The Little Pea

The little white blur on the screen moves.

Hubby and I get the opportunity to see our little one for the first time.

Everything looks healthy!

She scans in and we can see the solid white line down the center of the white oval looking blob on the screen- the spinal cord.

Every second the blob pushes out a blimp from the oval shape and there we have the heart.

It is beating 145bps and we have a healthy, viable embryo growing inside of me.

I can’t believe what I am looking at on the screen.

More than that, I can’t believe that this little thing that has a heartbeat, that is beating without me having to do anything to make it do so, is inside of me.

This heartbeat, this life, is inside of me, right now.

How in the world?!

I can’t feel it and yet it is the size of a blueberry.

Little baby Maxee is measuring 6 weeks, 5 days (due date Aug 29, 2019).

Everything is right with the world.

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Fear of Miscarriage

I’ve held my breath for the past 2 weeks (since our call from our IVF Dr).

Each morning I place my hand on my stomach area and say a prayer for the little one growing inside me.

At least, I hope it’s growing.

I have been playing mind games with myself since I am not feeling any side effects.

Although I do have some soreness in the chest, I began feeling this when I started the progesterone oil shots a week prior to the transfer.

My mind convinces myself that I have miscarried and that my body is not releasing it because of the extra hormone cocktail I give myself each day.

I don’t have the morning sickness and the cramping has slowed down.

I have to take a deep breath and choose to believe I am pregnant.

“I am pregnant until I hear otherwise from the doctor.”

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I repeat this phrase over and over in my head.

“I am pregnant until I hear otherwise.”

I wish I could be excited.

Both Hubby and I are cautiously optimistic.

I want to be able to throw our hands in the air and jump in excitement, but there is still a long road ahead of us and we both know the realities of our journey.

This has been a four-year road and we have had a lot of letdowns.

In a very scary way, this is the farthest we have gotten on this journey and we are scared to let ourselves be open to the possibility of a good outcome out of fear of the loss if it’s not.

How can I be fully in love and protecting this little being, and completely fearful at the same time?

It hits me.

This isn’t going to go away.

So, we hit 13 weeks and we are safely into the 2nd trimester.
I have had friends who have delivered stillborn babies at 36 weeks.
Once we get to the delivery of this wonderful being and it’s healthy and screaming that beautiful scream, then there is viruses and diseases.

Once they are three and running in the yard, they might run into the street and be hit by a car.

There is always going to be something for me to worry about.

There is always going to be the choice I have to live in fear of what if or faith for what’s possible.

I want to live in faith.

I want to believe that this little being is going to make it to full-term and have 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 arms, 2 legs, healthy working organs, etc.

I choose to believe this today.

Until I hear or see for myself, that this little being isn’t what I am imagining, healthy and perfectly made, then I will live in this space of positive possibilities.

It’s interesting how much I hold onto the upcoming ultrasound.

We are 2 days away and I am not feeling anything in my stomach.

I have a head full of fear and I just want to see that heart beating on the ultrasound.

I need to see this little being alive in me.

I call some friends who help me to see that I am thinking in my state of fear and that I need to change my thinking.

This whole journey is going to be a daily return to my faith and trust in God and what he is doing in my life and in my body.

I feel a peace wash over me as I know that this little being is a gift from God and He has given this little one to me to take care of for a brief amount of time on earth.

God is the Father and I am His child, just as much as this little one inside of me is His child.

What happens to me just like what happens to this little one is in God’s hands.

I get to practice the art of surrendering on a daily basis.

Surrendering my fears and my overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

God, this is yours. Help me give this little one the nutrients it needs.

I can focus on the healthy food I eat, the rest I give my body and the exercise I enjoy.

I can’t control everything, but I can play in this little sandbox God has given me- my life and my choices.


This morning I woke up with pure queasiness. I hear different food items and want to gag.

Nothing sounds good to eat and yet I know I need to eat.

I don’t look at my meals and I just feed myself the nutrients I need.
This food is just fuel, it’s nothing tasty or enticing.

Fully neutral and that is a gift.

First Family Ski Day!

Hubby and I take our little one to the mountains for the first time.

You gotta start ’em young!

And yes, I decided it was ok to ski. I am taking it slower than I usually go and staying away from people.

The doctors gave strong concern for skiing, not because of the activity but the fear that I will fall or someone will run into me, forcing a trauma to my body.

It was a beautiful blue-sky day and we were out with multiple members of our family and some friends. (None of them knew we were pregnant at this time in our journey)

I had a little cramping in my stomach which was a good reminder for me to keep it slow and easy and to be mindful of the skiers around me.

I am playing it safe and just taking in the sunshine, the blue sky, the fluffy snow and the memories being created with my sister-in-law, dad, and nephew.

My heart beats a bit faster up here at elevation and I chug the water to keep hydrated.

What a gift I have to live this life… and to have this life inside of me.

Little does this little one know that today was our first ski outing as a family of three.

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First Family of 3 Ski Day!

**For anyone preganat, please talk with your doctor about skiing before you decide to go. This was a decision Hubby and I spent a great deal of time talking and praying over.

Are we pregnant?!

Tick, tock… tick… tock.

The minutes seem to be slugging by as we wait for the phone to ring. I cleverly changed the ring for “Shady Grove Fertility” to a soft, chipper ring so I wouldn’t get my hopes up when my normal ring chimed.

I read, journal, check Facebook.

My LabCorp account states the bloodwork has been delivered to my doctor’s office.

We wait.Image result for blank pregnancy test

At 9:01am, the bouncy musical ring chimes from my phone.
I hop up, prance into the office so Hubby and I can answer together.

“Hello,” I say.

“Hi Hilary, this is Christine from Shady Grove Fertility, how are you?”

We exchange pleasantries.

“Well, I have the results from your lab and…

CONGRATULATIONS

you are pregnant!”

 

Wahoo! We are pregnant! What an overwhelm of excitement that washes over me.

She continues that she would like for me to have another blood draw in 2 days to make sure my HcG is increasing at a healthy rate. We will then do a vaginal ultrasound to confirm the heartbeat at week 6.

Smiling from ear to ear, I take down the information.

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So, how far along am I? I ask.

Today is 4 weeks and 5 days.

Holy cow! I think

Your due date on August 28, 2019.

I can’t believe it!

I guess the medical field begins counting day 1 on the day of my last period and since we went through IVF, the day of the transfer was already 2 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

Incredible!

Woah… we are pregnant!


For the next two days, it’s all so surreal.

I have heard many stories of people miscarrying (even with IVF) and so I am holding my breath.

I want to shout the great news from the rooftop but am also scared that I’m counting my chicken before it hatches.

Hubby and I decide to wait for this next blood test to let out a little sigh of relief.

We also know that we have a few more major milestones to hit before we can really celebrate and share this information with all the world to know*.

  • The second blood test to show an increase in HcG means the fetus is growing.
  • The 6-week transvaginal ultrasound to hear the heartbeat and measure the fetus
    1. Most pregnancies will have the first ultrasound at 10-12 weeks, but since I am still under the care of Shady Grove, they are ensuring this pregnancy is viable.
  • Getting to week 13 to know we are through the first trimester with a healthy baby

Two days later I get an early morning blood draw.

Within a couple of hours, the same cheery ring comes through my phone.

Confirmed: a healthy increase in HcG, we are on track for a healthy, wonderful pregnancy!

 

(* I hate to disappoint anyone but I hope you will forgive me as I have not been posting in real-time. Out of protection for our hearts in this process Hubby and I decided to put a little space between the actual dates of this happening and when it was shared with the world… we are excited to report at this moment of posting we are currently 12.5 weeks pregnant!!)

 

 

 

The Invasive Question

I have been honest with my emotions and open about this journey to virtually everyone I know. I have hoped that by sharing my story and being real with how hard this has been for me, it may help another feel as though they are not alone and more importantly, help others understand the fertility… or in my case, lack of fertility, journey people can experience.

So today, I get real with you again.

I feel pregnant.

I know…. eek, right?!

BUT

I am scared as it’s not confirmed by my doctor and the blood test will be in a few days.

My body feels tired and at times I feel crampy pressure.

It’s a very real possibility and I want to be excited, but it’s not the right time for it yet.


I have become incredibly sensitive to people asking about the IVF process and when we are going to transfer. (This is prior to people actually knowing that we transferred).

“So when are you going to transfer?”

A totally legitimate question, but that also means they know when we will find out and then they know when the most vulnerable stage of the pregnancy is, when miscarriage is still a very real possibility and when I am not sure I want just anyone knowing.

I’m not ready for everyone to know that we have actually already transferred.

The little Maxee is not frozen in Maryland.

Maxee is actually inside of me.

I feel like a lier as I’m not telling the full truth and the question actually stings.

It’s as though I have been walking around in a bikini, being vulnerable and open, and now I just want to wear a sundress and people keep asking to see my bikini.

Violated isn’t the right word, but it is interesting how my emotions and sensitivities have shifted.

I feel it’s because I am at the most vulnerable stage of this whole process.

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The embryo is in me and I am waiting in anticipation of what the result will be and the result itself is raw and vulnerable and potentially life-changing.

We are nearing the pinnacle point in this whole journey.

Are we pregnant? My fear is that we aren’t.

It’s not my friends and family’s fault for asking about the transfer date, they have been invited into this journey.


This whole process has been so MEDICAL and SCIENTIFIC and I am just wanting to have some sense of NORMALCY when it comes to the allure of pregnancy.

To be able to surprise friends and family.

To share in the excitement of the good (GREAT) news.

What I can offer is that I will let you know as soon as I want you to know what’s going on.

I have up until this point, haven’t I?

If I can offer any points of advice from my experience this week is this:

If you know someone going through IVF and they get to this stage when they know how many emby-babies they have frozen, might you consider not asking WHEN they will transfer, but instead mention you understand this is a vulnerable time and are here for when they want to share any further developments.

I thought I would be open, but this is something I want to experience with Hubby and be able to share the news when we are ready.


My hormones and the extra shots of hormones each morning must really be getting at me.

I am shut off from being able to express joy other people’s IVF successes at this moment. My head says, “good for you, I hope I get to have the same.”

Yes, it’s a little sulky and salty right now and I know it’s my fear.

I feel too vulnerable and it’s out of my control if this embryo stays inside me.

There is also jealousy for the fact that other people are beyond this unknown stage and able to show the world their baby-bump.

I’m not there yet.

These last few days have been quiet, I have enjoyed the slowness of this season, giving my energy to the growth of the hopeful little one.

The next time I write, we will know the results of the blood test!