Wiping Tears

This week started out hopeful. After 10 days of the mega dose of Letrozole, I’m feeling as though there will be lots of little black circles staring at me on the ultrasound screen. I went to my OBGYN for the follicle check and there we have it folks, bundles of black circles! We have follicles!

None of them are large enough to force an ovulation so they put me on a low dose of Letrozole for 2 more days and ask me to return.


Two days later, I am hopeful there has been growth. Yet, when she checked, it was only slight. Take two more days of low dose Letrozole and return. The nurse also talked with us about planning for an Inter Uterine Insemination (IUI) a few days after this next check. An IUI involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus, by way of a catheter, to facilitate fertilization. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization. To me, it’s like a turkey baster, squirting those swimmers up nice and close to where the egg should be.

I am getting excited and hopeful that my body is getting ready for this next step!


Here I am 2 days later, and I can’t believe that the follicles have decreased and my lining has thinned out.

What’s wrong with me that I can’t produce what I need to?

Why is this happening to me?
I have been concentrating so hard on eating the foods people say to eat, not working out too much, but still getting my blood going and circulation throughout my system. I have been napping almost every other day and taking things slow. Reading has become my new hobby and praying that God will bring us a miracle.

My eyes are leaking.c0224595b355ac7bc4b6c1b73cf08ad4--crying-eyes-sad-eyes.jpg

I can’t stop the overwhelm of emotion and the tightness in my chest.

I am just so sad that this is so hard for us.

Why God? What are you doing in this?

How am I supposed to learn from this and when will I grow stronger?

Isn’t that what people always say. It’s through the trials and hardships- the storms of life- that resilience and character are refined.

I’m all about learning life lessons, so what is this all about? Patience? Learning that I don’t always get what I want? Believing there is a bigger picture?

The pain is so strong; it overcomes my thoughts like a wave crashing over the rocks.

I have to let my tears roll down my face. No use trying to stop them.

I just want this pain and heartache to be over.

Why can’t we just get pregnant? Why does this have to be so hard?

I don’t know how many more cycles I can go through. This is hard on my body and my emotions.

I don’t want to give up now out of fear that we are quitting too early in the process.

I really thought this time would work. We amped up the dose of medication and the days that I was to take them, how could my follicles not have grown?

I just don’t understand and trying to make sense of any of it is too exhausting.

Tonight, I have to accept what is. There is no other way around it. I can’t change it.

I pray our doctor is learning more about my body through this and I also pray that I might see God and how he is working in and through me with this heartache.

As I have been writing, I get a call. “CCRM”.

Hello, I answer.

Hi, this is Gina from CCRM. I have some next steps for you.

“What?” I’m thinking. I thought we have missed the chance for this go around.

We are going to have you do 3 more days of Letrozole at the highest dose and have you check through an Ultrasound in 4 days.

I am relieved, overjoyed. This cycle is not too late!

I go skipping to the pharmacy to pick up the medication.

We are still in the game!

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