Those darn smiley faces just don’t want to show up this week. I am beginning to question if my body has the ability to produce the right hormones to get pregnant. I’m beginning to question a lot about my body and the “ifs” of this process.

Today will be my first ultrasound to see what the Clomid was able to produce.

Sadly, I’m not feeling too hopeful about this round. Especially now as I don’t have any sign of an increase in the HCG hormone. What if there aren’t any viable follicles? I still feel pretty defeated by the news from my doctor that she may not be able to help much longer.

I don’t want to have to do more fertility… spend more money. Why doesn’t this come naturally? I’m feeling bad about my reality and wishing this isn’t my story.

What did I do to my body that made me this way?

I also feel pretty bad for my hubby. He desires a baby too and I feel I’m the problem that’s preventing us from getting pregnant.

As we look to fertility clinics, the question is, how much do we want to spend on trying to have our own biological baby? At what point, will we decide it’s just too much money for the gamble? I wish fertility treatments weren’t so expensive. For something that happens to people at no cost at all, it makes me upset that it is so expensive.

I really don’t want money to be the main concern I have for bringing a baby into this world, but does it really have to be this hard? Is it supposed to be this hard? Or am I forcing something to happen that is not supposed to?

Is this God’s way of saying that I’m not supposed to have my own babies? Or maybe He’s wanting me to stop all this fertility ‘assistance’ and let him work in my life to give us a true miracle.

Either way, this is my last round of Clomid. I need to put this down for a while until my heart is in a better place.

I am still going to go through the emotions of this week… with a very low expectant heart. It’s hard to accept Gods plan when it’s different than what I thought it would be.

My defensive wall builds up in these moments. I begin to ask myself, do I really want to have a baby right now though? I am loving my quiet mornings, space I get to write and be with my thoughts for extended periods of time. How I get to spend time and attention on my marriage and growing in my relationship with Hubby. Having a baby would disrupt my world, am I ready for that? Do I want that? I know I do want a family and want to raise little humans. So how can I be hopeful that it will happen, and accepting that it’s not my present reality? That my life is pretty darn good without a baby and having a baby won’t make my life more amazing (well, maybe it will), it will just make my life experiences different than they are right now.

Oh to let go and just trust.

I take a deep breath and just soak in the space of where I am right now. Acceptance is always the key… so how can I be focused on what I am grateful for, in this moment? If I truly believe in God’s amazing plan, I can take my hands off this wheel and just sit back and enjoy the ride.

God will take me to where I am to go in this world.