Desiring an A

I really want to be a good mom.

Feeling the weight of this responsibility charges me to want to ‘do it right’ and to provide a safe environment for my daughter.

How do I know how to be a good mom? How will I know that I am a good mom? Is this something that I will award myself? Is it something my partner will say or is it something that will be presented to me over time from my children?

The honest truth is it might not be any of the above. It might just be that knowing I’m a ‘good mom’ comes from me checking in with myself to ask, “am I doing the best I can?”

I read… a lot.

My Instagram feed is full of accounts that help with parenting.

I really want to be a good mom, but what does being a good mom mean anyway?

Ultimately, I want my daughter to feel safe, loved, accepted, encouraged, empowered, and balanced.

Personally, I feel the way to bring this into her life is to be present with her and engaged with what she is doing and feeling. I want her to feel as though she is seen as some one and that her presence matters. I want her to know she is valued and wanted in this world. I want her to know her emotions and be able to use this knowledge for growth. Reading about emotional intelligence helps me to know that I’m on the right path when I’m asking her about her feelings.

I also don’t want her to feel entitled or become bratty with her individualism. For her to have a healthy respect for others around her and for authority.

The balance of parenting skills fueled by the desire to do it well and living with the nagging fear that I’m going to mess her up.

Hubby jokingly says, “we ARE going to mess her up and the sooner we accept this the easier we will be on ourselves”.

I don’t want to mess her up though, I don’t want to harm her or hurt her. I really don’t want her to be gripped with the same emotional issues I struggled with for so long. My feelings of inadequacy and desire for perfection.

This is something I have to let go of. She might feel I did a bad job or was too controlling or not strict enough.

As I read the different philosophies with parenting, I see that I don’t really know where I land and which one will produce the results I’m looking for.

When I try and bring what I think we should do to the table with Hubby, he and I often see we have similar perspectives and just as often we have differing.

Parenting is hard enough but to get onto the same page and parent in partnership is another challenge. In many respects I see why previous generations made it work to have one parent away for the majority of the day and the other the main source of caretaking.

Hubby and I are finding our way through this and our communication skills are being sharpened.

Ultimately, we are doing the best we can to give her the loving home we think she needs to thrive. I hope she will know this when she grows up.

2 thoughts on “Desiring an A

  1. Hi Hil- looking through this first post, wanting an A in parenting, I guess that is the first step. A few lessons from my mess-ups. 1) my mess ups happened from not getting what I expected with regard to the performance or behavior from my kids, and then my behavior as a result. Not the run of the mill kids issues, but things that meant too much to me and maybe not as much to them. When feeling that way, take a moment to take stock before putting anything that heavy on them. 2) Try to protect them too much from things that really matter. Sometimes you have to make a choice because kids are way more receptive and knowing than you realize and they can take on your pain when that is not what you are trying to do. Rather share it with them, and make sure they are not the cause. The good news is: if you love them, and they know that, with out a doubt they know that, they and you will be ok. You will mess up, own it, talk to them about it and laugh about it later.


    • This is so true, Mark! Thanks for sharing as I will have re-read this as I move through each experience with her as I learn how much of my own ‘stuff’ I bring into those conversations and interactions.


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