Reality Hurts

sadness-07.jpgWhat I thought would be a simple visit to the OBGYN with an ultrasound to clear me to start another round of Clomid (just like all the others I’ve had) turned into a dose of painful reality.

“You may want to make an appointment with the fertility clinics, we may have done all we can do at this level.”

This will be round number four of Clomid (round five if you count the first one when I didn’t have any follicle growth) and my doctor is a little more hesitant than she has been in the past.

Typically, she prescribes four to five rounds, sometimes six, before referring patients to a fertility clinic based on data that shows after three rounds, the success rate actually goes down.

Defeated

My heart is low as I have been hoping that we would get pregnant with Clomid and not need to advance to the fertility clinic world of systems where patients become just another number. I have friends who have been through and are currently patients at two of the top fertility clinics in Colorado, one is the top in the US… all report feeling as though they are just another number.

There is a desire for me to feel unique and special, as though someone truly cares about what I’ve been through and will ensure the care necessary for our success in growing a family.

I don’t want to be lumped into the group of just another person with “XYZ” diagnosis and then carted along without really being known and understood.

Fear

It costs more money to go to a fertility clinic. Is it worth the cost? Would our money be served better going towards adoption? how far are we willing to go for our own DNA into a child?

I’m scared we won’t have the money to pay for all that they are asking.

I’m scared we won’t get pregnant and I’ll have to feel the pain of accepting we won’t have our own biological child.

I’m scared it won’t work for me. Proving I’m even more broken than I have known to be.

Support

Incredible community of people I can lean on. Nothing anyone does or says really helps at this point. I don’t really want to talk about it but I also don’t want to stuff it down. There isn’t anything anyone can say or do at this point to help, except just to listen when I am feeling up to talk about it.

This type of comfort does not come from here, it needs to come from within and above.

I just need to “be” for a little. Quieting the crashing waves inside my soul, to be at peace in knowing my truth and accepting what “is” for me today.

You can find me snuggled on my couch, under a blanket with a book and journal and music in the background. I’ll come out when I’m ready.

Questions

If something is not coming to you naturally, how far do you push to make it happen? It’s been said that if It comes easy then it’s Gods will because He’s making it happen. If it’s not happening then to accept it as it is and trust that God will bring it if it’s supposed to.

So how do you know when to stop trying? Stop putting in the effort. We can do our 1%, so when does it become clear that the efforts are no longer needed?

Gratitude

There is a possibility that we won’t need to go down the fertility clinic route. I still have one round of Clomid to go before this referral takes place (possibly 2 if we can convince our doctor).

I am grateful there are fertility clinics available to go to and that I will get to be a number on the patient list. Born in a different time or in a different country, I may not have this option.

Focusing on today and the possibility of this round being ‘the one’ while praying for a healthy body, mind, and spirit through these next few weeks.

Grateful for my life as it is today. Enjoying all the moments that I DO HAVE in front of me as opposed to looking at what I want and don’t yet have. Focusing on the amazing gifts of this life.

Prayer

Seeing that I can’t force myself to become pregnant and can’t ‘do’ anything more to ‘make’ it happen, I turn to prayer. Knowing God is amazingly miraculous with His ways and can do anything, I’ve seen it. I believe in Him and trust in what his timing and plans will be for Hubby and me.

As I take the day 5 Clomid medication, I place my hands on my stomach and pray for healthy follicles and eggs to be growing inside of me. I pray for any negativity to be washed away from my body and for Hubby’s swimmers to be strong and ready when the time comes.

This I CAN do.

And really, this is all I can do.

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