infertility

Wiping Tears

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

This week started out hopeful. After 10 days of the mega dose of Letrozole, I’m feeling as though there will be lots of little black circles staring at me on the ultrasound screen. I went to my OBGYN for the follicle check and there we have it folks, bundles of black circles! We have follicles!

None of them are large enough to force an ovulation so they put me on a low dose of Letrozole for 2 more days and ask me to return.

Two days later, I am hopeful there has been growth. Yet, when she checked, it was only slight. Take two more days of low dose Letrozole and return. The nurse also talked with us about planning for an Inter Uterine Insemination (IUI) a few days after this next check. An IUI involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus, by way of a catheter, to facilitate fertilization. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization. To me, it’s like a turkey baster, squirting those swimmers up nice and close to where the egg should be.

I am getting excited and hopeful that my body is getting ready for this next step!

Here I am 2 days later, and I can’t believe that the follicles have decreased and my lining has thinned out.

What’s wrong with me that I can’t produce what I need to?

Why is this happening to me?
I have been concentrating so hard on eating the foods people say to eat, not working out too much, but still getting my blood going and circulation throughout my system. I have been napping almost every other day and taking things slow. Reading has become my new hobby and praying that God will bring us a miracle.

My eyes are leaking.c0224595b355ac7bc4b6c1b73cf08ad4--crying-eyes-sad-eyes.jpg

I can’t stop the overwhelm of emotion and the tightness in my chest.

I am just so sad that this is so hard for us.

Why God? What are you doing in this?

How am I supposed to learn from this and when will I grow stronger?

Isn’t that what people always say. It’s through the trials and hardships- the storms of life- that resilience and character are refined.

I’m all about learning life lessons, so what is this all about? Patience? Learning that I don’t always get what I want? Believing there is a bigger picture?

The pain is so strong; it overcomes my thoughts like a wave crashing over the rocks.

I have to let my tears roll down my face. No use trying to stop them.

I just want this pain and heartache to be over.

Why can’t we just get pregnant? Why does this have to be so hard?

I don’t know how many more cycles I can go through. This is hard on my body and my emotions.

I don’t want to give up now out of fear that we are quitting too early in the process.

I really thought this time would work. We amped up the dose of medication and the days that I was to take them, how could my follicles not have grown?

I just don’t understand and trying to make sense of any of it is too exhausting.

Tonight, I have to accept what is. There is no other way around it. I can’t change it.

I pray our doctor is learning more about my body through this and I also pray that I might see God and how he is working in and through me with this heartache.

As I have been writing, I get a call. “CCRM”.

Hello, I answer.

Hi, this is Gina from CCRM. I have some next steps for you.

“What?” I’m thinking. I thought we have missed the chance for this go around.

We are going to have you do 3 more days of Letrozole at the highest dose and have you check through an Ultrasound in 4 days.

I am relieved, overjoyed. This cycle is not too late!

I go skipping to the pharmacy to pick up the medication.

We are still in the game!

Reaching a New Level

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

We aren’t messing around anymore.

These past two rounds have been insightful for Dr. G. and he is ready to pull out the big guns.

We begin 10 days of Letrozole, at 10mg/day, the highest dose he will prescribe.

I am actually a little excited at the possibility of what this will produce.

Let’s get these follicles growing!

Each cycle has become such a routine that I have grown accustomed to.

Day one, make an appointment with my OBGYN for an ultrasound.

Head to the local LabCorp and get a blood test to confirm I am not pregnant.

Pop into my OBGYN for the ultrasound, ensuring there is nothing funky growing inside of me from all the hormones and measure the uterine lining.

Check, check.

Day three, begin Letrozol.

Days three through twelve, endure breaking out, early bedtimes, afternoon naps.

Day twelve, follicle check and see what next steps are to be.

Learning how to take care of myself on a new level.

I am going to the gym this time around. I need to. My mind needs the oxygen and release of tension. My muscles need the weight and attention.

At the start of this cycle, I receive news that one of my closest, dearest friends is pregnant. I am overjoyed. My body exudes love and excitement for her.

I have no sorrow. Only joy and praise for the opportunity they have received to raise a little one.

My heart is shifting. I am not looking at myself. I do not have the heavy heart as I have experienced in the past. My excitement and praise for God’s miracle growing inside of her are overflowing.

What is going on? I love that this is how I feel.lightnessofbeing-2015-Dec16-300x189.jpg

I meet the new little baby girl of another friend. I get to hold her and express my excitement and joy for her to my friend.

Am I changing? What is shifting inside of me? Whatever it is, I really like it.

God, thank you for giving me this part of the journey to refine and grow me.

My rough edges are being smoothed and I trust how you are reshaping my heart and mind.

Continue to use this to make me a better person, a more loving friend, and a more faithful, trusting person is who you are and what you’re capable of, God.

I thank you for this heartache and let down as it’s shaping my journey so far.

So excited to see what you’re going to do in and through this!

May I be a vessel or light to reach others. God, use me and my story to help others.

Shades of Pink

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

I am so sad. My tears won’t stop flowing and I can’t tell which emotions are causing which tears.

Yesterday afternoon, I began to feel a little ‘sensation’ down there and I thought it was strange. When I checked, there were clear, pink and brown colors on the tissue and then came a little bit of cramping. What is this?

Am I getting my period? I am so confused.

Five days ago, my progesterone levels were checked, all good!

Praise God, no need for medication this week.

Dr. said we should test in 7 days.

Roger that!

I have been gaining a couple of pounds (intentionally) to try and encourage healthy growth of this little bean and also not hitting the gym as I usually do.

By nightfall, I have felt sluggish and exhausted as though the minute I closed my eyes, I would fall into a deep slumber.

My body was roasting at night and I would kick off covers. There were a few nights of restless sleep.

Strange for me. I am notorious for my deep, long sleeping patterns. In fact, most people are envious of my ability to sleep anytime, anywhere.

What’s up?

Am I pregnant?

That would explain a lot of this.

The LONG dreaded wait of 2 weeks between ovulation and HCG surge indicating the potential pregnancy.

I won’t be making the same mistake as a few cycles back where we tested too early and the pregnancy tests picked up the remanences of the HCG trigger shot.

Seven days it is… we wait.

Here we are, back at 2 days before we are supposed to test and I am Google searching implantation bleeding… is this it?

Possibly!

It’s described as 10-12 days after ovulation (today is day 13) and masks itself like a period with bleeding and cramping.

I actually might be pregnant.

Eek!

I take a cheapo pregnancy test.

One line.

BUGGER!

But you know what, this might just be too early to tell. It takes a few days for the hormone levels to rise after implantation so if this is actually implantation bleeding, it wouldn’t show up on a test.

There’s still a chance?!

Ok, don’t get your hopes up. Stay calm and patient as you wait 2 more days… then you’ll know for sure.

I woke up this morning and I continue to bleed.

My cramping is worst than yesterday and I begin to think this might be a period instead.

I do the math… today is 34 days since I began taking the Letrozole so even though I had a late ovulation, this would be in line with an elongated period cycle.

It actually just might be a period.

I am torn.

What do I believe?

Is this a period or is it implantation bleeding?

Why can’t someone give me an answer?

I must wait until tomorrow to take the test.

Dr G said to call with results and he would guide from there.

I don’t want to have to go through another round of tests and ultrasounds and medication that makes my face hurt with acne.

Oh my I feel overwhelmed with emotion.

No wonder I’m crying.

I return home from being out and get the news that some of our closest friends are pregnant.

I am thrilled for them, really.

But inside, I don’t know how to handle this. Emotions are swarming. My chest is tight.

I call to congratulate and feel the tears welling.

I quickly say my good-byes.

Why God?

This isn’t fair.

darkness.jpg

I am sorry, I feel like I have been patient and open to trusting your timing and this process. But I don’t get it?

Why can some people get pregnant after a few months and then there are people like me? Years.

 

What did I do to deserve this? Am I really that ‘bad’ of a person?

 What is wrong with me and what can I do to fix myself to be able to get pregnant?

The questions swarm my head like an agitated beehive.

I close my eyes to calm my thoughts. I breathe in, hold, and breathe out.

I know that I really didn’t DO anything wrong, but man it feels like I did.

 

It hurts to even think about the idea of needing to accept that we might not have our own biological children.

I’m not ready for that.

But how many more rounds of this am I able to tolerate?

God, I need you so much right now.

When there are no answers, I yearn for your loving support and assurance.

 

(Hilary, you’ll be okay, I have you, I know what’s best for you and I know what lies ahead. I know this is hard, I know this doesn’t make sense to you, but I know what I’m doing, do you trust me?)

Yes, I do. I trust and I have faith and I do believe that if I continue doing what’s placed in front of me then I will be on a good path in life.

Taking one step at a time.

For today, I sit here in this space of unknown.

Not overlooking the fact that if this is a period, it came on its own!

Need I remind myself that less than a year ago, I was having to take medication to force a period to occur in order to even start a new round of trying.

Today, if it is a period, I can be grateful that it happened naturally.

Truth is, I don’t know if I’m not pregnant.

I still might be, possibly.

Then I’d really feel like a doof feeling all this emotion and animosity towards God for no reason.

I just have to wait until tomorrow and see what is revealed.

Tomorrow has come and it is now today.

I don’t have a good feeling about the test.

One line.

Not pregnant.

The reality is confirmed.

I cry and feel down. I take a nap.

I wake up. Shower. Make some connections with dear friends and continue to feel my feelings.

I am sad.

I really don’t want to go through another round of this, but I will.

I have to.

It’s the only way right now.

I call my Dr.

He wants me to do a pregnancy test through a blood draw and complete an ultrasound in order to clear me for the next round of Letrozole.

This will start tomorrow.

7 days of Letrozole at 7.5mg… upping the dose a bit.

My weight is slightly up from normal and I am hoping this will help cultivate a good nesting environment this time around.

I take a walk in the sunshine. Soak in the warmth and feel Gods presence.

I am not alone.

The feelings are there and I am grateful that I can feel today.

Grateful I have a period to start a new cycle and grateful that I have the sunshine on my face.

I am alive and this brings new hope.

Third Times a Charm?

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

third-times-a-charm-293x300.jpgDay 14 Ultrasound came back hopeful!

My uterine lining is thickening (the double estrogen worked!) and there are two follicles growing inside me.

Wahoo!

I was so nervous because I haven’t had much luck with the ovulation predictor kits. In the past cycles, I have at least seen a blinking smiley face, this time it was just an empty circle… starring at me. No emotion.

I was scared to think there wasn’t any activity going on inside me.

One of the follicles measured 18 and the other 25!

The doctor didn’t hesitate to recommend a high-dose HCG shot to force ovulation.

A pleasant change from the drawn-out pre-ovulation period.

Almost immediately after getting the shot, the ovulation predictor kit produced a solid smiley face. I haven’t been able to learn if this means I am ovulating or if it’s just picking up on the high level of HCG but we are leaning more on the cautious side and covering our bases… or maybe Hubby is using it as an excuse 🙂

How am I feeling this time around, you ask?

Well, I am hopefully… scared.

I don’t want to have another let down like last month and so I’m not putting too much excitement at the possibility of becoming pregnant and I also want to stay positive and hopeful of things to come to keep my emotions level.

This is my fourth round of Clomid, the third successful round of follicle growth/ovulation… third times a charm?

In the midst of this, I continue to have stomach problems. Going off all the supplements (calcium, Vit B, Inositol, NAC, pre-natal…) has helped but I fear not getting the nutrients that are necessary for a healthy baby. Listening to my body and trusting that I need to take care of myself in this way first.

I’m taking heartburn medication and IBS pills because the doctor isn’t quite sure what’s happening inside of me. I wonder if it’s all connected to the hormonal changes.

Keeping my stress down, I am practicing praying, journaling and light exercise on a regular basis. God, your will be done. Help me trust in you and surrender to what you have for me.

The three-week wait begins…

Trigger Shot

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

Day 15
In hopeful anticipation, we go in for another ultrasound to see what’s going on. The technician entertains our questions about follicles and eggs. I will admit I don’t remember much from the reproduction section of my health class over 20 years ago so it was insightful to learn more about what’s going on inside my body.

I do remember that each female is born with all the eggs they will have in their lifetime. So I was unsure of what role a follicle plays.

Apparently, follicles grow inside the ovary and house 1 egg each. They are to grow to be over 18cm before they break and the egg is released into the fallopian tube which is ovulation. Typically only one follicle will ‘break’ and the remaining will die away, with the egg never to be used again.

Some follicles won’t have an egg inside and there is no way of knowing one way or the other if someone doesn’t become pregnant.

In the case of using Clomid, multiple follicles can grow over 18cm and break and release eggs, which is why the possibility of multiple births increases.

On my ultrasound, there was the 1 follicle outside of my ovary (which the doctor is not concerned about. Apparently, many women have these ‘hanging’ follicles). In addition were 2 nice sized follicles measuring 18cm and 22cm. Wahoo!

The doctor is happy with what the ultrasound reveals so he orders a trigger shot to be given to force ovulation.

What is an HCG Trigger Shot? It is an injection of a medication called HCG, which causes the eggs to complete the maturation process.

Some people don’t produce the HCG that will induce an ovulation, which is why the Trigger Shot is so helpful. The technician told me that HCG is the same hormone that is released when one becomes pregnant and that HCG is the hormone that pregnancy tests detect, fascinating!

At 3 pm I was stuck with the needle, little did I know this would be injected in the cheek of my bottom, ouch!

We left with specific instructions: Be together 24 & 48 hours after the shot and let nature take its course… so that’s what we will do.

I won’t lie though, I find myself wanting to help nature along, such as putting myself in the best position for gravity to help the swimmers (articles say this doesn’t work) or being together more than 2x in that window (the doctor gave specific instructions NOT to have sex too often, wanting the swimmers to be strong so waiting 24 hours can help the build up).

We are both excited at the possibility of becoming pregnant. Here we could see two viable follicles that may both contain eggs that might possibly be met by swimmers. Could this be the week that the rest of our lives change?

It’s amazing to me that there is such a short window of time for one to become pregnant. Thinking about all the people who become pregnant without planning, it’s fascinating to me how this all happens.

Once the egg is released from the ovary, it lives for 12-24 hours. On top of that, it can take anywhere between 45 minutes and a couple hours for sperm to reach the fallopian tubes. This means, there needs to be sperm already in the fallopian tube region. But not just any sperm, they need to be strong so they need to be there within a few days prior.

Timing is everything, isn’t it!