Lab Rats

Laboratory-malpractice-Maryland.jpgIt feels as though we are lab rats.

Hubby and I both went to CCRM for a morning of tests that will give Dr. G more information about the two of us and what might be the best course of action to take.

Starting with a urine sample to ensure I am not pregnant, I sort of thought it would be such a fun surprise if they came out and said, “well, we have bad news and good news. The bad news is that we will not be able to do any testing this morning and the good news is you’re pregnant!”

They didn’t.

I proceeded to have a Baseline Ultrasound ($400) where everything looked better than I expected. My uterine lining is thicker than normal and I had 7 follicles in one ovary and 8 in the other! The technician thought I was mid-cycle, pretty cool!

Not sure what that means for us though.

I then was pricked for a blood draw to test: ($555).

Hubby went for his test to see if he has any sperm antibodies that might be hindering the “egg search” ($117).

Then I was taken for my HSG, where they shoot dye up into my uterus and see it move through the fallopian tubes into the ovaries and then out into the body. I was able to see it on the screen as the dye was being injected and sure enough, it spread throughout just as it is supposed to. It was not as painful as the FemVue (the bubbles) I had done 6 months ago, just uncomfortable with minor cramping.

Here’s what I learned:

  • The uterus flips and flops on a regular basis and so today mine was tiled upside down essentially. The technician was not concerned as she sees them flip and flop almost daily.
  • I have a heart-shaped uterus (either a partial septate or bicornate uterus). Today it looks more like a “Y”. This is a bit more concerning.bicornuate_uterus.jpg
  • If Dr. G feels it’s too deep of a “Y” then there may need to be a surgical procedure before moving forward with any medication. A normal uterus is more of a triangle shape at the top with a stick coming out the bottom.

So either:

  1. We move forward with medication as Dr. G is not concerned
  2. Dr. G will want a closer look through a hysteroscopy (where he looks through a microscopic camera) to get a better look at what’s causing the “Y”.

It could be the way my uterus is formed, increased cells gathering or some mass resting on that part of the wall. With a Bicornate uterus, there are greater chances of miscarriage, breech birth, higher deformities and disruptions in the in-uterine development, and possible automatic C-section during birth.

Yuck, I do not like this news.

I am not going to get too wrapped up in the facts and details until I talk with Dr. G. Although it would stink to have to go in for another test procedure, I’d rather know what we are dealing with to ensure a healthy, safe home for our baby to grow.

Today, I go in for my annual OB-GYN appointment and get a full head-to-toe exam plus some more cell gathering and an additional blood draw.

Our follow-up appointment with Dr. G. to understand what’s going and the next steps won’t be for another few weeks (busy man), but I’m ok with that. Give me a chance to work on other things in my life and practice faith in God and what He’s doing and trusting in His timing.

Besides, I need a break from all this prodding and poking!


Crunching Numbers

images.jpgComparing prices between the various fertility specialists in the area.

What will be the best route for us to take?

Trying to get the best care for the right price is time-consuming. My old self would have just gone with the most reputable name in town and said yes to all their recommendations for testing with them.

After doing some additional research though, I can see that if I do some testing out of a different lab, we can save some money.

At one place a test can be $250 at another it can be $100. How can these tests be the same but be marked up so much? Are these prices founded on anything in particular?

We are essentially self-pay as we don’t have insurance. Instead, we are a part of a healthcare sharing group, co-op type, Christian Healthcare Ministries. It’s pretty cool that this is available, especially for people who are relatively healthy. Downside: it doesn’t cover fertility treatments. If we received insurance through my work or Hubby’s work, we wouldn’t have fertility coverage so we are surrendered to being self-pay. With that comes certain discounts, if you ask, which helps a little.

Gosh, it can be expensive though.

…God, I trust you.

It’s hard for me not to get upset and resentful towards those who are able to get pregnant without having to pay. Where it just happens naturally.

But I don’t go there with my thoughts. I am grateful for the medical studies that give us these options. In previous generations, we would just have to accept our childless family. At least we have these options today and for that, I feel blessed with the opportunity to walk down this path.

I do believe that God provides what we need and it’s all a matter of how we allocate the resources He gives. I pray that we are good stewards of His gifts and that we will continue to seek guidance as to which way to go and what steps to take.

Today, I am gathering information so that we can make a decision-based in facts, mixed with faith.

There is a twinge of impatience stirring inside. I don’t want to have to wait on doing all these procedures and tests before we get this next round of medication rolling. I feel anxious about waiting as I am getting caught up in the timing of when we would start vs. when the potential baby would be due. I am hung up on certain dates and seasons that I want to avoid.

Honesty moment

We already have multiple family birthdays in December, plus Christmas and New Years that I don’t want to have a baby during the holidays.

I know I know, I shouldn’t be picky. But if I get to ‘choose’ when to start this medication that will potentially enable us to become pregnant than I feel I have a little control over this.

I laugh because that’s what I said last June when we started the fertility treatments, not wanting to get pregnant to be due during certain months… and look where we are now, not pregnant.

What have I learned, that I can’t control even when I think I have a little say in what happens. I don’t. I like to pretend that I do. Maybe I do, but do I want my will of what I think I want in the timing I think I want it to be, or do I want what God wants for me? It may be harder to live by faith, but there is more peace.

God, I surrender this to you too.

CCRM Consult

CCRM-Logo_vector_OL.pngWe had the pleasure of meeting with Dr. Gustofson at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM) for our fertility consult. He was an absolute delight. We first were welcomed by the front desk helper, who was very cheery and escorted back by a nurse who was kind. Dr. G walked in with a spring in his step and an energy that enabled me to feel comfortable and welcomed.

We talked small-talk for a little bit, getting a feel for his personality which was a delight. Dr. G comes highly recommended by a couple of my friends, so I threw their names out there to make more of a connection.

Funny enough, the friend who told Daniel about me is also a patient of his so the connection feels a little more complete. He was personable and engaging. I immediately felt as though I was in good hands.

He opened a binder of labs and records, all which looked as though they had been combed through with flags coming off the sides of the pages.

Then he asked me to share a bit of my history. I laid it all out for him, starting back when I was 11 years old until now. He listened intently while writing keywords intensely. He then asked some questions to fill in the holes and moved his focus to Hubby to share.

After a quick assessment of our stories coupled with the information he gathered from our records and labs, he offered his thoughts plus some next steps.

Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea

Essentially my body is not engaging in a normal cycle because my brain is not properly communicating with my ovaries.

Dr. G believes this may have started when I was going through puberty. Since I hadn’t ever had regular cycles, he is not sure if this condition was present prior to my exercise bulimia or because of it, but either way, the exercise bulimia, and addictive eating did not help my body to grow into a healthy reproductive state of being. (Thank you God for FA to help me be healthier in my body for the past 11 years!)

Dr. G is quite hopeful for our situation because my body did respond to the Clomid (which many people who are full into the Hypothalamic Amenorrhea do not respond). This is good news. Unfortunately, he did say that the Clomid was probably not the best course of action to take with my situation and believes that with a few changes to the course of action over the next 3 cycles, we will have a positive outcome with a baby.

This is encouraging.


  • There are a few labs that he still wants to run just to be sure everything is accounted for.
  • A full body OBGYN appointment to make sure everything is okay.
  • I will have to go through an HSG test (where radiographic contrast –dye- is injected into the uterine cavity) to see that the fallopian tubes are open. I already did a FemVue (where they shot bubbles up) but Dr. G wants to see the dye.

Bummer, we should have gone the dye route the first time. This was NOT a pleasant experience and am not looking forward to it.

Hubby has to get checked again too to make sure his swimmers don’t have the antisperm antibody which would essentially ‘blind’ the sperm so that even if a sperm were next to the egg, the sperm wouldn’t be able to detect it.



Dr. G does not see the need to force a period and (supposing everything goes well with the labs) will start me on Letrozole for days 3-7 of my made-up cycle start. He asks that we do an intrauterine insemination (IUI) to help with the process and will prescribe a progesterone suppository to help improve the receptivity of the uterine lining, enhancing the chances of implantation of a fertilized egg.  Yuck, but okay.

Next stop: Billing

How much is all of this going to cost? We will have to call the office next week to find out.

Our insurance (which is a health cost-sharing program) will not cover any of this so we need to be wise with how we move forward.

Continuing to gather all the information to be able to make a decision on what our next right action will be. Praying God will provide the means to do this if this is what we are supposed to try next.

It’s All About the Trust

It’s here, finally! I have been looking forward this day (and a little worried I would start my period before this day arrived). The build-up of this day has gotten to be too great. I am enjoying being in this space of hopeful anticipation because it means there is still a possibility I am pregnant. By now, the HCG from the trigger shot should be out of my system and I am two days past the day I would start my next cycle (if I was in a normal rhythm). I have not gotten my period yet so there is a chance that when I look at the pregnancy test, I will have two lines staring back at me. If not, then I will have to accept that this is not our time and wait for next steps.

Here I go…. wish me luck!

After waiting 3 minutes, the test came back with only one line on the strip. Bummer! I even wait a couple more minutes and then checked again, still not pregnant.

My heart just sank. I was really hoping this would be the one and although am not as let down as I have been in the past, still have a sadness that I can only chalk up to be a normal reaction to an anticipated outcome.

We will not do another round of Clomid at this time. I need a break from all the hormones and we need to take my OBGYN’s recommendation to visit with a fertility specialist as being our next guided step.

The consult is in just over two weeks and I have been putting off the completion of the paperwork in hopes of a positive pregnancy test.

I begin the paperwork and have Hubby fill out his portion.images.jpg

As I complete the answers, I see how incredibly healthy I am. No smoking, drinking, caffeine, drugs, mental or health history that would prevent pregnancy. From all aspects, I appear to be a healthy candidate for a successful pregnancy. I am hopeful of what these specialists might find inside of me that would be preventing pregnancy.

At this point, I really don’t care how bad the ‘thing’ is that I have going on in me, I just want to know so there can be an answer for all these empty attempts.

Maybe I won’t ever have an answer. I need to be ok with this reality too.

My goal before the consult is to get back into a healthy routine for my body. Getting lots of rest, working out consistently and continuing to eat healthily. This is what I can control.

So for the next few weeks, I will rest and take care of myself. Get into a workout routine that supports my mental health and take action on the things I can do for my body.

I will take my much-desired naps and spend time with God. I do trust him. I trust in the wait and know it will all make sense when I look back on it. I don’t know what is ahead of me in the next year of life. God does. I know that rejection is God’s protection. He knows what he’s doing and I get to sit back and trust it all will come together as it is supposed to.

Until then, I get to enjoy the life I have today. All the wonderful riches of this day. Thank you God!

Patience in the Wait

Patience-is-a-Virtue.jpgToday is 15 days after my projected Ovulation day. Typically, women begin their period 14 days after Ovulation, that is what is called the Luteal phase of a cycle. I am trying not to get my hopes up that this means I’m pregnant, but time seems to have slowed down as we wait a few more days before testing for pregnancy. I don’t want to have another false positive and feel the hopeful anticipation boiling up inside of me.

I am praying that I don’t get a period and am scared to see my hopes crushed. I don’t want to have that deflating feeling again. At least at this moment in my life, there is a possibility that we are pregnant. As soon as I see signs of a period, that hope for this round goes away. I won’t want to lose hope.

Trying not to analyze every feeling I am having in my body as being an early sign of pregnancy. I’m more tired, my boobs are sore, I have a bit of back pain… could go either way.

God help me trust you. If I do get my period, it doesn’t mean that the possibilities to become pregnant or have a baby or grow a family goes away. It means you have a better timeframe than I do and I can’t do anything about it but accept it and trust you.

The fear of letting go of my timeframe is that I don’t know what it will look like. The unknown can be uncomfortable because I don’t know how to prepare for it. Controlling the schedule and the process gives me a false sense of assurance that I will be ok and that I will know how to handle the situations when they come.

I am scared of being caught off guard and having things happen that hurt the very depths of my being. One of my greatest fears that I try to protect myself against is the gut-wrenching anguish and sorrow of loss and depression. How do I balance having hope without getting too vulnerable to the trials in life? Is it an option to live this life and experience all the joys and highs without also feeling the sorrows and lows? I don’t want to numb myself out of the world completely, I just want to protect myself from being hurt.

I could stop trying for a baby, but that would be me walking away from a desire I have deep in my heart. I have to throw my hat in the ring in order to have a shot at the prize. It’s just so scary to show up to life when the elements of the day can be so unknown. God help protect me from the things I cannot see or do not know.