It’s All About the Trust

February 20, 2018 / Hilary / Leave a comment

It’s here, finally! I have been looking forward this day (and a little worried I would start my period before this day arrived). The build-up of this day has gotten to be too great. I am enjoying being in this space of hopeful anticipation because it means there is still a possibility I am pregnant. By now, the HCG from the trigger shot should be out of my system and I am two days past the day I would start my next cycle (if I was in a normal rhythm). I have not gotten my period yet so there is a chance that when I look at the pregnancy test, I will have two lines staring back at me. If not, then I will have to accept that this is not our time and wait for next steps.

Here I go…. wish me luck!

After waiting 3 minutes, the test came back with only one line on the strip. Bummer! I even wait a couple more minutes and then checked again, still not pregnant.

My heart just sank. I was really hoping this would be the one and although am not as let down as I have been in the past, still have a sadness that I can only chalk up to be a normal reaction to an anticipated outcome.

We will not do another round of Clomid at this time. I need a break from all the hormones and we need to take my OBGYN’s recommendation to visit with a fertility specialist as being our next guided step.

The consult is in just over two weeks and I have been putting off the completion of the paperwork in hopes of a positive pregnancy test.

I begin the paperwork and have Hubby fill out his portion.

As I complete the answers, I see how incredibly healthy I am. No smoking, drinking, caffeine, drugs, mental or health history that would prevent pregnancy. From all aspects, I appear to be a healthy candidate for a successful pregnancy. I am hopeful of what these specialists might find inside of me that would be preventing pregnancy.

At this point, I really don’t care how bad the ‘thing’ is that I have going on in me, I just want to know so there can be an answer for all these empty attempts.

Maybe I won’t ever have an answer. I need to be ok with this reality too.

My goal before the consult is to get back into a healthy routine for my body. Getting lots of rest, working out consistently and continuing to eat healthily. This is what I can control.

So for the next few weeks, I will rest and take care of myself. Get into a workout routine that supports my mental health and take action on the things I can do for my body.

I will take my much-desired naps and spend time with God. I do trust him. I trust in the wait and know it will all make sense when I look back on it. I don’t know what is ahead of me in the next year of life. God does. I know that rejection is God’s protection. He knows what he’s doing and I get to sit back and trust it all will come together as it is supposed to.

Until then, I get to enjoy the life I have today. All the wonderful riches of this day. Thank you God!

Keeping Expectations Low to Protect My Heart

January 25, 2018November 13, 2017 / Hilary / 2 Comments

Those darn smiley faces just don’t want to show up this week. I am beginning to question if my body has the ability to produce the right hormones to get pregnant. I’m beginning to question a lot about my body and the “ifs” of this process.

Today will be my first ultrasound to see what the Clomid was able to produce.

Sadly, I’m not feeling too hopeful about this round. Especially now as I don’t have any sign of an increase in the HCG hormone. What if there aren’t any viable follicles? I still feel pretty defeated by the news from my doctor that she may not be able to help much longer.

I don’t want to have to do more fertility… spend more money. Why doesn’t this come naturally? I’m feeling bad about my reality and wishing this isn’t my story.

What did I do to my body that made me this way?

I also feel pretty bad for my hubby. He desires a baby too and I feel I’m the problem that’s preventing us from getting pregnant.

As we look to fertility clinics, the question is, how much do we want to spend on trying to have our own biological baby? At what point, will we decide it’s just too much money for the gamble? I wish fertility treatments weren’t so expensive. For something that happens to people at no cost at all, it makes me upset that it is so expensive.

I really don’t want money to be the main concern I have for bringing a baby into this world, but does it really have to be this hard? Is it supposed to be this hard? Or am I forcing something to happen that is not supposed to?

Is this God’s way of saying that I’m not supposed to have my own babies? Or maybe He’s wanting me to stop all this fertility ‘assistance’ and let him work in my life to give us a true miracle.

Either way, this is my last round of Clomid. I need to put this down for a while until my heart is in a better place.

I am still going to go through the emotions of this week… with a very low expectant heart. It’s hard to accept Gods plan when it’s different than what I thought it would be.

My defensive wall builds up in these moments. I begin to ask myself, do I really want to have a baby right now though? I am loving my quiet mornings, space I get to write and be with my thoughts for extended periods of time. How I get to spend time and attention on my marriage and growing in my relationship with Hubby. Having a baby would disrupt my world, am I ready for that? Do I want that? I know I do want a family and want to raise little humans. So how can I be hopeful that it will happen, and accepting that it’s not my present reality? That my life is pretty darn good without a baby and having a baby won’t make my life more amazing (well, maybe it will), it will just make my life experiences different than they are right now.

Oh to let go and just trust.

I take a deep breath and just soak in the space of where I am right now. Acceptance is always the key… so how can I be focused on what I am grateful for, in this moment? If I truly believe in God’s amazing plan, I can take my hands off this wheel and just sit back and enjoy the ride.

God will take me to where I am to go in this world.

Reality Hurts

January 16, 2018November 6, 2017 / Hilary / 2 Comments

What I thought would be a simple visit to the OBGYN with an ultrasound to clear me to start another round of Clomid (just like all the others I’ve had) turned into a dose of painful reality.

“You may want to make an appointment with the fertility clinics, we may have done all we can do at this level.”

This will be round number four of Clomid (round five if you count the first one when I didn’t have any follicle growth) and my doctor is a little more hesitant than she has been in the past.

Typically, she prescribes four to five rounds, sometimes six, before referring patients to a fertility clinic based on data that shows after three rounds, the success rate actually goes down.

Defeated

My heart is low as I have been hoping that we would get pregnant with Clomid and not need to advance to the fertility clinic world of systems where patients become just another number. I have friends who have been through and are currently patients at two of the top fertility clinics in Colorado, one is the top in the US… all report feeling as though they are just another number.

There is a desire for me to feel unique and special, as though someone truly cares about what I’ve been through and will ensure the care necessary for our success in growing a family.

I don’t want to be lumped into the group of just another person with “XYZ” diagnosis and then carted along without really being known and understood.

Fear

It costs more money to go to a fertility clinic. Is it worth the cost? Would our money be served better going towards adoption? how far are we willing to go for our own DNA into a child?

I’m scared we won’t have the money to pay for all that they are asking.

I’m scared we won’t get pregnant and I’ll have to feel the pain of accepting we won’t have our own biological child.

I’m scared it won’t work for me. Proving I’m even more broken than I have known to be.

Support

Incredible community of people I can lean on. Nothing anyone does or says really helps at this point. I don’t really want to talk about it but I also don’t want to stuff it down. There isn’t anything anyone can say or do at this point to help, except just to listen when I am feeling up to talk about it.

This type of comfort does not come from here, it needs to come from within and above.

I just need to “be” for a little. Quieting the crashing waves inside my soul, to be at peace in knowing my truth and accepting what “is” for me today.

You can find me snuggled on my couch, under a blanket with a book and journal and music in the background. I’ll come out when I’m ready.

Questions

If something is not coming to you naturally, how far do you push to make it happen? It’s been said that if It comes easy then it’s Gods will because He’s making it happen. If it’s not happening then to accept it as it is and trust that God will bring it if it’s supposed to.

So how do you know when to stop trying? Stop putting in the effort. We can do our 1%, so when does it become clear that the efforts are no longer needed?

Gratitude

There is a possibility that we won’t need to go down the fertility clinic route. I still have one round of Clomid to go before this referral takes place (possibly 2 if we can convince our doctor).

I am grateful there are fertility clinics available to go to and that I will get to be a number on the patient list. Born in a different time or in a different country, I may not have this option.

Focusing on today and the possibility of this round being ‘the one’ while praying for a healthy body, mind, and spirit through these next few weeks.

Grateful for my life as it is today. Enjoying all the moments that I DO HAVE in front of me as opposed to looking at what I want and don’t yet have. Focusing on the amazing gifts of this life.

Prayer

Seeing that I can’t force myself to become pregnant and can’t ‘do’ anything more to ‘make’ it happen, I turn to prayer. Knowing God is amazingly miraculous with His ways and can do anything, I’ve seen it. I believe in Him and trust in what his timing and plans will be for Hubby and me.

As I take the day 5 Clomid medication, I place my hands on my stomach and pray for healthy follicles and eggs to be growing inside of me. I pray for any negativity to be washed away from my body and for Hubby’s swimmers to be strong and ready when the time comes.

This I CAN do.

And really, this is all I can do.

Emotional rollercoaster

January 9, 2018 / Hilary / 2 Comments

We didn’t even have to debate how long we should wait until we take a pregnancy test. I woke up today with an achy back and knew that something was going to happen and sure enough it did! I got a period.

What a mixture of emotions. I’m not really sure how to think or feel at the moment.

I was really thinking that we were pregnant this time around and what is frustrating is we are doing EVERYTHING we are supposed to be doing to make it work and it’s not working.

What are we doing wrong or what is wrong with my body that the egg (if there is one inside these follicles we are seeing) is not meeting up with the sperm (which have said to be strong) and then implanting in the uterine lining (that I’m wearing estrogen patches for to build the thickness).

What are we missing? Why haven’t we become pregnant and how much longer do we have to go through these ups and downs.

I’m starting to question how many rounds of fertility my mind and heart can take.

Getting so hopeful and being positive for what could be this time around is helpful, but tiring. I’m tired of the letdown and the emotions that come with knowing that there is not a baby forming this month.

And there may not ever be. We won’t know that until we walk this path for a while.

I am super excited to have a period, don’t miss that. This means I don’t have to go through 10 days of Provera (progesterone) to force a period. My body is actually reacting normally right now which is positive.

Might this be the month then, if I’m reacting normally and we are on a higher dose of Clomid?

We visit the doctor this week to get checked out and decide our course of action.

Am I ready (mentally) to do another round? God, do you want us to keep trying with all the doctor interventions?

Sometimes I question if we are supposed to simply let go altogether of the medications and the doctor’s appointments and let God work his miracles completely on his own… I mean, he is powerful enough, right?

Third Times a Charm?

December 22, 2017October 30, 2017 / Hilary / Leave a comment

Day 14 Ultrasound came back hopeful!

My uterine lining is thickening (the double estrogen worked!) and there are two follicles growing inside me.

Wahoo!

I was so nervous because I haven’t had much luck with the ovulation predictor kits. In the past cycles, I have at least seen a blinking smiley face, this time it was just an empty circle… starring at me. No emotion.

I was scared to think there wasn’t any activity going on inside me.

One of the follicles measured 18 and the other 25!

The doctor didn’t hesitate to recommend a high-dose HCG shot to force ovulation.

A pleasant change from the drawn-out pre-ovulation period.

Almost immediately after getting the shot, the ovulation predictor kit produced a solid smiley face. I haven’t been able to learn if this means I am ovulating or if it’s just picking up on the high level of HCG but we are leaning more on the cautious side and covering our bases… or maybe Hubby is using it as an excuse 🙂

How am I feeling this time around, you ask?

Well, I am hopefully… scared.

I don’t want to have another let down like last month and so I’m not putting too much excitement at the possibility of becoming pregnant and I also want to stay positive and hopeful of things to come to keep my emotions level.

This is my fourth round of Clomid, the third successful round of follicle growth/ovulation… third times a charm?

In the midst of this, I continue to have stomach problems. Going off all the supplements (calcium, Vit B, Inositol, NAC, pre-natal…) has helped but I fear not getting the nutrients that are necessary for a healthy baby. Listening to my body and trusting that I need to take care of myself in this way first.

I’m taking heartburn medication and IBS pills because the doctor isn’t quite sure what’s happening inside of me. I wonder if it’s all connected to the hormonal changes.

Keeping my stress down, I am practicing praying, journaling and light exercise on a regular basis. God, your will be done. Help me trust in you and surrender to what you have for me.

The three-week wait begins…