Attempting Round 2

10 days later, its confirmed: not pregnant.

I began the Provera today. Still skeptical as I have been on this before and it did not produce a bleed. Praying that this time will be different and that my body will react to the medication and bleed. Then we can do our 2nd round of Clomid to continue the science experiment.

My OB drops what feels like another bomb.

“You may bleed while taking the Provera, in that case, call us, otherwise it could take up to 2 weeks after taking the Provera (for 10 days) before you bleed.”

Wait, WHAT?! Not only did we have to wait 10 days because we had unprotected sex in order to start the Provera, in addition to taking the Provera for 10 days, but now we may have to wait another 2 weeks after to see if I even bleed?!?

And then what if I don’t bleed? It may be that I will be put on birth control which will take another MONTH before we can even begin round 2 of Clomid.

Ok, so what am I really feeling?

A little duped at the moment. Here I was thinking that if we aren’t pregnant one month then we will just try again the following… NOPE. It’s almost like we have to wait every OTHER month.

I can already feel my impatience building up What is that about? The impatience I mean. Feeling as though I’m in such a hurry to get this baby show on the road and that I don’t want to be left behind from other friends, I don’t want to be an old mom… ah, I see it… I’m fearful. Good to note.

Angry and resentful that I have to be different than millions of women in this world. Not only can I not get pregnant just by having sex (which is the story for many people in my family), but I cant just go one month to the next trying to become pregnant. Since I don’t get a period, I have to essentially wait 10-24 days between cycles to even START the next cycle.

Am I feeling a bit dramatic? Yes. I’m also feeling as though this isn’t fair that my road seems so much more difficult than other people. (Pity party)

There I go, dropping into the world of comparison and complaining. I know where this leads and it’s no where, FAST.

I’m not dismissing my feelings (stated above), and yet those feelings don’t serve me. They don’t produce anything helpful.

So I know I need to turn it around- looking for the good, I start a list of things that I am grateful for and recognizing the things I DO have as opposed to the things I don’t.

I begin to pray for guidance and rest in Him, knowing that God has a plan for each one of us. All of our journeys look different. There may be some similarities between mine and another, but we all have our journey to enjoy. And it is to be enjoyed, not fretted or worried over, but embraced.

How can I live today as though I knew I would be a mom in the future?

I remember asking this of myself when I wanted to be married. I pined for a husband and to no longer be single, desiring so much to know who this man would be in my life. Yet that simple question helped me to live my single days to their fullest.

So, I bring it into my life now. Knowing my life will change when we have kids. How can I live my life today with the assurance that I will be a mom in the future?

Enjoy sleeping, afternoon napping, going to the gym when I want to, spontaneous date nights, reading quietly, hiking and camping without much planning…

God is preparing us and helping me experience the joys of today.

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Stuck with Needles

Walking into the cool warmly lit office, I knew I would be able to calm down here. The sign asking clients to take off shoes confirmed… this was a safe space to relax.

Acupuncture Denver was recommended to me by a friend who was trying to conceive and after a couple months of working with Jane at Acupuncture Denver became pregnant. I know that acupuncture won’t be the reason we get pregnant, but I believe it can help a body function well and become realigned.

I had been corresponding with Jane since February through email so to meet her in person was a delight. She took 30 minutes to hear my story. Her questions about PCOS and the various medications I have tried confirmed that she knew a lot of fertility and PCOS.

Then she dropped the bomb.

“I wonder if you have symptoms of PCOS but since no cysts were seen on your ultra sound, you may have something with your hypothyroid. I’d have to see your blood work to confirm.”

Wait… what? I’ve been around and around about this with doctors and I was really happy to know what it is that causes me to be “abnormal”. Not to mention, I was on thyroid medication for a few years and nothing changed, so what is this all about?

Frustrated and perplexed I laid down on the table, face down.

Jane applied the needles along my back and in my legs. My head was full of questions and worry that my doctor is operating on the assumption that I have PCOS, what if I’m not getting pregnant because it’s really something else? And that mass of a cyst that they saw outside of my uterus on the ultra sound, what is that?

No time to worry about this all now as I wanted to pray into the acupuncture treatment and let go of all the concerns of the unknowns.

Later this week, I got an email from Jane who had reviewed my blood work. She confirmed that the numbers do not point towards PCOS. It seems as though my AMH is at a good (but not high like in PCOS) level, my FSH and LH ratio is perfect and my other labs are totally normal too (like androgens). So she’s thinking it might be a mild hypothalamic issue. Jane recommends checking with my doctor for further analysis… so that is what Ill do.

Grateful to have people around me who know the fertility world and what to look for since I sure as heck have no idea what to do!

So what can I do now? Enjoy the journey God has us on…

Not Pregnant, please try again

It is confirmed, no period and not pregnant

I call my OBGYN and share with them the results, expecting them to put me on Provera to induce a period and start the next round of Clomid.

But wait….

“Have you had unprotected sex in the last 10 days?”- asked the nurse.

“Yes, is this a problem?”- I shared

“Well, we can’t prescribe Provera to you until you have cleared 10 days since your last unprotected sex day just to be certain that you are not pregnant.”- stated the nurse.

“Are you KIDDING ME?!” I screamed in my head.

Here we are having to wait additional days already because my body decides it doesn’t want to function correctly with a normal bleed time and NOW we have to wait 10 MORE days because I didn’t know we couldn’t have unprotected sex?  This is just about to kill me (so I think).

“Ok, Ill call again next week.”- I respond calmly.

(Conversation ends)

Small chance, but…?

Days 20-35 is the long period of days that seem years as we wait to pull out the pregnancy test.

I’m getting used to this waiting. I am not too hopeful that I am pregnant this month because I didn’t get a solid smiley face on the Ovulation stick.

There is a small chance… I don’t give the fact that the stick didn’t read a surge too much weight because two of my friends recently became pregnant without having any positive Ovulation result on a stick. So there is still hope.

What have I learned about waiting and patience through this entire journey? Well, on a lighter note, I won’t be delivering our baby/babies during my husband’s tax season, so that is a relief!

I know that Gods timing is better than anything I could have ever imagined. I also know there is a lot of life I get to live right now while I’m not pregnant. (Look for the good).

What I do question is what is “wrong” with me? Why am I not able to get pregnant? Why is my body not ovulating? Have I done something wrong that God does not want us to have babies? I don’t believe this to be true, but the thought does cross my mind.

Maybe it was my checkered past that is now punishing me for my decisions of my youth. Although I know this is false (that is not the way God works) I also can see how easily it can become a bad seed sown in my head.

I have started praying over my womb and for the babies that are to grow healthy and strong in there.

When I was single, I prayed every night for my husband. I knew that he was already born and so I prayed for him as though I knew him. For his day, his work, his friendships, his walk with God and also prayed for him to be shaped to become ready to meet me.

Why not apply this to the babies that will be inside of me? God knows these little ones and if I’m not to carry my own babies, then I can also be praying for whatever babies or children that are going to come under our roof for us to be entrusted with to grow and shape and love.

So this waiting period is actually quite full of prayers of what is to come. Hopeful and trusting in the story that is continuously being written.