It’s been a month of healing for me. Not having to think about my body being in the tip-top condition for a life to begin, I worked out as much as I wanted and enjoyed being fully present with my current status in life.
There was a second about 2 weeks into this month where I pondered tracking and trying to get pregnant, but quickly let that thought go as I’m exhausted.
It’s been tiring tracking and plotting, waiting and hoping.
I am amazed that we are over a year into this fertility journey of medication and doctors manipulating my body and cycle for optimum results.
I really didn’t think I would be here, still.
When I was 16, my OBGYN said it would be a long road to become pregnant, but I certainly didn’t expect this.
Call it my eternal sunshine, but I can’t help but have hope that God will work a miracle in our lives.
I choose to believe that he is continuing to write an incredible story that will show his love and provision. Not to mention, that he is using this to teach me about his faithfulness and all-knowing nature.
Am I ready to move on?
The thought has crossed my mind many times.
We have prayed and shown up for all the fertility options given by our doctors.
This past round, my girlfriends spent time intentionally praying for God’s will to be done. Tears streamed down my face as they surrounded me in prayer and love.
I really believed that it was possible that we would be pregnant.
When the pregnancy test was negative, I felt a sort of calm, knowing God had answered—Not Now.
So, where does this leave us?
I don’t think I want to continue with medicated cycles.
Actually, I know I don’t want to (it’s just scary to write that because I am scared to let go of the only way I have control over getting pregnant)
What? That doesn’t make sense. I have been doing this for a long enough time to know that I don’t have control over getting pregnant, regardless how much I try… and yet, there is some part of my brain that still thinks that my decision to take medication means I will get pregnant.
Have I placed too much of my hope in medicine and not enough in the power of nature?
In my depths, I know I’m ready to move on from medicated cycles.
So, where do we go from here?
Am I to move onto adoption and put the desires of my heart in having my own bio kids aside for now?
Hubby and I looked into a couple of adoption options. We had some interviews with international agencies. I met with a girlfriend who was just matched after 18 months of waiting for a domestic adoption.
I guess I’m ready to move on?
I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right, yet.
Adoption will be a part of our story, at least I think it will. But is there another way to have our own bio kids?
IVF stares at me.
I have friends who have gone and are going, through it.
Their insurance covers some of it.
In fact, if we were to go down the road of IVF, we would have to look for new insurance coverage because the one we are on would not cover an IVF pregnancy.
Long story there.
When it comes to IVF though, there are numerous stories- many successful, some not.
The price is astounding for me.
We begin to do our research… all options near and far.
We have looked into International IVF- learning that the clinics in Barbados, Mexico, Czech, Spain, and Israel are pretty reputable.
The cost is much less, which is easier to stomach and in fact, the prices quoted are less than what we have spent this past year on the medicated cycles.
It seems like such a big decision.
Traveling to another country is a bit daunting to me for this type of procedure. In fact, it’s almost turning me off, thinking the issues wrapped up with the travel piece is not worth it for me. The timing has to be perfect and there are a few unknown factors that I would hate to miss.
Imagine- flying across the border, or the Atlantic, just to learn that there weren’t enough eggs to pull, or there weren’t enough viable embryos to use. What would we do? Fly back to the States, and rebook a trip the following month to fly back across the Pond in hopes that the next time is better?
I don’t know. This one is a little more of a decision that might take some getting used to, not to mention a major nudge confirming this is the right next step.
We will continue to research options and find the right fit for this step.