Excited to be sick? Something’s off…

5227053414_4dbd66037f_bOver the past several days, I have felt sick. My stomach was ‘off’ and I felt ‘punk’ (you know… when you aren’t fully engaged with the world because your mind is slower and there are hints feeling low and ill). I felt my boobs to see if they were more sore (they weren’t). The waves of stomach icky continued. Let me be clear though, this wasn’t the throwing up, it was the other- but I had actually convinced myself that I could be pregnant.

Well, this was me and to be honest, I was a little excited! Could I be pregnant? Is this the beginning of morning sickness?

I went as far as peeing on the pregnancy stick to see if I was… Reading the instructions I knew I would have to wait 2 minutes before I would see any results, and yet as soon as I looked at it- there was a huge ” – ” on the screen, definitely not pregnant.

My heart dropped. Feeling a bit let down. After all… I had actually hoped that maybe… possibly…

Guess I have just had a bad case of something… but it’s not a baby.

What’s so interesting to me through this is the fact that my husband and I have already openly discussed how we are both focusing on our business ventures to become more consistent in our incomes and that we aren’t ‘trying’.

But what does ‘not trying’ mean when you’re married and wanting to have a family?

Is it just a mental game we play with ourselves to convince us not to obsess about something, when we have no control over it? Is it a way to distract ourselves so we don’t get worried about why things aren’t happening? Maybe it’s just a way for me to keep my head on straight and not get too over-worked and analytical about, everything.

I’ll be honest (again) with you. I would love to become pregnant because that would mean we would start our family! Yet, I’m terribly scared for many reasons, but these 2 are pretty clear.

  1. I am wanting to grow my business to be my full-time focus and for it to bring in clients on a consistent basis and this takes a ton of time and energy. It’s kinda like it’s own baby in some ways. (Is this selfish?)
  2. I am scared about what becoming pregnant and having a baby will do for my life as I know it today. Everything will change, I won’t have my daily routine as it is today, I will be living for more than just my husband and me. I will become a mom and take on the realities of ALL this entails.

So I’m kinda stuck in the in between. Although we have been ‘trying’ for 1.5  years… I do feel God is continuing to work on the two of us. We have had a lot of great discussions and I have become more aware of my fears. Little by slow, I’m working through them and am seeing my thoughts and perspectives change and my heart soften.

Currently, I’ve been hanging out with my nephews quite a bit! This isbaby griffin Griffin, he’s 4 months old and his big brother Cooper is almost 5 years! I’ve spend long days with these guys and it’s certainly given me a great appreciation for parents and the sacrifice it is to be a hands-on parent.

My hubby and I are being prepared for a life change, and to help us remember that we are not in control and that He is the giver of life.

“Wait quietly in my presence while My thoughts form silently in the depths of your being.” Jesus Calling

My desire is to surrender my thoughts, ideas, plans, timing, worries, unknowns to God and sit quietly in His presence.

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The Place We Call Home

photo-1464146072230-91cabc968266I love driving around neighborhoods to see the different houses. The architecture, the colors, the landscape while imagining what the inside must be like. Recently, I have become familiar with Houz, a Pinterest type for homes showing pictures of all areas of a home including the materials used in the pictures (paint type/color, etc.). It gives me insights into the various tastes and home decorating ideas people are drawn to today.

When we were looking for a house, we toured in and out of multiple houses all that had individual characteristics and facets that made them unique. Once settling on our house, we began changing the inside to match our personalities and to decorate the walls with our ideas. It has been a huge undertaking, and little by slow this house built in the 1950’s has grown into the place we call home.

So what makes a house (a foundation, walls, a roof) a home?

It is the personalized touches that demonstrate the personalities of the people who live there. The scented candles, the colors on the wall, the pictures of special moments, the ‘life’ within the house. The serene space I come back to after a full day of being ‘out there’ in the world of work, interactions and discomfort. A space that is welcoming to others and remains a consistent place of safety.

At the deeper level, I feel a home is where I can refuel my soul, and work on anything that I need to repair in my thoughts, behaviors or emotions. My home is the place where I can build my life.

Build your life on the firm foundation of true gratitude to God for all His blessings and true humility because of your unworthiness of these blessings. Build your frame of your life out of self-discipline; not allowing yourself to become lazy or selfish or contented with yourself. Build the walls of your life out of service to others, helping them find their way in life. Build your roof out of prayer and quiet times, waiting for God’s guidance from above. Build the garden around your life out of peace of mind and serenity and a sure faith. -Twenty-Four Hours A Day

Intentionality

How often to I protect my home from the outside world of negativity, busy-ness, materialism, jealousy…? I must admit, it’s a practice to clear my mind and habits of ‘junk’ and let my day go when I return home. What motivates me is a desire for a safe-haven. A place to retreat to from the world, and a place to find solace in the midst of productivity and the ‘going’ pace around me. Intentionally leaving my work at my work and praying for God to come make this place one of rejuvenation.

What are some ways you have made your house, a home?

Pajama Day!

41866_CM3When I was growing up, I loved the different dress up days at school. It was an opportunity to have a break from the routine and do something that I wouldn’t typically choose to do for myself.

My favorite was Pajama Day. Although I rarely wore the PJ’s that I really slept in, I remember thinking how fun it would be just to roll out of bed and walk out the door! In reality, I undressed from my sleep shirt and put on my strategically planned PJ outfit that would make others think these were my real PJ’s. They usually had a color-coordinated and matching print top and bottoms with cute slippers to match. I would tease my hair and put it in a ratty pony-tail just to make the outfit complete.

In high school, we would have Pajama Day as one of the dress-up days during Homecoming Week. I spent more time getting ready to put my PJ’s on for the school day than I did my regular outfits, simply because I wanted to look ‘cute’ in my PJ’s. I was extremely concerned about what my peers would think of me.

Today, my Pajama Days look drastically different. I enjoyed one yesterday in fact and am kind-of enjoying it again today. It is 2pm and I have altered my PJ’s only slightly, but for the most part, I have let myself simply be in a relaxed state of decompression.

Yesterday, I rolled out of bed, enjoyed a nice slow morning of reading the Bible while enjoying the smell of my husband’s coffee (I’m not a big coffee drinker, but LOVE the smell wafting through the family room as we snuggle under the blanket). After lunch, we took a nap and it was at 4:30pm that I showered and headed to the grocery store, just to return to put my PJ’s back on for a night of movie watching.

I began asking myself what it is about a day of complete relaxation (in my PJs) that rejuvenates me. Am I so busy during my week that I do not allow for this uninterrupted down-time, to fill my cup and simply be lazy. I have always liked the idea of a sabbath, but never feel like I have the time to create one in my week. As I write that, I have to laugh… I don’t have enough time to slow down and give my time, space and energy to God. From the very first sentences in the Bible it talks about rest (Genesis 2: 2-3)… and I don’t have enough time to have a sabbath? Eek, I think I need to dig a little deeper here.

How is it that I don’t have enough time? When I really get down to it, I see the root of fear of not having enough time… or not trusting that what will get done will get done each week. Wasn’t the sabbath given from God as a gift for us to rest- “so then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God” (Hebrews 4:9).

Here I am trying to build a business (that I feel God has equipped me to create with his help) and I feel like I have so many things to get checked off my list and the very thing that I feel is the most  important in my life (God) is being pushed to the side because I don’t have enough time? I’m off.

So I started today, in my PJ’s.

I had a slow morning with God, and have been pulling scriptures for my coaching packages while listening to my worship music. It’s a start.

I am scared to commit to having a full day of sabbath each week, but I am curious to try it. What would my life look like if I truly disconnected for a day to press into God? I wonder what may change with my approach to coaching, my perspective on my life and how I can help others? May be worth a shot, to let go of my fear of not getting things done and starting to flex that muscle of faith; that when I put God first, he is the one who guides my steps.

Sabbath doesn’t mean that I will sit at home and do absolutely nothing (although that may be nice for a few hours)… but it can mean for me to unplug from my work and enjoy the sunshine, go for a walk, read a leisure book, take a nap, have unscheduled time… let go and let God.

Just One More Thing…

Famous last phrase.

I get so wrapped up into my days and wanting to accomplish my to-do list that I find myself saying, “Just one more thing”. Trying to squeeze another thing into my day which only makes my life and me more crazy more unmanageable.

I want to feel accomplished each day and I want to get as much done in order for me to then relax. I laugh as I write that, because how many times have I approached my to-do list with this mindset and then I don’t really get to relax because I don’t have enough time to once my list is completed… Or I don’t get the chance to relax because my list continues to grow as I go throughout my day.

The red flag for me is when I am running errands or working on tasks and it’s time for me to change my focus and I say, “Just one more thing”. Or when I’m driving home and I need to be home to do something and I think I can squeeze in one more stop… “Just one more place”.

Typically, I then feel rushed and my focus turns to completing the task as quickly as possible and this inevitably causes me to feel anxious and impatient with the people I’m around. Either people aren’t working fast enough to check me out in a store, people aren’t driving fast enough, there’s too much traffic and I am irritable at others and then I beat myself up for choosing to do that ‘one more thing’ when I know I fall into this situation each time I give into that darn phrase.

“Just one more thing” equates to “I don’t trust I’ll have time at another time to complete this so I must do it now’… NOT TRUSTING the time God has given me for the tasks I was to complete.

What if I looked at it as though the work and errands I didn’t complete weren’t supposed to get done that day and to ask for another time in the near future to complete them.

Why do I feel as though the plans I make for my day are the best plans and that I need to accomplish them in order to be accomplished? Is it that I find value and worth in what I accomplish?

My prayer is to use the phrase “just one more thing” to be reminded to go to God in faith that what I have done is enough and that I can let go of my to-do list and instead of be in the hubbub of busyness but to rest in the margin of life.