Confirmed

The blood draw that I have been waiting for is finally here. Today I will go to LabCorp with the instructions to test my hCG levels to confirm pregnancy, or not.

I am not feeling too optimistic about it.

I was anxious leading up to the transfer, anxious after the transfer, and have not felt that sense of ‘being’ inside of me as I recall with our first.

One blood draw, in and out.

And then I wait.

I can’t change the outcome of the blood draw.

There is nothing I could have done differently during this process to have guaranteed a pregnancy.

I just have to trust that whatever is, will be.

I pray for acceptance of the outcome.

At 11:45am, I receive the email from LabCorp stating my results have been posted.

I log in.

Close my eyes, focus my mind on God and remember whatever is, will be.

There it is, starring at me.

>1

Pregnancy levels begin at 3.

Not pregnant.

I am so sad.

I am incredibly confused.

I don’t understand.

Why is it that a perfectly sound looking embryo in the labs with genetically correct chromosomes cannot result in a pregnancy?

I try not to blame Dr. B for ‘jinxing’ us with the data a few months back of the success rate of IVF being 65%. I still wish she wouldn’t have told me that.

I remember that fear was seared into my mind as soon as I heard it.

I don’t need more ammo against my negative thinking.

I cry and I am also not surprised. I sort of knew I just don’t want it to be true.

What does this mean? Will we do another round of IVF or are we going to stop?

I get a call from Dr. Bhrama.

She is so kind, so gentle and so compassionate.

We talk for 30 minutes.

She begins with her condolences and meets me where I am, letting me process some of the things I don’t understand.

She agrees- she was absolutely surprised as well since based on what she saw, everything looked great.

The lining was perfect, almost identical to when we transferred with our daughter.

When I was ready, she shared how many of the unknowns still exist in the IVF process.

There is so much that they cannot guarantee once they transfer the embryo and so much they still have to leave up to nature and what I believe to be God’s work.

For the embryo to implant, it first needs to find a spot, nestle in, connect with blood source and even then, the chromosomes that all look/appear normal might not actually be all as it needs to be.

She tried to explain that part and I got a bit lost.

Bottom line though is there is so much that is still not scientifically known to make implantation a guarantee.

Tonight, I will stop the medication and wait for my body to flush out all the build-up of the home I have been creating.

The envelope with our embryo’s gender will remain in the kitchen drawer until I’m ready to face and again mourn the loss of what could have been. I just can’t do it now; it makes the loss so much harder.

The next step is to have a formal consult with Dr. B in the upcoming days. She is going to talk with her team in the lab to get all the details as well as consult with the other doctors to come up with a game plan for if we decide to do another IVF harvest round.

Am I ready to go through all of this again?

I can’t think about this today.

For today, I can be grateful we have our daughter and that she came so easily compared to what we have been through these past six months.

For today, I can watch her running and talking and playing and be so full of joy and love to be a mom and watch her delight in this world.

For today, I can be sad and cry. Giving space for the loss of hope, loss of life we saw in that embryo and know that there is always a reason, even if we don’t understand it yet.

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