Let me begin by saying this… I am EXTREMLY happy for all the people who I know are pregnant. I believe that Gods timing and plan is absolutely perfect and would never wish anything other than Gods plan for my life or anyone else’s.
I will continue to pray for the health and positive experiences for each of my friends as they walk down the road I hope to be on too.
Where I see my issues come out are when my sinful nature of jealousy, self-centeredness, and lack of trust are mixed with longing, impatience and fear.
As you can see, I’ll be the first to admit it and am quite aware of it, so as I write the following, I understand it comes from my own ‘stuff’ verses the love I have for those around me and the joy they are experiencing by growing their families.
It’s been quite trying for me this holiday season. I was extremely excited when I heard the words come out of my husbands mouth that he’s ready and wanting to look into all options for us to grow our family.
In many ways, I feel we have ben given the green light, as we are both on the same page towards growing our family.
The way my mind naturally operates though, is when I see something or think about something, I want it… now. There are instances where this is a great thing, and I’m able to push through and work hard for something…
But there are also downfalls to this intense grip I have on wanting what I want, when I want it.
I’m just being honest.
Thankfully, I have learned various tools to help me curb this quick, insatiable response towards things in life, but I know how it affects me and how much more I have to go to God and pray for his protection around my own selfish desires.
Thus, this Christmas season, as I was on Facebook (which I rarely am anymore)- I began to see the picture roll of birth announcements… baby coming in April, May, June…
My honest reaction was, ‘oh my gosh, seriously? Another one?’
As though there was something in the water and all of a sudden, everyone became pregnant.
It seemed as though my entire group of married friends announced they are pregnant.
I will admit if I was pregnant, I am sure I would be right there, doing the same. What a fun Christmas present to revel to the world! Announcing a new life is a celebration of what’s to come and renewal, hope and opportunity.
More than anything the reaction of jealousy… why them and not me? When will my time come? Will it come?
Was mixed with doubt… do I even want a child? Am I ready to be selfless and give my all to another person?
And then came the root of it all for me… the fear of missing out.
This never goes away for me, it seems.
I have had this reaction a lot growing up. Thinking everyone else is on the fast train to somewhere wonderful while I’m left here just walking along, sometimes aimlessly stumbling.
When I was single and everyone around me was getting engaged, I felt this same mixture of emotions. Jealousy that they had found ‘theirs’, fear that I never would, uncertain of the timing or who ‘he’ would be. Doubtful that there would be anyone left for me…
Mostly though, I was scared to miss out on all the opportunities these married friends were experiencing and I was the outsider looking in the window on a fabulous party, that I was not invited to.
And so again, I sit in this FOMO.
If I am not able to conceive my own child then I am scared to miss out on all the wonderful experiences women have when carrying a child. The highs and the lows associated with growing a baby. The connection a woman feels when the little one is growing inside, the kicking and the movement, the incomparable connection to a true miracle growing and changing inside another body…
Don’t get me wrong; I know this miracle comes with major discomfort, body changes, stretch marks, sickness, etc. The means of carrying a baby in their infant growth is no walk in the park, but for the opportunity to take the not so fun… with the incredible.
- The fear that I would not be apart of the “Mommy” group if I don’t experience carrying an infant and then delivering and bringing a baby into this world.
- The inadequacy I might feel for not having a body that is ‘normal’ to be able to house such wondrous miracles.
- The less than I could experience for not being able to relate to the majority of women when it comes to labor pains and childbirth. Not to mention that leverage I would not have over my child when he/she is upset and I could say, “I brought you into this world and suffered the pains for it!” (Ok I don’t really see myself saying this, but I know people who have).
- The left out feeling of not being able to experience what women are created to do with our bodies and not being able to be ‘in’ the mommy club because I didn’t carry a child and deliver.
Now I am very well aware that these are just the fears, the uncertainties, and the hypothetical feelings of what could happen if…
The reality is, I am not sure these are really necessary to entertain because I am not 100% certain that I won’t be able to carry my own child.
There is a very real possibility that all this thinking and now typing could be for nothing if by God’s miracle I’m able to conceive and carry. Which is why I’m not dwelling too much on this… and in fact am grateful for the process of my feelings.
So what do I do…
- I get into gratitude about all the things I DO have in my life.
- I write down all the things God has blessed us with and I thank God for all the wonderful opportunities we have to experience TODAY.
- I let myself become aware of my feelings as I react to another friends’ birth-announcement.
- I trust that I am right where I am supposed to be, today.
- Pray for God’s will and His timing and for my thoughts and wants to be aligned with his.
As I scroll Facebook and see all the exciting announcements of the new generation to come in 2017… I am scared to miss out on the opportunity to experience what I believe all these happy faces and pictures lead me to think.
Yet with recognition of my feelings I am hopeful and trusting that everyone has a story to live out, and this is just mine.
Looking forward to seeing how God is going to work this one out for us!