July | 2016 | Hilary Maxwell

I’ve been fighting it. Avoiding it. Not wanting to give in. But at last, I caved.

For the past few months, I was hopeful that I would get a period on my own. I have been on the Estrogen patch for 6 months now and had myself convinced that the little bit of spotting I had about 10 weeks ago was a sign that my body was kicking into gear.

At the beginning of July, I went in for a minor wrist surgery and they were going to be giving me local anesthesia. Upon learning that I have not had a period in almost two years, they quickly ordered a pregnancy test. There was a little hope in me that maybe it would come back positive. For the proceeding 30 minutes of waiting while they did their magic in the lab, I was creating fun ways I would tell Daniel that we were pregnant. I even started thinking about how I did feel sick the last few mornings… maybe I had morning sickness, and I was getting excited!
Oh yes, I let my thoughts ‘go there’ as my expectations and hopes elevated, I knew I was in for a tumble of upset.

Indeed, we are not pregnant and they proceeded with the surgery. Quickly I dropped back to that low, ‘Eeyore’ type mentality around getting pregnant. You know, the donkey from Winnie the Pooh? He is always down, thinking nothing will ever get better. I have the thoughts of: ‘Maybe it won’t happen’… ‘God where are you in this?’… ‘What’s wrong with my body? Why did you make me like this?’ Questions without answers.

Meanwhile, my Endocrin emailed saying it would be good for me to go through 3 rounds of progesterone before moving to Clomid… Bouncing from one medical patient to the next.

I was faced with the inevitable… I needed to go a 2nd round on progesterone. Yet, I held out for three more weeks on the slight chance that my body was on summer vacation and taking it’s sweet time in ovulating and bleeding. No sign.

So here I am, three days into the meds and I feel like my emotions are all over the place. I just got through a ‘heavy’ conversation with my husband about our flight miles! Really? At this moment, anything can set me off into feeling overwhelmed with emotions… and as I sit here and I can see that I‘m emotional for absolutely NO REASON!

I think I need to go wake up my husband to share that it was the progesterone talking. Darn emotions.

Seven more days of this stuff and then we will see what happens. I just hope I can keep a lid on these weird mood swings enough to make it through without saying something I know I’ll regret!

God, grant me peace and offer your grace as I am not strong enough to go through this alone. I’m so grateful you are with me and you know what’s to come.

Six weeks, that’s what the doctor told me. I was to wait 4-6 weeks to see if my body would kick in on its own to produce a period. I was skeptical since I didn’t really get a period, but I continued to pray, trust and rotate the little sticky patches of estrogen from my lower abdomen every 3-4 days.

I was introduced to an app called Kindara, and although it does track a woman’s cycle off of a period (which doesn’t help me), it also helps plot the month based off body temperature and mucus. I didn’t think I’d be one to try it, but figured ‘why not?’ and ordered my basal thermometer from Amazon. The trick with the temperature is that it’s important to take it first thing in the morning, before moving from the bed. So I began sticking it in my mouth blurry eyed and half asleep when my alarm goes off in the morning.

It’s interesting to learn more about myself as this process continues. I now know that I run a little colder than my husband, typically in the 96 degree range, where he is in the 97. May explain why I carry a jacket with me into restaurants even in the summer or like to drink hot water to warm up :-).

My body temperature has not ‘spiked’ over the past month as it is supposed to when a woman ovulates. So maybe… I don’t ovulate? At this point, I am not drawing any conclusions until I have used this app for at least 3 months.

So I add to my research, plotting and observing, gathering information and praying. The peace I continue to feel is surreal as I know God is in this, just like he is in everything. I know his timing is perfect and his plans for us is exactly what we want.

I did get to see how much stress can play a huge part in my body’s functioning. For 10 days in June, I was intensely studying for the Certified Personal Trainer certification through the National Academy for Sports Medicine (NASM). For hours each day, I was learning new concepts and memorizing various facts. Determined to pass the test before our summer trip, my body experienced stress which lead to a change in my bodies behaviors on Kindara. I saw how stress decreased my mucus production, which possibly indicates a change in my cycle. Thankfully I passed and have that behind me while also being more aware of how my body reacts to stress.

Here we sit, officially six weeks past that little blimp of spotting, and I am discouraged as I say nothing has come since. I will continue taking my body temperature at the start of each day, wearing the estrogen patch and will take one more round of progesterone to see how my body reacts.

My doctor believes the next step will be to see an infertility doctor and try Clomid. With the change in my job/insurance, we may have to wait a few months until the dust settles before we go to that next step. Either way, I know everything will happen in the way and timing it is supposed to.

So for today, I celebrate what I do have to enjoy, and embrace each moment of this life!