A Little Something

one in a millionMy journey continues as I experienced my first ‘period’ in over a year and a half. Yippee! Granted it was on a tiny scale compared to what I’ve remembered in the past, and some may call it spotting… But it was something. So what does this mean?

Well, that the build up of estrogen over the past 2 months created enough lining to shed for a day. It means the mixture of the estrogen patch and the progesterone pill created a reaction in my body. It also means that the body experiment continues.

I will stay on the estrogen patch for the next month to see if my body will kick into gear and produce this little something that I am calling a ‘period’ on my own. Once this occurs, I’ll be able to address the Poly Cystic ovaries.

I’m hopeful. The summer break I have needed is right around the corner and this means I’ll be able to focus on relaxing throughout my days in the sunshine. Slowing down from the faster-pace life and responsibilities of a full-time job.

God can create a baby at any time, and I am certain that I can become pregnant with, or without a period. I simply want to remain obedient to what is being asked. At this point, I am learning more about my body and the incredible, intricate creation it is. How in the world can I fathom the miracle of life.

I held my second nephew for the first time last week. He was less than 12 hours old and he is simply perfect. His little fingers, tiny nose and that little tongue that sticks out every once in a while. How are these little babies formed inside us women?

Moments like these provide pause to become overwhelmed with awe and wonder of our All Mighty God who created this world, and every thing and living, breathing specie. I am humbled. I do not know anything. My thoughts and abilities are minuscule compared to our Father.

Why do I doubt him? He knows what he’s doing and he knows why he created me and what he desires for me in my life. I do trust that and I do trust Him with my life.

Seeking medical advice and direction is a balance. I don’t want to look to my doctors to have all the answers. I want to keep that authority reserved to God. But I also recognize God trains people to do his work here, to be his hands and his feet. I will continue to pray for my doctors to be in touch with God in their practice and their professional growth.

Mother’s Day on Progesterone: Round 2

Today is a beautiful day to celebrate the incredible woman who brought me into this world. I For Print-6213 cherish her and value all that she has given to raise me into the woman I am today. My mom is a strong, gentle woman who continues to be a picture of humility and poise.

Today is also a difficult day for me as I yearn to become a mother myself. Maybe it’s the progesterone talking, but I feel left out of today as Facebook and other social means are exploding with babies and their momma’s. Why can’t I be one of those? What’s wrong with me that I can’t receive the same gift of being a mom?

I feel selfish even thinking these things. I know I should be grateful for the things I do have and for all the rest and ‘me’ time I get to have with my husband. Not to mention grateful I have a husband, I get that… and yet, I feel as though people are passing me by on this journey. They are all progressing forward with life experiences, and I’m still back here. Not because I don’t want to move forward… but it’s because I can’t. For some reason only known by God.

It is one thing to not have a baby and be ok, it’s another to want to have one and not be able to.

With spring babies are arriving, it seems like every day I see another post of a newborn laying in his/her momma’s arms in the hospital. The joyful yet exhausted look of the mother and the peaceful innocence of new baby wrapped up in warmth.

In less than a week, I will become an aunt for the second time. I am over the moon to meet this new little one! To hold him, to cuddle him, to look at all the amazement a precious new life is with all the miracles it takes to make a baby. My brother and my sister-in-law have been wanting a second child for a few years and I am beyond thrilled for their family and for my nephew to have a play-mate.

As for our journey, two months have passed since I began sticking these hormone patches on my lower abdomen. Every 3-4 days, I rip off one and stick on another on another part of my skin in hopes of it working… Something changing.

Last week, I emailed my doctor to find out what my next steps are now that I’ve completed the 2 months of estrogen. I have continued to work through the struggles of water-weight and too-tight clothing with my countdown leading up to this week when I would hopefully go off the patch and I would feel my ‘normal’ body again.

Instead, I was prescribed another month of the patch and the 2nd round of progesterone which I will take orally for the next 10 days. (Thankfully, it’s not the other way I know it’s prescribed).

Am I ready for the crazies? For the mood swings and the acne break-outs? Not really. Especially since we are celebrating my husband’s graduation from Seminary. We have 2 weeks of company, social events and opportunities for me to show up for others in spite of what’s going on inside of me. (If there is ever a time to pump my body full of hormones, maybe it’s best to do when I am distracted with friends and family in celebration).

Seeing the announcement of the new babies and the happy parents stirs up longing as I desire for my own. Will we have children, we hope so. Will I have one of those pictures on Facebook of laying in the hospital? Maybe. I am choosing to be hopeful of what our future holds, what these next 10 days to 5 weeks hold. Will I get a period? Maybe. Does this mean I’ll be able to get pregnant? It’s not a guarantee.

All the technology and medical advancements of today do not guarantee the outcomes we want or hope for.  The only guarantee that I continue to focus on is that God is in control and will make all things work together for his good. If it’s his will that we have a family, it will happen regardless of if I get a period. Grateful to have the opportunity to trust in his goodness and plans for my life and the future of our family.

Grateful to know that God hears my cries and feels my longing.