In the very late afternoon, an ‘Unknown Caller’ is ringing my phone.
“Hello, this is Hilary”, I answer.
“Hi Hilary, this is Dr. Bhrama from SGF, is this a good time?” I hear.
Oh, my goodness, it’s her!
She is calling with the PGT-A/PGS/CCS report.
“Yes, of course. Let me get Hubby on the line”, I respond.
With Hubby on the line, she begins to share the news.
By the words she selects to use to begin the sentence, I knew our blastocyst/embryo is not chromosome normal.
She soon confirms my guess.
We learn that there is an extra chromosome on the first chromosome and if we were to transfer it would not remain a viable pregnancy.
We would miscarry.
We spend the remainder of the call discussing what this means for us and what our next steps will be.
I will spend this cycle maintaining and building a healthy hormone reserve to prepare me for our next stim cycle which will begin next month, at the start of my next period.
She will put us on a different medical protocol with the hopes of a better outcome.
I want to trust her.
I do trust her.
I am just sad.
We get off the phone with a plan in place.
The processing of this information begins.
Through my rollercoaster of emotions, I am recognizing how much God is showing me.
When we began this IVF round a few months back, I was fearful that our decision to do IVF again was taking the control out of God’s hands and forcing ‘my will and my plans’ to happen.
I was fearful that I would be pushing my agenda upon God and telling him what was going to happen.
As I sit here this morning, I am filled with humility.
No scientific procedure will make a child without God’s help.
I can take all the medication, eat all the right food, take all the right supplements and have eggs taken out of me, sperm washed and specifically chosen and put into the egg, have cell growth occur and look under a microscope like it’s the best grade blastocyst… and it not be God’s will.
Science can bring us closer to that point of creating life.
Ultimately though, it’s God who is the giver of life.
As we begin our focus on this next egg retrieval round (which will most likely be our final IVF round), I turn my eyes to God and open my hands.
Lord, if it’s your will for us to bring a child into this world, please grant us this gift.
Lord, I give you control over my life and pray to release my hands from the grip I have had on my wants and desires.
I surrender to you, I trust you. Please be with me as we walk through this next round together.