Patience in the Wait

Patience-is-a-Virtue.jpgToday is 15 days after my projected Ovulation day. Typically, women begin their period 14 days after Ovulation, that is what is called the Luteal phase of a cycle. I am trying not to get my hopes up that this means I’m pregnant, but time seems to have slowed down as we wait a few more days before testing for pregnancy. I don’t want to have another false positive and feel the hopeful anticipation boiling up inside of me.

I am praying that I don’t get a period and am scared to see my hopes crushed. I don’t want to have that deflating feeling again. At least at this moment in my life, there is a possibility that we are pregnant. As soon as I see signs of a period, that hope for this round goes away. I won’t want to lose hope.

Trying not to analyze every feeling I am having in my body as being an early sign of pregnancy. I’m more tired, my boobs are sore, I have a bit of back pain… could go either way.

God help me trust you. If I do get my period, it doesn’t mean that the possibilities to become pregnant or have a baby or grow a family goes away. It means you have a better timeframe than I do and I can’t do anything about it but accept it and trust you.

The fear of letting go of my timeframe is that I don’t know what it will look like. The unknown can be uncomfortable because I don’t know how to prepare for it. Controlling the schedule and the process gives me a false sense of assurance that I will be ok and that I will know how to handle the situations when they come.

I am scared of being caught off guard and having things happen that hurt the very depths of my being. One of my greatest fears that I try to protect myself against is the gut-wrenching anguish and sorrow of loss and depression. How do I balance having hope without getting too vulnerable to the trials in life? Is it an option to live this life and experience all the joys and highs without also feeling the sorrows and lows? I don’t want to numb myself out of the world completely, I just want to protect myself from being hurt.

I could stop trying for a baby, but that would be me walking away from a desire I have deep in my heart. I have to throw my hat in the ring in order to have a shot at the prize. It’s just so scary to show up to life when the elements of the day can be so unknown. God help protect me from the things I cannot see or do not know.

OB Can’t Help :(

Two weeks and counting began yesterday(ish) as I’m not quite sure when I ovulated. The pressure and pain in my lower abdomen that started 2 days ago finally has subsided as has a pounding headache. Both are said to be side effects of the HCG shot.

I feel different this time around. Although I do believe we could be pregnant, I am not as attached to knowing. Might it be the protection of my heart to not engage in the hopes and what if’s of the unknown, instead to practice being present today?

The OB recommended us to check out fertility clinics as they can’t help us anymore. We have decided to make a consult appointment with CCRM, a highly reputable fertility clinic in the US. We are fortunate to have them down the road as I have had friends who have flown in from different states to attend the CCRM clinic. Colorado-topLogo.png

A few of my friends have been going to CCRM and have shared their most favorite doctors, and I am looking forward to hearing what plan is laid out for us for next steps.

Might this be the reason I feel such peace about these next few weeks? Knowing that there is a path and next steps, giving me hope that this is not all that we have to rest on, that in fact there are many more options to try?

Hope in what is possible. Knowing that we are all on a journey and there are good things to be revealed. I don’t think I could handle all the amazing blessings and gifts of a lifetime all in one day. It’s better to spread them out. Practicing enjoying each blessing and gift to the fullest before the next comes along.

Today, I choose to enjoy and to soak in the life I get to live in this moment. To remain hopeful of what our story is to reveal.

Keeping Expectations Low to Protect My Heart

download.jpgThose darn smiley faces just don’t want to show up this week. I am beginning to question if my body has the ability to produce the right hormones to get pregnant. I’m beginning to question a lot about my body and the “ifs” of this process.

Today will be my first ultrasound to see what the Clomid was able to produce.

Sadly, I’m not feeling too hopeful about this round. Especially now as I don’t have any sign of an increase in the HCG hormone. What if there aren’t any viable follicles? I still feel pretty defeated by the news from my doctor that she may not be able to help much longer.

I don’t want to have to do more fertility… spend more money. Why doesn’t this come naturally? I’m feeling bad about my reality and wishing this isn’t my story.

What did I do to my body that made me this way?

I also feel pretty bad for my hubby. He desires a baby too and I feel I’m the problem that’s preventing us from getting pregnant.

As we look to fertility clinics, the question is, how much do we want to spend on trying to have our own biological baby? At what point, will we decide it’s just too much money for the gamble? I wish fertility treatments weren’t so expensive. For something that happens to people at no cost at all, it makes me upset that it is so expensive.

I really don’t want money to be the main concern I have for bringing a baby into this world, but does it really have to be this hard? Is it supposed to be this hard? Or am I forcing something to happen that is not supposed to?

Is this God’s way of saying that I’m not supposed to have my own babies? Or maybe He’s wanting me to stop all this fertility ‘assistance’ and let him work in my life to give us a true miracle.

Either way, this is my last round of Clomid. I need to put this down for a while until my heart is in a better place.

I am still going to go through the emotions of this week… with a very low expectant heart. It’s hard to accept Gods plan when it’s different than what I thought it would be.

My defensive wall builds up in these moments. I begin to ask myself, do I really want to have a baby right now though? I am loving my quiet mornings, space I get to write and be with my thoughts for extended periods of time. How I get to spend time and attention on my marriage and growing in my relationship with Hubby. Having a baby would disrupt my world, am I ready for that? Do I want that? I know I do want a family and want to raise little humans. So how can I be hopeful that it will happen, and accepting that it’s not my present reality? That my life is pretty darn good without a baby and having a baby won’t make my life more amazing (well, maybe it will), it will just make my life experiences different than they are right now.

Oh to let go and just trust.

I take a deep breath and just soak in the space of where I am right now. Acceptance is always the key… so how can I be focused on what I am grateful for, in this moment? If I truly believe in God’s amazing plan, I can take my hands off this wheel and just sit back and enjoy the ride.

God will take me to where I am to go in this world.

Another Opportunity

I am sad. I felt really good about this last cycle. Hope… shattered.

I am not pregnant after another month of trying. The blood test came back negative to confirm the results. My heart is broken. I thought after last week’s positive that there was still a chance, but the phone call with the nurse who got right to the point ended those hopes pretty quickly.

So another month of trying is ahead of us and although I want to be positive, I find myself becoming a little frustrated. I really thought that the sickness was related to pregnancy and was getting hopeful, turns out the doctors aren’t sure what that was- could have been heartburn or a bug.

What’s even more frustrating is that I don’t have a period to even start the process of the next cycle. I limited my working out this week in hopes of alleviating stress on my body and there is still nothing to show for it.

After waiting a week after my expected period, the doctors want to put me on Provera to force a period. I am grateful there is a medication that will do this sort of thing, but I can’t help but be a little bitter that my body is not responding naturally. Plus the fact that we will have to wait another 10 days (at least) before my period will begin.

The doctor says to give it 2 weeks after the period to even start a period. My track record has been that my body responds pretty quickly after ending the 10-day Provera cycle, praying this is the case again.


God, what are you doing? I don’t understand your plan and am trying to believe in what you have is good for us. I don’t want to lose hope, lose faith in your goodness. It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

I don’t understand your plan and am trying to believe in what you have is good for us. I don’t want to lose hope, lose faith in your goodness. It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

Just as when I was single, I couldn’t force a marriage to happen and couldn’t make a husband appear. I just had to wait while still living my life as it presented itself to me in that moment and trust that you had a good partner for me and that you would introduce him to me in your perfect timing. You know what? You did and I am so grateful for the wait to meeting my hubby so I can take that experience and apply it to my emotions today.

I will trust you, God. I choose to, at least for today. Comfort my heart as I accept what is, today.