Showing up is all we can do.

One remains…

I thought this cycle was a bust a few days ago and I felt it in my heart. Disappointment.

Here I sit with one wonderful, large follicle and Dr. G is happy.

He sends me home with an HCG trigger shot to give myself in 2 days.

This time it’s a shot in my stomach and I can give it to myself– Hubby is off the hook.

We also get clear instructions on when we are to be together.

These instructions are different than what our OBGYN said so I’m a bit confused and my brain gets activated.

Wait a second?

My OBGYN said to be together every other day leading up to the day of Ovulation and then once the smiley is solid then be together that day and one more day following…

This time I’m hearing NOT to be together until 2 days after the shot and then again the following.

Which one is right?

I don’t know. As much as I want to Google search all the different ways that are recommended.

I surrender.

I don’t know what’s best and we are paying the CCRM clinic a lot of money for their expertise on this so I decided to let go of all the ‘figuring it out’ and just follow along with what they said.

I’m a bit scared. I am grateful for the opportunity to have another chance at having our own biological child and am praying I can relax into these next few days.


Two days ago, I gave myself the trigger shot. It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought. Just grabbed a bit of skin and stuck it in there.

Here we are- the two days Dr. G said to enjoy and I’m scared.

What if this doesn’t work?

What if we have to go through another round of all these tests and medications?

My face hurt with acne from the large dose this time around and I don’t want to go through it again… God, please work in us in these next 2 days. I am praying for a miracle and for the opportunity to be pregnant and give birth and have stretch marks

(Do I even know what I’m asking for right now?)

I know I will be ok if this is not Gods will and not the right timing for us to become parents, but at the same time, I do pray that we are able to and that my body responds and Hubby’s swimmers are strong and ready and that it all comes together.

I have a painful/weird feeling in my right ovary area this morning along with a weird sensation and my body feels ‘off’.

I take it as a sign that I’m ovulating.

Our time together hurts a bit but I keep focusing on what this could mean for us and pray that this is the beginning of our growing family.

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God, your will be done. May we receive whatever it is you have for us knowing your desires are good.

 

We’ve shown up and done what we can and again we wait. We’ve been here before.

What’s new is this time we will go in for a progesterone level test in a week to make sure my levels are where they are supposed to be to welcome the beginning stages of our baby.

God, we surrender.

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Game On!

How much did the 3 additional days of medication help?

Drum roll…

Not much.

My heart sank (again) as I looked at the ultrasound.

I don’t mean to get my hopes up with all of this but they do. It just happens that I get swept up in the possibilities.

I will be honest; I go back and forth about being a mom right now. I know I would LOVE to have a family and grow these little humans, but man it’s a lot of work and sacrifice.

There is some part of me that is thinking this LONG process towards becoming pregnant is preparing my heart because, with each let down, I grow even more intensely desiring of a healthy baby.

Could it be that this road of heartache is exactly what I need to prepare to really want a baby, bad enough to be ok with my life changing?

What am I say? I really don’t know what my life will be like once we have kids. I tend to superimpose myself into other people’s realities. Observing what other people’s lives look like with kids.

Who knows what mine will look like?

No one but God.

With that, I must let go and trust that my story will be my story.

Ultrasound results-

The uterine lining is down to 4mm, oh no!

There are still 6 follicles, largest is 11mm.

What? I don’t understand. After 3 days of medication and the largest only great 1mm. This is crazy.

Now we are on day 12… eek.

I am thinking it’s too late for this cycle.

We’ve missed our chance to make these follicles large enough for ovulation.

We send the results to Dr. G and wait on them.

They didn’t get it and it’s now the close of day.

Ugh, I am so upset.

My heart is heavy as I was really hoping that we would be able to try this round.egg-freezing-img-1.jpg

Do I really have to wait another month before we can start all of this over?

I am becoming impatient.

This is when I begin to feel like I’m 2 different people.

When I’m not ‘trying’ for a baby, I’m totally ok. Loving my life, wanting to continue growing my coaching business. Things are great.

But then I get around friends who have babies, and I want to be with them in the next stage of life. I start to want a growing family.

The longing grows as I ingest medication that inevitably makes me a little nutty.

Yes, I said before that the medication didn’t have many side effects, but I’m starting to wonder if that is true. I am a little sensitive. Plus, my face is breaking out which is never a confidence booster.

We have to wait until tomorrow to hear from Dr. G.

I feel defeated.


Holy cow, what a difference a day makes.

I head off to work and leave hubby to man the phones if any news comes in from Dr. G.

I actually forgot about it as I was working with clients and engaging in self-care activities (hit up the gym, enjoyed lunch, relaxed in a massage).

On the way home, I got a call from Hubby.

“Can you swing by Safeway and pick up 4 more days’ worth of Letrozole?” He asked.

Absolutely! Game on… this cycle is not over, yippee!

I am so grateful to have Hubby, who is my partner in life, which is demonstrated through this.

He has been such a support and I appreciate him picking up medications when he’s out, talking with nurses and doctors, sending reports and encouraging me through the ups and the downs.

When thanking him, he said, “sure, you’re the one who has to go in for blood draws, ultrasounds and ingest medications.”

So, true.

We are doing this together.

Medication regime:

  • Dr. G. upped the pills to 3 a day for 4 days.

Follow up:

  • Ultrasound on day 5 of the pills (which will be day 17 of my man-made cycle)

Overjoyed that I am still in the game for this round.

God, I know you know what you’re doing. I trust this entire process is in your hands and know that you are working on my heart and in my body for the perfect little one(s) to be growing inside of me.

I pray for a healthy place for babies to grow inside of me. Prepare my body and mind for pregnancy and motherhood. I pray for healthy, full-term babies that will be able to enjoy and experience the fullness of this world and the glory and love of you God.

 

 

 

We’ve got black circles!

Did the Letrozole work? Are we ready to make a baby? We will find out.

Day 9- OBGYN Ultrasound

I walked into my OBGYN office with confidence that we were going to have plenty of follicles growing and was actually a bit scared we would have too many and Dr. G would advise against us trying this month.

The tech started out measuring the uterine lining, 7.5mm, wahoo! It’d gone up, without any help from the Estrogen patch.

That’s great!

Then the left side- lots of black circles on the screen.

The tech counts 3 follicles, wahoo!

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Now we are talking. One of them looked like it was within the string of pearls often associated with PCOS but she counted it anyway.

The largest follicle on that side was 9mm, so still pretty small, but a good start.

On to the right side- 3 follicles, get out! 6 total, wahoo!

Now we have some contenders with the largest on this side being 10mm.

I’m feeling pretty good, although a little surprised they weren’t larger after being on this different medication.

I have the tech fax over the report to CCRM and wait to hear from them.

They didn’t get the results.

Ugh, seriously!

I call the office and have them resend.

It takes a few hours for a clear copy to go through.

Lesson learned: take a copy of the report with me to scan and send myself.

Why are dr. offices using fax these days anyway?

It’s now late afternoon and I’m getting impatient. What will the doctor have me do?

I get a phone call, it’s my sweet nurse Gina. She has the kindest voice, so soothing with a bit of chipper on the end. It’s as though she has a smile on her face as she says every word.

Dr. G wants me to do 3 more days of Letrozole, 2 pills each.

Got it.

Recheck in 4 days, done!

Well… at least there’s some forward movement.

I relax. Everything will be ok.

Part 2… Round 1

GST-674-07-770x300.jpgHere we go… round 1 with CCRM.

Blood Draw

Before Dr. G can prescribe the Letrozole, I have to go in for a blood draw to confirm I’m not pregnant. I find that to be ironic or funny.

A piece of me hopes that I am, that we don’t have to go through another round.

Wouldn’t that be amazing to receive the news that they can’t prescribe the medication because I’m already pregnant!

A girl can dream.

Confirmed: not pregnant

Ultra Sound

I then need to go in for an ultrasound to ensure I don’t have any cyst that would ‘eat’ the medication.

Confirmed: no cysts

Side comment: the technician did ask if I’ve heard of PCOS before because I have cystic-type ovaries.

… Funny.

Letrozole

Here we go!

Medication: prescribed

Dose: begin taking 2 pills daily for 7 days.

I understand the side effects to be different than Clomid and am hoping that my face doesn’t break out like a pizza and my skin doesn’t hurt like a stuffed sausage.

That was painful and uncomfortable.

Intrigued by the hope of Dr. G, I proceed with hopeful caution.

Hubby is a bit more skeptical as he recalls our OBGYN being just as optimistic.

I guess I just can’t get stuck in the weeds of the ‘what ifs’ and will choose to take it one day at a time, one dose of medication at a time.


Day 6-

The medication hasn’t been too terrible. Actually, I haven’t seen too much of a change except my energy level is a bit low. Praise God that’s all it’s been.

I’m a bit nervous that the medication hasn’t done anything for me because I haven’t had cramps or pains in my lower abdomen and just hope and pray that things are still reacting even though I can’t feel it.

We will wait until day 9 to visit the doctor for a second ultrasound. This will be the indicator as to the reaction to the medication and also where we will learn our next steps.

I am grateful Dr. G has not outlined every step for us as I was too caught up in counting days and plotting out our next moves.

I literally can’t do that this time around. I just get to live in this day, this moment.

God, I trust you and believe you know the timing for our growing family.

And the Dr. Says…

Unfortunate timing as our doctor was out of the office for a week after our lab-work and then booked the following.

…. so after a much-anticipated wait (haven’t I heard somewhere that patience is a virtue?), we have had our follow-up appointment with Dr. G. to find out more about our lab results and hear what he thinks our next steps are for treatment.

No surprise, Hubby’s swimmers look great and the anti-sperm antibodies are negative. No issues on his end and I’m extremely grateful for that.

As for me, here’s the list I can recall-

  • THS- normal
  • Uterus- normal
  • Egg quality/ quantity- normal
  • FSH- normal
  • LH- REALLY HIGH
  • Estrogen- normal

DRUM ROLL….

Conclusion: NOT hypothalamic amenorrheaCB064019 and NOT PCOS (although some of the symptoms and criteria fit with PCOS such as high LH, my testosterone levels are not elevated).

Is this good news?

For the most part, it is. Grateful not to have either of the two but where does that leave me? Somewhere in the middle, Dr. G says.

Diagnosis: Anovulation, not otherwise specified

Treatment: Get me to ovulate!

Dr. G. pretty much nailed my concern. Regardless of what we call my ‘condition’, the bottom line is we just need to get me to ovulate and Dr. G feels all the rest will come together.

He’s positive because I should respond to the medication because I don’t have hypothalamic amenorrhea and because I responded to the Clomid over the past several months.

I’m feeling pretty good about all this news. There isn’t anything major going ‘wrong’ in me, it’s just a matter of helping my bodywork.

What about the Heart shaped uterus?

Dr. G isn’t concerned. Wait, what? That’s great news.

Although on the HSG it looked like a septum, the 3D ultrasound, which is much more accurate, shows a mild arch and nothing needs to be removed)

No surgery necessary!

Wahoo! Grateful, grateful, grateful.

Treatment-

  • Begin on Letrozole. This will be used to make more FSH (to increase eggs)
  • Start with the midway dose which will mean I will take it for 7 days
  • Look at follicles and lining and then trigger
  • timed intercourse (IUI won’t be necessary at this point, Hubby’s happy)
  • Test for progesterone levels (add suppository if necessary)
  • Add estrogen towards the end of cycle, if needed to thicken the lining

Dr. G wants to do this with 3 successful ovulatory cycles. If we are not pregnant, he will then up the dose and add IUI.

Breath of fresh air… this is good news!