Shades of Pink

I am so sad. My tears won’t stop flowing and I can’t tell which emotions are causing which tears.

Yesterday afternoon, I began to feel a little ‘sensation’ down there and I thought it was strange. When I checked, there were clear, pink and brown colors on the tissue and then came a little bit of cramping. What is this?

Am I getting my period? I am so confused.


Five days ago, my progesterone levels were checked, all good!

Praise God, no need for medication this week.

Dr. said we should test in 7 days.

Roger that!

I have been gaining a couple of pounds (intentionally) to try and encourage healthy growth of this little bean and also not hitting the gym as I usually do.

By nightfall, I have felt sluggish and exhausted as though the minute I closed my eyes, I would fall into a deep slumber.

My body was roasting at night and I would kick off covers. There were a few nights of restless sleep.

Strange for me. I am notorious for my deep, long sleeping patterns. In fact, most people are envious of my ability to sleep anytime, anywhere.

What’s up?

Am I pregnant?

That would explain a lot of this.

The LONG dreaded wait of 2 weeks between ovulation and HCG surge indicating the potential pregnancy.

I won’t be making the same mistake as a few cycles back where we tested too early and the pregnancy tests picked up the remanences of the HCG trigger shot.

Seven days it is… we wait.


Here we are, back at 2 days before we are supposed to test and I am Google searching implantation bleeding… is this it?

Possibly!

It’s described as 10-12 days after ovulation (today is day 13) and masks itself like a period with bleeding and cramping.

I actually might be pregnant.

Eek!

I take a cheapo pregnancy test.

One line.

BUGGER!

But you know what, this might just be too early to tell. It takes a few days for the hormone levels to rise after implantation so if this is actually implantation bleeding, it wouldn’t show up on a test.

There’s still a chance?!

Ok, don’t get your hopes up. Stay calm and patient as you wait 2 more days… then you’ll know for sure.


I woke up this morning and I continue to bleed.

My cramping is worst than yesterday and I begin to think this might be a period instead.

I do the math… today is 34 days since I began taking the Letrozole so even though I had a late ovulation, this would be in line with an elongated period cycle.

It actually just might be a period.

I am torn.

What do I believe?

Is this a period or is it implantation bleeding?

Why can’t someone give me an answer?

I must wait until tomorrow to take the test.

Dr G said to call with results and he would guide from there.

I don’t want to have to go through another round of tests and ultrasounds and medication that makes my face hurt with acne.

Oh my I feel overwhelmed with emotion.

No wonder I’m crying.

I return home from being out and get the news that some of our closest friends are pregnant.

I am thrilled for them, really.

But inside, I don’t know how to handle this. Emotions are swarming. My chest is tight.

I call to congratulate and feel the tears welling.

I quickly say my good-byes.

Why God?

This isn’t fair.

darkness.jpg

I am sorry, I feel like I have been patient and open to trusting your timing and this process. But I don’t get it?

Why can some people get pregnant after a few months and then there are people like me? Years.

 

What did I do to deserve this? Am I really that ‘bad’ of a person?

 What is wrong with me and what can I do to fix myself to be able to get pregnant?

The questions swarm my head like an agitated beehive.

I close my eyes to calm my thoughts. I breathe in, hold, and breathe out.

I know that I really didn’t DO anything wrong, but man it feels like I did.

 

It hurts to even think about the idea of needing to accept that we might not have our own biological children.

I’m not ready for that.

But how many more rounds of this am I able to tolerate?

God, I need you so much right now.

When there are no answers, I yearn for your loving support and assurance.

 

(Hilary, you’ll be okay, I have you, I know what’s best for you and I know what lies ahead. I know this is hard, I know this doesn’t make sense to you, but I know what I’m doing, do you trust me?)

Yes, I do. I trust and I have faith and I do believe that if I continue doing what’s placed in front of me then I will be on a good path in life.

Taking one step at a time.

For today, I sit here in this space of unknown.

Not overlooking the fact that if this is a period, it came on its own!

Need I remind myself that less than a year ago, I was having to take medication to force a period to occur in order to even start a new round of trying.

Today, if it is a period, I can be grateful that it happened naturally.

Truth is, I don’t know if I’m not pregnant.

I still might be, possibly.

Then I’d really feel like a doof feeling all this emotion and animosity towards God for no reason.

I just have to wait until tomorrow and see what is revealed.


Tomorrow has come and it is now today.

I don’t have a good feeling about the test.

One line.

Not pregnant.

The reality is confirmed.

I cry and feel down. I take a nap.

I wake up. Shower. Make some connections with dear friends and continue to feel my feelings.

I am sad.

I really don’t want to go through another round of this, but I will.

I have to.

It’s the only way right now.

I call my Dr.

He wants me to do a pregnancy test through a blood draw and complete an ultrasound in order to clear me for the next round of Letrozole.

This will start tomorrow.

7 days of Letrozole at 7.5mg… upping the dose a bit.

My weight is slightly up from normal and I am hoping this will help cultivate a good nesting environment this time around.

I take a walk in the sunshine. Soak in the warmth and feel Gods presence.

I am not alone.

The feelings are there and I am grateful that I can feel today.

Grateful I have a period to start a new cycle and grateful that I have the sunshine on my face.

I am alive and this brings new hope.

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