I have to just be in the experience, taking in the moment as it is and not looking for the next to be the answer.

A small way I can let go and just be in the process.

Unpleasant Reminders

My skin hurts.

I have been on the Provera/progesterone for 10 days.

Okay, actually I just lied. I decided to try and move this show along a little faster and may have taken a double dose (morning and night) of medication two different days this week.

Okay, I did do this. I figured my body will still respond with a period as long as I take the prescribed dose and am now praying that I didn’t mess something up in my system.

With this hormone boost, my skin has reacted in the form of acne and it’s not pleasant.

In all actuality, it’s quite humiliating. To be 34 years old and have this type of acne.

Hubby is sweet, he says he can’t see it and just notices my skin being red… and that I’m beautiful, good Hubby.

That doesn’t make me feel 100% better, but it is nice to know that it may just be in my head.

Unpleasant reminders of how my body isn’t working properly. (God, please help me love my situation and the body you’ve given me. I know you know all that is in me and all that is to come in our life. God, I do trust you, even when I don’t understand.)

Regardless, this week of extra hormones has not been pleasant. Exhausted and upset that my body didn’t produce a period naturally, I spent this morning in prayer.

God, I really don’t understand my body or what is going on. I try and do research and ask questions, but what I’m coming to realize is that everybody’s body is different and I just have to accept mine as being this way. Completely unpredictable and slightly unexplainable.

I am frustrated that I’m not ‘normal’ and have emotions when I hear others who just ‘get pregnant’. Have I mentioned that my parent’s joke that they just looked at each other and my mom would become pregnant? Yup, twice. The idea of trying or cycle-tracking is completely foreign to my parents. I love them and appreciate their light-hearted comments in the midst of my own discontentment.

Maybe they are on to something though. Light-hearted, open-handed. Not trying, not tracking. Each cycle, I feel I let go a little bit more of the control in timing and just let it be as it will be.

Not trying, not tracking. Each cycle, I feel I let go a little bit more of the control in timing and just let it be as it will be.

Each cycle, I feel I let go a little bit more of the control in timing and just let it be as it will be.

Another Opportunity

I am sad. I felt really good about this last cycle. Hope… shattered.

I am not pregnant after another month of trying. The blood test came back negative to confirm the results. My heart is broken. I thought after last week’s positive that there was still a chance, but the phone call with the nurse who got right to the point ended those hopes pretty quickly.

So another month of trying is ahead of us and although I want to be positive, I find myself becoming a little frustrated. I really thought that the sickness was related to pregnancy and was getting hopeful, turns out the doctors aren’t sure what that was- could have been heartburn or a bug.

What’s even more frustrating is that I don’t have a period to even start the process of the next cycle. I limited my working out this week in hopes of alleviating stress on my body and there is still nothing to show for it.

After waiting a week after my expected period, the doctors want to put me on Provera to force a period. I am grateful there is a medication that will do this sort of thing, but I can’t help but be a little bitter that my body is not responding naturally. Plus the fact that we will have to wait another 10 days (at least) before my period will begin.

The doctor says to give it 2 weeks after the period to even start a period. My track record has been that my body responds pretty quickly after ending the 10-day Provera cycle, praying this is the case again.


God, what are you doing? I don’t understand your plan and am trying to believe in what you have is good for us. I don’t want to lose hope, lose faith in your goodness. It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

I don’t understand your plan and am trying to believe in what you have is good for us. I don’t want to lose hope, lose faith in your goodness. It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

Just as when I was single, I couldn’t force a marriage to happen and couldn’t make a husband appear. I just had to wait while still living my life as it presented itself to me in that moment and trust that you had a good partner for me and that you would introduce him to me in your perfect timing. You know what? You did and I am so grateful for the wait to meeting my hubby so I can take that experience and apply it to my emotions today.

I will trust you, God. I choose to, at least for today. Comfort my heart as I accept what is, today.

False positive…

OUCH! The pain is incredibly sharp. I have no idea where this came from. It started around 2:30pm and seemed like hunger pains in the middle of my stomach. Very strange for me to have these pains as I haven’t had hunger pains in a very long time. Those of you who know me, know that I’m very structured around when, what, and how much I eat so this seems strange.

I drink water.

Doesn’t go away.

Turns into a major aching and it’s clear it is no longer hunger pains but something else rolling around in my stomach. It feels as though there is acid eating away at my stomach lining, burning through each layer. The thought of citrus or tomato makes my stomach turn. I’m not nauseous, just extremely agitated.

They subside after dinnertime.

2:45pm the next day, same pains, same ache, same routine.

Could I be pregnant?! Is this what people are talking about when they say their body is being taken over by a parasite because there is no doubting that it feels as though something is sucking my insides dry.

If I am pregnant, this pain is worth it and I’ll gladly endure the unrest to have something growing inside of me. If not, then what in the world is this?

Could it be my body is flushing the mixture of hormones I was just given between estrogen and the HCG shot?

This continues for a week and by now I am anxious to pee on that darn stick to know if all this is because of Maxwell Bean growing in there.

One week later (after returning from a weekend trip), both my hubby and I get the stomach crampy pains.

Wait… what?

Could it be that it was just a stomach bug that started at 3pm every day and subsided at 6pm and is now moving to later in the afternoon/night?

I am incredibly confused and bummed that it could have just been a stomach virus all along. Not to mention the fact that both of us are feeling ill and impatient to know if we are pregnant.


I have 3 First Response Early detection pregnancy tests staring at me in the bathroom.

I could use one every other day from 6 days prior to the projected start of my next period, all the way up until the day I am to start… I do it.

Wait for it….

Wait

For

It

WAHOO! There is a line…

I am beyond thrilled

and jumpy as I see a (faint) line.

Ok so it’s not very visible, but I CAN see it, Hubby can see it… we are

Cautious.

I don’t believe it; I won’t believe it until I hear it from the doctor.

Immediately we pull out our laptops and begin researching ‘faint line on pregnancy test’ and come up with multiple affirmations that a faint line is still a line and means we’re pregnant!

But then I scroll down to see that people who have received the HCG Trigger shot may have remanences of the shot in their system up to 14 days after the test! (Based on 10,000 units can last 10-14 days).

Here we are 10 days after the shot.

My heart sank.
It’s possible this line is picking up the HCG from the shot and not that I’m pregnant.

BUMMER!

The doctor said to wait a few days and test again, if the line gets darker than it could indicate that we are pregnant, signifying the HCG is increasing.

2 days later I test.

I get a line!

It seems a bit darker this time around and we are a bit excited but know that the real test will come on day 14.

At this point, I am pretty hopeful that we are pregnant and trying not to start planning on when Maxwell Bean will be due.

The stomach ick continues, although it seems to have shifted as it’s more at night and I’m starting to question if I got a stomach bug (diarrhea and all, yuck).

Today I did have excruciating cramps in my stomach as though something was clawing at my stomach muscles from the inside out.

…I got excited.

Is this the implantation cramping I’ve read about?

Or is it my pre-menstrual cramps?

I’m continuing to pray for Maxwell Bean as I am choosing to believe I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

My back aches… and I don’t feel well.

My thoughts turn negative. I am already scared to lose the baby.

I have read too much about miscarriages happening in the early weeks of pregnancy.

In many cases, the early pregnancy tests are hurting our social psyche because they detect very low HCG levels, leaving great risk for miscarriages the days leading up to the next month’s scheduled period. Most don’t realize they are miscarrying because the period covers up the bleed.

Up to 75% of implantations lead to miscarriages.

I am really not wanting to feel the pain of being in that statistic and therefore am scared to get excited about the faint lines out of self-preservation.

I don’t want to get excited just to miscarry and lose hope of what’s possible, lose a life, and have to go through this process again.

I feel selfish saying that as I know I haven’t been through that much, compared to others.

It is a growing longing, to carry our own baby- a mixture of my hubby’s and my DNA.

Day 14- recommended test day by my doctor

I pee on the stick and flip it over until my hubby wakes up so we can see it together. At this point, I’m pretty confident that we are pregnant, especially since the line 2 days ago was stronger in color.

We count….. 1

…. 2

…. 3

No line.

My heart dropsIMG_1482.jpg

and I feel duped.

I really thought we were pregnant and I am sad.

I don’t really know what to do with my emotions and am frustrated that we have to wait and go through this for another cycle.

I’m angry that my doctor didn’t increase the dose of Clomid to elevate our chances (as it that would have really helped).

Frustrated that we are going through this.

I hope no one takes this personally, but I am a tad peeved when I hear others who weren’t even trying to get pregnant and one day the girl thinks, “hum, that’s strange I am usually regular with my period and I haven’t had it for a few days” then goes and takes a pregnancy test and guess what…. Pregnant.

Grr.

I know my friends who have had this wonderful surprise happen to them know that I’m not upset with them, I just wish I didn’t have this struggle.

The anticipation, the counting of days, the build-up.

Yet, maybe this is exactly what I need to allow my longing to grow more intense and for me to be able to feel the disappointment so that when are pregnant I will feel overjoyed because of the struggle.

I am going to choose to believe that this painful longing and disappointment is here for me to only experience a heightened proclamation of God’s amazing work.


So now we must wait to see if I get my period, naturally.

If I don’t either:

A) we are pregnant or B) we have to force it with Provera.

I will admit, there is still a twinge of hope that we are pregnant and it’s just not showing up on the pregnancy tests. If I don’t bleed, we will test my blood next week to see if it detects something these sticks don’t. If I do, we will begin Provera to start the next round.

It is possible we are still pregnant but I’m not going to get my hopes up. I can’t afford to invest my emotions in something that seems too volatile at this point.  I just wish I wouldn’t have put so much hope in the 6-day early Pregnancy tests.

Although 2 weeks seems like a long time to wait, it’s worth it to not get a false positive, twice.