Month: May 2018

Reaching a New Level

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

We aren’t messing around anymore.

These past two rounds have been insightful for Dr. G. and he is ready to pull out the big guns.

We begin 10 days of Letrozole, at 10mg/day, the highest dose he will prescribe.

I am actually a little excited at the possibility of what this will produce.

Let’s get these follicles growing!

Each cycle has become such a routine that I have grown accustomed to.

Day one, make an appointment with my OBGYN for an ultrasound.

Head to the local LabCorp and get a blood test to confirm I am not pregnant.

Pop into my OBGYN for the ultrasound, ensuring there is nothing funky growing inside of me from all the hormones and measure the uterine lining.

Check, check.

Day three, begin Letrozol.

Days three through twelve, endure breaking out, early bedtimes, afternoon naps.

Day twelve, follicle check and see what next steps are to be.

Learning how to take care of myself on a new level.

I am going to the gym this time around. I need to. My mind needs the oxygen and release of tension. My muscles need the weight and attention.

At the start of this cycle, I receive news that one of my closest, dearest friends is pregnant. I am overjoyed. My body exudes love and excitement for her.

I have no sorrow. Only joy and praise for the opportunity they have received to raise a little one.

My heart is shifting. I am not looking at myself. I do not have the heavy heart as I have experienced in the past. My excitement and praise for God’s miracle growing inside of her are overflowing.

What is going on? I love that this is how I feel.lightnessofbeing-2015-Dec16-300x189.jpg

I meet the new little baby girl of another friend. I get to hold her and express my excitement and joy for her to my friend.

Am I changing? What is shifting inside of me? Whatever it is, I really like it.

God, thank you for giving me this part of the journey to refine and grow me.

My rough edges are being smoothed and I trust how you are reshaping my heart and mind.

Continue to use this to make me a better person, a more loving friend, and a more faithful, trusting person is who you are and what you’re capable of, God.

I thank you for this heartache and let down as it’s shaping my journey so far.

So excited to see what you’re going to do in and through this!

May I be a vessel or light to reach others. God, use me and my story to help others.

Emotional Waterworks

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

These small little blueberry pills certainly are doing their job!

Over the past 10 days, I have become more emotional and the side effects are growing more pronounced.

My body parts are sore; my skin feels bloated and I have gained about 10 lbs. since starting this whole process with the hormones.

I enjoy a good heart-pounding, sweat dripping workout.

In hopes of fostering a warm, safe environment, I have elected to not go on my regular jogs and am taming down my workouts to help my body be relaxed.

Not moving my body as regularly, I feel stiff and achy.

I may need to rethink this.

It’s been just about 2 weeks since the HCG trigger shot and I am trying not to get my hopes up for the next couple of days and I am instructed to test 2 weeks after the HCG shot.

That is…. if I don’t see red before.

I’m praying I don’t see red.

My womb area is crampy and sore and I am hoping that is implantation cramps and not period, but at this point, I lean towards the latter.

My mind is already going to the “what if I see red?” and my heart falls with discouragement.

Hubby reminds me to keep my head in the neutral, but it’s so hard to do when my body is constantly sending me signals to direct my attention back to the thought of baby vs period.

It’s been an emotional week.

Everything seemed to unlock the tears from my eyes.waterworks.jpg

My sobs were deep and my heart was heavy for all the unknowns and fears that come with. Facebook is no longer my friend.

The baby update pictures, the birth announcements.

It’s just too hard for me this week.

A couple very close to us is pregnant. They share their joys of the heartbeat.

I am overjoyed for them. What a miracle.

My eyes drop. My sadness builds. Will we have a miracle?

God, I pray we do.

I am constantly reminded this is not something we can produce, but something you gift to us.

I trust you, God. I don’t always understand you.

At times these emotions feel too much to handle.

We watched Breathe (highly recommend it). Had me in tears, that gut pulling sob.

I needed that. Get the emotions out.

Let the tears fall.

The morning is here. I am ready to test.

We have not seen red and I am cautiously optimistic.

It is possible.

I hold my breath, close my eyes and say a prayer.

God, may your will be done. Help me accept whatever you have for us this month.

I sense my heart drop. I don’t think I’m pregnant.

Waiting the full 3 minutes to see if anything changes.

It doesn’t.

We are not pregnant.

My eyes fall heavy, my shoulders drop.

There are no tears left to shed at this moment.

I just feel sadness overwhelm me.

Before I know it, I begin praying for red.

Praying that I will get a period so that we can start the next round.

I remember less than a year ago when we wanted so much to see red to be able to have a chance with a cycle.

Here I am again.

God, if it’s not your will for us to be pregnant… if this is not the right time. Please bring me a period to begin again.

I simply resume.

Fully surrender. There is nothing we can do right now.

I head to the gym. Stepping on the machines, I begin to crank out the sweat. Get all this yuck out of me. Move my body. Let it breathe and flow and feel alive.

I lift weights. Feels so good to work my muscles.
It’s been too long since I really gave myself the space to pour it all out.

Cleansing my body, I return to the gym for the rest of the week. I need a healthier starting point for this next cycle.

The red does come, praise God! I don’t have to do 10 days of medication to force the period.

We begin again.

 

 

 

Hopes for Blueberry

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

I’m not surprised that each morning for the past 3 days I have stared into that Ovulation test predictor stick without emotion. I have become numb to the “O” glaring back at me. No smiley face, not even a tinge of a possibility that my body is showing any trace of LH hormones. What used to be a frustrating symbol has now become a part of my morning routine. I don’t let it phase me.

Today is the (hopefully) final ultrasound before we are triggered to force ovulation. I am praying for a large enough follicle and although I answer Hubby with 19 when he asks how big I think they are, my heart wants it to be 20+.

We check in to the CCRM ultrasound counter and have a seat to wait for our name to be called. The sunshine warms my back. I feel at ease.

Leaning over to Hubby to share how great it would be if the ultrasound tech from my OBGYN was there today (she’s been doing all my ultrasounds since this first began), I realize I am scared.

What if there aren’t any follicles large enough? Will this tech know what to look for since I tend to have weird little follicles in random places?

Before I can acknowledge my emotions, the door opens. It’s Erica! The tech from my OBGYN office. She works at CCRM once a month, and today is her day.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME GOD?

Amazing.

I feel instant relief and a little emotion well in my eyes as she greets us. I want to hug her.

She welcomes us back and sets us up.

I feel as though I am in good hands now.

She inserts the wand and sure enough, h there are three follicles and one is 22mm!!

Wahoo! Thank you God!

We are ready to move forward with the HCG trigger shot.

Dr. G wants us to change our schedule slightly to help enhance the possibilities of pregnancy and also prescribes a tiny blue tablet (suppository) full of estrogen to help make a cushy lining for our hopeful little one to nestle into. I have to use this for the next 2 weeks and he says it can be a bit messy, blue messy in fact.

At this point, why not? I’ll add it to the list of experiences.

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It reminds me of a blueberry and actually began joking about it being just that.Blueberries are to help in pregnancy so why not let this be another opportunity to believe that good will come.

Hubby and I time out the shot correlated with the new schedule. This will require me to wake up at midnight tonight to give myself the shot in order for everything to fall into line after that.

The things I do for this soon-to-be, hopefully-will-be baby.

Let the next two weeks begin today!

Nightly, I administer the blueberry tablet and let it do its thing while I sleep.

I find myself excited and hopeful of what these few slight changes might bring us. We actually could become pregnant.

Hubby reminds me not to be too excited and that we can be hopeful but to keep our expectations low.

I know he’s right.

Living for today and doing all we can do.

I change my schedule for the next two weeks. Creating more downtime, taking things off my to-do list so that I can just relax and not bring too much stress to my body.

God, I trust you… this is all I can say. Over and over.

Act of Surrender

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

The emotions from 2 weeks ago have subsided and I am into the routine of the new cycle. Dr. G did put me on Letrozole and I experience the same side effects.

Painful acne on my face and neck with my sleepy eyes starting around 8pm each night.

I elected not to work out too much these past two weeks, hoping my body would focus fully on growing follicles.

This isn’t a medical approach, more just how I was feeling I could take care of myself.

Calm walks in the sunshine have been a delight.

The nurse did say to cut down on the crunching and twisting of my waist to allow for the follicles to have a calm, unagitated place for growth.

After 7 days of medication, I went in for a follicle check.

It’s working!

Three follicles in my left ovary, yippee!!

Measuring 13, 14, 15mm. That’s great for day 11 of my cycle.

My lining is the normal thickness too, praise God!

Dr. G is happy with the numbers and wants me to go in for another ultrasound in 2 days.

Skeptical of his approach, I obey. He is the doctor after all. In my mind, I would think he’d want me on the medication until those suckers are nice a large, but who am I to say this?

Day 13 Ultrasound. Let down.

Three follicles continue to exist and are slowly getting larger, but not at the rate they need to be.

Measuring 14, 16, 16mm. Not as great of news as I wanted to receive.

“I told you so” rolls around in my head as I think back to how I ‘could’ have been on medication these past 2 days to help them grow, but NO… the doctor didn’t see it that way.

That’s ok. I’m ok. I trust Dr. G and his expertise in this area.

Sometimes I wonder though…

  • Am I just another number to him?
  • Does he not care that we are paying out of pocket for all these tests and medications?
  • Does he not care that we are creeping towards 40 and would love to have a family in the near future?

I know he does care, otherwise, he wouldn’t be doing what he’s doing.

Sometimes I just wonder if my needs and wants aren’t as important to him and how he approaches the medicated cycles.

Who am I to say though?

He works with hundreds of patients and has for years.

I can trust that he knows what he’s doing. Bigger than that. I trust in an All-Mighty God who is powerful and righteous. I know God is using Dr. G to help me.

He puts me on 2 more days of Letrozole and wants us to come in for a 3rd ultrasound in 3 days.

I go skipping to the pharmacy, hoping this will be the medication needed to help these little ones grow and ‘ripen’.

I can’t help but be hopeful for this cycle and what’s going on inside my body.

I place my hands on my stomach and begin to pray.download.jpg

With all this medicine, I still am reminded that it’s by God’s miracle that we will become pregnant. I truly believe God is using Dr. G and this medication to work in my body and pray that his healing hand will be in me as we go into this weekend and to the next visit.

I pray that my womb may become open and able and ready to receive a baby.

One that will grow healthy and strong.

I pray for the peace of mind and a relaxed spirit as I lean into God and trust that He is all powerful and all knowing.

God, in your perfect timing and by your perfect creation.

I surrender to you God.

Your will be done.

Shades of Pink

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

I am so sad. My tears won’t stop flowing and I can’t tell which emotions are causing which tears.

Yesterday afternoon, I began to feel a little ‘sensation’ down there and I thought it was strange. When I checked, there were clear, pink and brown colors on the tissue and then came a little bit of cramping. What is this?

Am I getting my period? I am so confused.

Five days ago, my progesterone levels were checked, all good!

Praise God, no need for medication this week.

Dr. said we should test in 7 days.

Roger that!

I have been gaining a couple of pounds (intentionally) to try and encourage healthy growth of this little bean and also not hitting the gym as I usually do.

By nightfall, I have felt sluggish and exhausted as though the minute I closed my eyes, I would fall into a deep slumber.

My body was roasting at night and I would kick off covers. There were a few nights of restless sleep.

Strange for me. I am notorious for my deep, long sleeping patterns. In fact, most people are envious of my ability to sleep anytime, anywhere.

What’s up?

Am I pregnant?

That would explain a lot of this.

The LONG dreaded wait of 2 weeks between ovulation and HCG surge indicating the potential pregnancy.

I won’t be making the same mistake as a few cycles back where we tested too early and the pregnancy tests picked up the remanences of the HCG trigger shot.

Seven days it is… we wait.

Here we are, back at 2 days before we are supposed to test and I am Google searching implantation bleeding… is this it?

Possibly!

It’s described as 10-12 days after ovulation (today is day 13) and masks itself like a period with bleeding and cramping.

I actually might be pregnant.

Eek!

I take a cheapo pregnancy test.

One line.

BUGGER!

But you know what, this might just be too early to tell. It takes a few days for the hormone levels to rise after implantation so if this is actually implantation bleeding, it wouldn’t show up on a test.

There’s still a chance?!

Ok, don’t get your hopes up. Stay calm and patient as you wait 2 more days… then you’ll know for sure.

I woke up this morning and I continue to bleed.

My cramping is worst than yesterday and I begin to think this might be a period instead.

I do the math… today is 34 days since I began taking the Letrozole so even though I had a late ovulation, this would be in line with an elongated period cycle.

It actually just might be a period.

I am torn.

What do I believe?

Is this a period or is it implantation bleeding?

Why can’t someone give me an answer?

I must wait until tomorrow to take the test.

Dr G said to call with results and he would guide from there.

I don’t want to have to go through another round of tests and ultrasounds and medication that makes my face hurt with acne.

Oh my I feel overwhelmed with emotion.

No wonder I’m crying.

I return home from being out and get the news that some of our closest friends are pregnant.

I am thrilled for them, really.

But inside, I don’t know how to handle this. Emotions are swarming. My chest is tight.

I call to congratulate and feel the tears welling.

I quickly say my good-byes.

Why God?

This isn’t fair.

darkness.jpg

I am sorry, I feel like I have been patient and open to trusting your timing and this process. But I don’t get it?

Why can some people get pregnant after a few months and then there are people like me? Years.

 

What did I do to deserve this? Am I really that ‘bad’ of a person?

 What is wrong with me and what can I do to fix myself to be able to get pregnant?

The questions swarm my head like an agitated beehive.

I close my eyes to calm my thoughts. I breathe in, hold, and breathe out.

I know that I really didn’t DO anything wrong, but man it feels like I did.

 

It hurts to even think about the idea of needing to accept that we might not have our own biological children.

I’m not ready for that.

But how many more rounds of this am I able to tolerate?

God, I need you so much right now.

When there are no answers, I yearn for your loving support and assurance.

 

(Hilary, you’ll be okay, I have you, I know what’s best for you and I know what lies ahead. I know this is hard, I know this doesn’t make sense to you, but I know what I’m doing, do you trust me?)

Yes, I do. I trust and I have faith and I do believe that if I continue doing what’s placed in front of me then I will be on a good path in life.

Taking one step at a time.

For today, I sit here in this space of unknown.

Not overlooking the fact that if this is a period, it came on its own!

Need I remind myself that less than a year ago, I was having to take medication to force a period to occur in order to even start a new round of trying.

Today, if it is a period, I can be grateful that it happened naturally.

Truth is, I don’t know if I’m not pregnant.

I still might be, possibly.

Then I’d really feel like a doof feeling all this emotion and animosity towards God for no reason.

I just have to wait until tomorrow and see what is revealed.

Tomorrow has come and it is now today.

I don’t have a good feeling about the test.

One line.

Not pregnant.

The reality is confirmed.

I cry and feel down. I take a nap.

I wake up. Shower. Make some connections with dear friends and continue to feel my feelings.

I am sad.

I really don’t want to go through another round of this, but I will.

I have to.

It’s the only way right now.

I call my Dr.

He wants me to do a pregnancy test through a blood draw and complete an ultrasound in order to clear me for the next round of Letrozole.

This will start tomorrow.

7 days of Letrozole at 7.5mg… upping the dose a bit.

My weight is slightly up from normal and I am hoping this will help cultivate a good nesting environment this time around.

I take a walk in the sunshine. Soak in the warmth and feel Gods presence.

I am not alone.

The feelings are there and I am grateful that I can feel today.

Grateful I have a period to start a new cycle and grateful that I have the sunshine on my face.

I am alive and this brings new hope.