Can Someone Tell Me What to Do?

It doesn’t feel right to continue. We have been praying over the past 8 cycles for God to gift us with a baby and the answer has not been in the direction of my desire. Is it me? Might I be too stressed with other responsibilities and commitments in my life that I am holding myself back from being able to conceive? My drive to create and do in life is a beautiful thing. Yet, it can quickly move into overdrive as I commit to doing too many things at one time, not leaving as much time to sit and be, rest and relax. Although I feel I have been slowing down so much more than I have in my previous years, I question if it’s been enough.

I can’t go down that road of ‘what if’ and so I will stop that line of thinking.

I emailed Dr G., asking his guidance as to what to do next. This downtime has been good for me to gain neutrality and a little perspective as I’m not ‘in’ the mix of medications and doctors appointments. It feels good to relax from it all.

Quite honestly, I was relieved when I received the response from Dr G.

It’s time to move forward into IVF, per his recommendation, stating we have tried many times and with the results thus far it’s the next step.

Not what I want to hear as I’m not sure I can justify spending the amount of money that has been quoted for IVF here in the States.

What I do know is that a child is a priceless gift and $20-50,000 may seem like pennies in the long-run. How will this work? I am still torn with what to do.

Why can’t someone just give me the answer? To do IVF or to adopt?which-direction-640x375.png

Hubby and I share opinions around IVF and come to the same conclusion, that we are both open to exploring the idea.

I can’t say I don’t feel uncomfortable as I know IVF is taking fertility to the next level and I want to be careful not to be putting my hope, fully into the world of medicine.

It’s a miracle that we cannot place an egg and sperm together

Now the options are between adoption and IVF.

I will begin my research on the varieties of clinics and pay scales associated with IVF.

This is where things stand:

We have looked into the following clinics and have set up consults with doctors in each clinic. Gather as much information as possible, that’s what I know to do.

  • CCRM (Colorado)
  • Conceptions (Colorado)
  • Dr. Trout (Colorado)
  • Shady Grove (Maryland)
  • ReProfit (Czech Republic)

We shall see what each says.

God help us to know your will and direction in this process. There are so many decisions to make and I don’t want to go down a road that is not going to be fruitful. I surrender this to you, Lord.

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The Longing Grows, but I Need to Change

The time away from medication has been a delight. Over the past 7 weeks, I have felt my body deflate from the bloating, my mind rest from the thoughts and my heart calm down from the emotions. I am moving back to what feels normal again and I am grateful for the breath of fresh air. It is indeed a much-needed break.

For the most part, I feel calm about our journey. I know we are in the process of gathering information for our next steps and know that we will be at peace whatever we decide.

Do we go for IVF or do we begin the process of adoption? The golden question with an unclear answer at this point.

My heart does hurt to have a family. I was with my little nephews and it stirs my heart to want to have some of my own little people to help guide, grow, nurture, and teach.

Yes, exhausting as it seems to be, my heart is slowly nudging me in the direction of having kids and seeing the abundance of life that comes with having them in my life.

This process is a messy one and I don’t expect to have it all figured out before the little ones come, but I do see that I am more prone to want a family than not, and this is something I cannot ignore.

When we started this journey back in December 2014 (that’s when we pulled the goalie, so to speak), I thought I wasn’t ready and needed to get a better job that had more flexible hours that would support me working from home. I was kicking myself for not choosing a better major in college or career path after college that would support me being a working mom. Why couldn’t I make more money to be able to work fewer hours a week?

I began trying to change my life in order to fit the kids I was hoping to have… and what I have found is all these new adventures in trying to figure it out has left me putting the cart before the horse. Maybe it’s time to just slow down my ‘figure it out’ side of my brain and just relax.

I always hear relaxing is what helps people get pregnant. Might this be a key ingredient I have been missing?

Simplifying my life and slowing my mind down.

I’m prone to ‘go’.

My entire life has been a to-do list, moving from one stage of my life to the next, packing in as many experiences as possible in each season. Might this be a season for me to take things off my plate and just ‘be’ for a while?Image result for change

 

Letting go of the commitments I love to be apart of might be more painful than not being able to get pregnant, but what if this is going to help me become pregnant?

Maybe all the things I’m committed too need to be put on hold for now and can be picked back up later, when these little humans have arrived and are napping, playing, or at school.

I haven’t been willing to really change, until now. (I hope).

My heart swelled with emotion as I saw my nephews playing mixed with the background of other families engaging in laughter while the little ones shouted ‘look at me, dad’ from the distance.

Will I get to experience this? Am I too late?

Sometimes it feels as though I have missed the boat and I will never be ‘there’. It’s easy for me to wallow in the ‘if only’s’ and the ‘why not’s’.

Why is this road so much longer than other people around me? Why didn’t the medicated cycles work for us?

The WHY’s never really seemed to be wise questions to ask.

Would they work if we give it another couple of rounds?

Thankfully, at least for today, I feel at peace knowing that the medicated cycles are not an option for us anymore. I know we gave it a good try and with Dr. G’s support, we are moving on from that.

It’s time for the next level, may it be IVF or adoption, and the next level of surrender in my own life. I can’t do it all right now and the tears are flowing a little more often now, as I desire a family.

Even though I am scared, I am beginning to look at having kids as an opportunity for adventure and growth instead of a scary unknown. Maybe it really is the best thing that will happen to me. I have got to give this a shot because my heart hurts too much not to.

Moving on… to what?

It’s been a month of healing for me. Not having to think about my body being in the tip-top condition for a life to begin, I worked out as much as I wanted and enjoyed being fully present with my current status in life.

There was a second about 2 weeks into this month where I pondered tracking and trying to get pregnant, but quickly let that thought go as I’m exhausted.

It’s been tiring tracking and plotting, waiting and hoping.

I am amazed that we are over a year into this fertility journey of medication and doctors manipulating my body and cycle for optimum results.

I really didn’t think I would be here, still.

When I was 16, my OBGYN said it would be a long road to become pregnant, but I certainly didn’t expect this.

Call it my eternal sunshine, but I can’t help but have hope that God will work a miracle in our lives.

I choose to believe that he is continuing to write an incredible story that will show his love and provision. Not to mention, that he is using this to teach me about his faithfulness and all-knowing nature.

Am I ready to move on?Image result for decisions

The thought has crossed my mind many times.

We have prayed and shown up for all the fertility options given by our doctors.

This past round, my girlfriends spent time intentionally praying for God’s will to be done. Tears streamed down my face as they surrounded me in prayer and love.

I really believed that it was possible that we would be pregnant.

When the pregnancy test was negative, I felt a sort of calm, knowing God had answered—Not Now.

So, where does this leave us?

I don’t think I want to continue with medicated cycles.

Actually, I know I don’t want to (it’s just scary to write that because I am scared to let go of the only way I have control over getting pregnant)

What? That doesn’t make sense. I have been doing this for a long enough time to know that I don’t have control over getting pregnant, regardless how much I try… and yet, there is some part of my brain that still thinks that my decision to take medication means I will get pregnant.

Have I placed too much of my hope in medicine and not enough in the power of nature?

In my depths, I know I’m ready to move on from medicated cycles.

So, where do we go from here?


Am I to move onto adoption and put the desires of my heart in having my own bio kids aside for now?

Hubby and I looked into a couple of adoption options. We had some interviews with international agencies. I met with a girlfriend who was just matched after 18 months of waiting for a domestic adoption.

I guess I’m ready to move on?

I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right, yet.

Adoption will be a part of our story, at least I think it will. But is there another way to have our own bio kids?


IVF stares at me.

I have friends who have gone and are going, through it.
Their insurance covers some of it.

Ours doesn’t.

In fact, if we were to go down the road of IVF, we would have to look for new insurance coverage because the one we are on would not cover an IVF pregnancy.

Long story there.

When it comes to IVF though, there are numerous stories- many successful, some not.

The price is astounding for me.

We begin to do our research… all options near and far.

We have looked into International IVF- learning that the clinics in Barbados, Mexico, Czech, Spain, and Israel are pretty reputable.

The cost is much less, which is easier to stomach and in fact, the prices quoted are less than what we have spent this past year on the medicated cycles.

It seems like such a big decision.

Traveling to another country is a bit daunting to me for this type of procedure. In fact, it’s almost turning me off, thinking the issues wrapped up with the travel piece is not worth it for me. The timing has to be perfect and there are a few unknown factors that I would hate to miss.

Imagine- flying across the border, or the Atlantic, just to learn that there weren’t enough eggs to pull, or there weren’t enough viable embryos to use. What would we do? Fly back to the States, and rebook a trip the following month to fly back across the Pond in hopes that the next time is better?

I don’t know. This one is a little more of a decision that might take some getting used to, not to mention a major nudge confirming this is the right next step.

We will continue to research options and find the right fit for this step.

God Answered

There have been a few mornings when I have felt nauseous. Little subtle ongoing cramping over the past few days. Maybe I’m pregnant?

Every time I have a little twinge of “am I pregnant”, I immediately begin praying with a simple, “God, if it’s your will” and go on with my day.

I feel I have been getting really close to God this past week as it seems to be every hour or two I am saying this prayer.

In the past few days though, my sense has changed. Maybe it is me protecting myself from a potential let-down. I don’t know if I am pregnant. And I have to wait.

I have a few friends texting, wondering how I’m doing and praying for me. I appreciate it. Knowing I’m not alone.

We need cheerleaders in our lives, when I can’t allow myself to be hopeful, they are.

I am willing to wait until day 14 after the trigger shot and continue to trust God knows what He’s doing.


Here we sit, day 12 after the trigger shot, how quickly thoughts change. I know I’m supposed to wait a few more days, but I figured I could go to the Dollar Store and get a pregnancy test just to see if any of the remanences of the HCG shot was still present. If it was a positive test, I would chalk it up to being leftovers and test in a few days. If it was negative, at least I would know the HCG from the trigger shot is out of my system.

I test and there is only one line, not pregnant.

“Good to know the HCG is out of my system. Maybe it’s too early,” I thought. “I’ll test again in 2 days.”


My back has been hurting this afternoon and sure enough, I now know why.

I don’t have to test.  I began spotting. I knew it in my heart that I wasn’t pregnant and this was just a confirmation.

I plopped down by Hubby and snuggled up next to him and I told him. He wasn’t surprised either.

Gosh, darn it!

I really was hoping this was going to be the month. I even was praying for twins and thought I was going everything right. I was even following the suggested food intake throughout the course of my cycle.

What more am I supposed to be doing?

I am bummed. God, what are you doing in this?

I email CCRM and let them know so they can get me a request for a blood draw to confirm I’m not pregnant so we can start a new medicated cycle.

That is what we are going to do, right?

Hubby and I talk. We don’t know how many more medicated cycles we are going to do.

At what point, do we have to surrender and say that we tried everything we could and it’s just not going to work?

1 year? 2 years? 3 years? How long God?Image result for footprints in the sand

This cycle completed 8 medicated cycles in just about a year.

Might not be very long for some people, or maybe it is for others. I’m sure it’s a personal choice.

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this one.

This is what I don’t understand:

If we are created to procreate than why can’t God heal my body so that I can do just that?

What are we missing in this whole process?

  • I am given medication to stimulate follicle growth- check
  • I am monitored days 12-? To see the follicle growth and thickening of the lining- check
  • Hubby has strong swimmers- check
  • I get the HCG trigger shot to force an ovulation- check
  • Hubby gives his swimmers over to the nurses for a cleaning- check
  • Nurses take the best swimmers and inject them right up to where my egg(s) is/are- check
  • I rest and relax, pray and trust that they get together and implant…
  • Not sure if that is a check or not.

Dr. G. Says the only way to guarantee they get together is by doing IVF (in vitro) which is not an option for us at this point.

At some point, I have to trust that God is truly the miracle worker and creates life.

Why isn’t he creating life in me?

Is it something I have done? Am I not supposed to have my biological children? Why not?

Questions I won’t ever have answers to.

So God, what do you want from us? Do you want us to do another medicated cycle?

I fall asleep praying.


Day 1– I go in for the blood work and ultrasound just in case we decide to move forward with the medication.

In my quiet time this morning, as I was talking with God about this, I felt peace about letting go of a medicated cycle. This peace comes more from the hope that I will be one of ‘those’ stories where we try the fertility route and when it doesn’t work, we begin thinking about adoption and we miraculously get pregnant.

Is that my story? That after all this human intervention with medication, God is using this experience to show me that He truly is all powerful and that no medication or doctor can do what only he can do?

That would be cool!

So, I’m at peace with whatever we need to do, or not do.

While in the ultrasound with my new-found friend, Erika, the stenographer, she finds a large black circle in my left ovary.

“What is that?” I ask.

It’s a cyst,” she replies. “Double the size than what I usually see.”

Unfortunately, it wasn’t there before ovulation.

From what I learned today: It’s common for this to happen where the follicle releases the egg during ovulation and remains empty in the ovary and over the 2 weeks can fill with fluid- causing this cyst. If I were to go on medication while I have it- most likely the cyst will absorb the meds instead. I have to wait until it’s gone before we can do anything more.

She doesn’t know what the doctor will say so at this point I leave the office without knowing if we will be able to do medication this cycle.

I call my nurse at CCRM and she confirms. No medication this cycle and possibly not the next cycle (if I get one) as it is double the size. It will need time to dissolve before they will prescribe anything.

My heart was prepared and I praise God for making it abundantly clear that the answer is no for this cycle.

We can still ‘try’ without medication and all the gizmos and gadgets… the good ol’ fashion way.

We plan to regroup with Dr. G this month to talk through options based on his observations and expertise. Maybe this is the conversation we need to know it’s time to move on.


I feel carried. The tears still come.

I am sad at the thought that there may not be a little Hubby and little me to watch grow up.

I have had these same visions before. As though I am watching a 1980’s home video, I can see a little version of us, looking up and smiling at us. This little human we have created.

These thoughts and the sadness I feel are not new. I have felt this longing for our own biological children for a few years and the potential reality that this is a dream I need to let go of is still too hard for me to bare.

Image result for aloneWhat’s so terribly difficult is that there is a world around me that has no idea the pain I am in. I tend to be a silver lining type person, looking for the good and what God is doing in and through each situation. But there are still moments when I am feeling life is not fair. I am happy for all my friends who get to experience this blessing, but when I am on Facebook, I often feel as though people don’t realize the pain others experience. Maybe this is just my issue and I need to grow a thicker skin so that others can post their joys and not rain on their parade.

Just like my friends who are single, longing for a partner- seeing engagement pictures and wedding photos can be difficult.

Does it mean that we should stop posting the joy-filled moments that are in our life- absolutely not? Maybe being aware of the world around us though.

Or maybe I just need to go off Facebook.

Turkey Baster

The medication worked! We have 2 major follicles (19mm and 17mm) that are presenting strong and proud on the ultrasound screen.

We’re making a baby here folks!

Dr. G is happy with the results and scheduled our IUI for 4 days from now.

I’m not a patient person and was ready to give myself the trigger shot of HCG today and be ready to go in 2 days but am trusting Dr. G knows what he’s doing.

I’m thrilled! This cycle is not lost and we have a shot, even at twins, ha!

God, thank you for being so good to us. I trust that these extra 3 days were for your purpose and in your plan and give these next few days over to you.

(TMI ALERT)

I’m a little scared because tonight before bed I noticed my cervical mucus is stringy, like egg yolk. Everything I have read points this to mean that I’m on the verge of ovulation.

I pee on an Ovulation stick, an “O” stares back at me, meaning not ovulating.

Okay, maybe this is just pre-ovulation fluid, I try and convince myself.

I become a little upset that we aren’t triggering ovulation tonight in order to catch this timing correctly.

What do I know though? The only thing I know about this type of stuff is what I have read on Google and heard through my friends.

God, I trust you.

I say this over and over again, calming my fears.

I lay down to rest for the night… God, I trust you.


I wake up, pee on the stick, still an “O” starring at me. My mucus is still slick and I am a bit fearful that we’ve missed it. I can’t think about this though, I have to trust what the Dr. is saying.

The plan is to wake up at 1am tonight/tomorrow to give me the HCG trigger shot. It has to be administered 36-hours prior to the IUI appointment.

I’m less than thrilled.

The shot is a compact dose of HCG hormone. Vaccine_640.jpg

It sends heat through my body and I am overtaken with hormones.

I can’t go back to sleep.

I stay up for the next hour, reading.

God, how am I supposed to go to work tomorrow on such little sleep?

Oh my gosh, how am I going to have babies who need me in the middle of the night if I can’t even do this one time?

I am psyching myself out.

I take a deep breath.

I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

God, I trust in your timing and your plans. I trust that you know what is best for us and you know what our futures hold. I leave all these worries in your hands and will do what you have placed in front of me to do, today.


The IUI day is here.

I don’t know what to expect and am a bit fearful because I’m not experiencing any of the ovulation cramping I have in the past. This just feeds my fears that my ovulation window has passed and we are about to spend $400+ dollars on a procedure that is worthless because the egg has already come and gone.

How quickly I enter into the negativity.

It really doesn’t help me to be thinking this way or to be in fear.

I just don’t know how else to be in situations of unknown. I am changing my mind around to be in faith and trust that this is the perfect timing.

Hubby goes in at 11am for his contribution to this effort.

He signs some papers and labels what he needs to with his name and date of birth.

His part is done.

For the next 2 hours, the nurses clean it and test the swimmers. They take out all the swimmers who didn’t show up for the race and label each swimmer with a “0, 1, 2, or 3”- based on motility.

Only the “3’s” make it back into the tube.thin-test-tube.png

After sorting through all of them, they are ready for me.

I follow up at 1pm for my procedure.

I check in and am directed downstairs to receive the swimmers. I have to sign paperwork and double check that the labels all have the information of Hubby. They walk through the process of how they cleaned the swimmers and also showed me how they ensure that these swimmers in front of me are the same as Hubby.

I am impressed with the concise and thorough process of confirming that these swimmers are meant for me.

I head back upstairs with the swimmers in my hand. Not to shake them or tip the tube as they are all ready for me.

I’m scared that this is our one shot at it and it may already be unsuccessful just at the mere chance that the egg is gone.
I have to stop this thinking.

I choose to believe that there is an egg (or two) just getting ready to be released.

I choose to believe that there are swimmers at the ready.

It’s as though we are getting the two together at a party and saying, “here, meet each other”.

I’ve done all that I can.

What would help the most at this moment is for me to relax and take deep breaths. There’s nothing to fear, nothing to control, nothing that I can do to help anything more than what we’ve already done.

I just have to BE.

Calm, peaceful, hopeful.


What an experience.

I walk into the room with the nurses and they were so incredibly reassuring.

Praise God!

I spoke with the nurses and they don’t feel it’s too late.

In fact, they said the timing seems right on and to stop Googling!

There were two nurses helping with the efforts and although it was not the most enjoyable experience when the catheter is inserted, it’s wonderful to know those swimmers got all the way up there.

And now we wait, pray and trust.