TTC

Infertility is my fault

/ Hilary / 1 Comment

The calendar becomes my obsession. It’s not the date on the calendar that has my attention, it is the number I’ve put into my Google Calendar to count the days since my period began, that’s my day 1.

I’ve checked each day in some strange way of preparing myself for days 12-17, they haven’t changed, they won’t change. They are still there at the same dates I originally computed, taunting me.

The hours, let alone days can’t go by fast enough and I spend my time praying for my body to create the necessary elements that will enhance our chances of becoming pregnant. More than anything, I am praying that God’s miracle working hands will bestow us with the charge of parenting.

The prayers help, yet my thoughts can turn the corner pretty quickly into negativity and sorrow.

I can’t help but question why my body is this way? What’s wrong with me that my body doesn’t know how to function on its own and what could I have done in my past to make my body this way?

Is it possible that my body is this way because of something I did in my past, as though I did something to deserve this?

There isn’t much I can think of that would support this other than a few decisions I don’t think too favorably upon. I also know that my insane behaviors around eating and exercising were major issues in my teen and early twenties. I liked to eat and found it very difficult to stop eating. So instead of stopping (or limiting my food intake), I exercised to stay thin, scared of what other people thought of me and fearful of letting myself become too overweight. Exercising is not bad for anyone, as long as it’s in the appropriate amounts, but I was working out up to 3 hours every day. My life revolved around how to stay thin after eating what I wanted.

I liked to eat and found it very difficult to stop eating. So instead of stopping (or limiting my food intake), I exercised to stay thin, scared of what other people thought of me and fearful of letting myself become too overweight. Exercising is not bad for anyone, as long as it’s in the appropriate amounts, but I was working out up to 3 hours every day. My life revolved around how to stay thin after eating what I wanted.

The doctors attributed my lack of a period to my athletic activities and yet never challenged me or questioned why I was working out so much. Nor did they share any side effects this may cause as I grew older. I don’t blame them; I just wish I would have treated my body better.

The good thing is that for the past 11 years; I have been making an amends to my body for all the years of torture I put it through. Allowing my body to heal from the ridiculous behaviors and calming down to be more neutral and balanced.

So, am I the reason we can’t get pregnant? Is it my fault from my decisions of the past?

Possibly.

I won’t ever really know. Plus, it’s not helpful for me to sit in the space of pity or despair.

What I do know to be true is that I have a chance, today, to be made new. For my body and mind to be clean of my past and I can take the necessary actions to help my body grow healthier.

Today, I will place my hands on my belly and pray for God to do His thing. For my body to be creating these wonderful little follicles that house strong, viable eggs and for my uterine lining to be receiving the Estrogen patch’s medication well for a nice cushy lining. I’m also practicing visualization of what this might look like and pray for God’s will to be done.

My situation is not my fault, even if it is, I am choosing to believe that God is bigger than anything I may have done and can repair and bring to life anything if it’s in His plan.

Today, I believe God is powerful.

All Natural!

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Wahoo! I got a period, all on my own.

Not the reaction my husband thought I would give when I told him the news. Yes, I am bummed that we aren’t pregnant this month, BUT I got a period ON MY OWN.

Yes, I am bummed that we aren’t pregnant this month, BUT I got a period ON MY OWN.

This is huge and wonderful as I’ve been wanting my body to have some more normalcy through this process, as opposed to simply reacting to the medications the doctors give me.

It seems as though the last two cycles, my body has been sleeping and each medication is like waking from a nap, not knowing what time of day it is, what day it is, how long you’ve been sleeping… confusion and then reaction. There are times when I will wake from a nap in a panic that I’ve missed something. That fearful panic is real, for a moment.

I just wonder if this is how my body is responding to the medication… like it’s being woken up from a nap and it’s in reaction mode. In some ways, forced to perform.

When things are forced, it’s not as easy and free-flowing.

BUT, with a natural period, my body did it all on its own!

I didn’t have to take Provera to force a bleed and so maybe this month my body will bring its “A” game, functioning out of natural process versus medically induced.

I will take Clomid to help with the ovulation process, but maybe this time, I won’t need to be ‘triggered’ for ovulation… is it possible that my body is fully awake this month?

I am hopeful today.

This past month has been a turning point for me.

I will admit, for many months and years now I have not been too excited to enter into parenthood. I have seen others around me become parents and observe the shift in life and I have not been too motivated to want that life change for myself. If anything, I return to my safe space in my house relieved I don’t have children running around.

I have felt like a bad woman, like I have a horrible heart, for not pining after a baby like I hear many of my friends comment as they have strong desires for their own babies.

I am really happy in my life with my husband and am incredibly content with the life of 2.

Yes, I do want to have a family and have people I get to help grow and influence and love. Sitting back, watching them grow, explore, learn.

I am afraid of the sacrifice.

Giving all of me to someone else who is completely dependent on me. I am scared I won’t be able to receive the responsibility well and that I will push my children away.

They are so malleable and I don’t want to mess them up with my own fears and insecurities, or my own missteps. Lord knows I make enough willful decisions on my own, let alone affecting another person.

Maybe being a parent will help me become a better version of myself.

I don’t know how I will behave when there is someone else who needs me continuously. I want to say to them, “Stop it!”, “Figure it out on your own!”

Where is the compassion, love, patience, tolerance in that? I don’t feel ready. Will I ever be ready?

I guess not, no one really is ready.

I know how much children can cause a rift in the parents, in the marriage. I like my marriage and I don’t want to be too tired to engage with my husband. I don’t want to give so much to my children that I don’t have anything to give to him.

It’s not that I don’t want kids. It’s that I’m scared of myself and the unknowns of what that role and responsibility will look like in my day in and day out life routine.

Over the past few weeks though, I have been able to push aside the fears and see the beauty of holding and caring for another human being. I have begun to get excited to be a mom and to recognize how much of a gift it will be to raise another person.

One Line… only

/ Hilary / 5 Comments

I may or may not have taken a pregnancy test every other day for the last 6 days. In hopeful anticipation of the possibility to be pregnant, my thoughts were nowhere else for these past 10 days as I counted down. I noticed my keen sense of awareness to the possibility of being sick, having food aversion, not sleeping well, sore boobs… unfortunately, there was nothing out of the ordinary. Yet my research said I may or may not feel anything different so I was remaining hopeful that I would be pleasantly surprised this morning. I wasn’t.

I had a hope inside of seeing the two lines on the pregnancy stick. Closing my eyes I prayed for God’s will to be done and for me to be able to accept whatever it is that he has In store. I anticipated my reaction to seeing the two lines, how happy and surprised and in disbelieve and stunned and excited I would be. Counted to three….

One line.

Not pregnant.

Sadness overtakes me.

What’s wrong with my body that we could not get pregnant after all the things we’ve done and how great the doctors said everything looked? It must be me as my husband’s tests showed that he is not the problem.

I am frustrated that I could both have done a thing better plaything more to become pregnant. This is not going to be something that I work for and excel at and perfect and do right in order for it all to work out.

I can only do my part and the rest is up to nature, science and ultimately God.

What is magnificent to me is this idea of complete and utter lack of control that creates something incredible. Learning more about the science and biology behind conception, baby making is has dropped because it really cannot be controlled. I’m sure if I did IVF I would feel like we had more control, but there is no guarantee that the embryo will latch onto the uterine wall, let alone grow to survivor outside the womb.

I really am powerless and have no control over this whole desire.

Reminds me of when I was single and so desperately wanting to meet my husband. It was not anything I could control and I couldn’t make it happen any faster. I just had to surrender to the process of life and trust that It would happen.

My heart yarns more each day for a baby.

I learned of a few new friends being pregnant and I am elated for them and breaking inside. Breaking caused by fear that I won’t be able to have what they have. That my desire and hope to be as mom will not be fulfilled and I will be left with a hole in my heart that only a child can fill.

I know adoption is an option but is so expensive. How does anyone adopt at the increasing costs?

Breath.

I just have to trust.

God’s writing my story. Help me see his hand at work

Trigger Shot

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

Day 15
In hopeful anticipation, we go in for another ultrasound to see what’s going on. The technician entertains our questions about follicles and eggs. I will admit I don’t remember much from the reproduction section of my health class over 20 years ago so it was insightful to learn more about what’s going on inside my body.

I do remember that each female is born with all the eggs they will have in their lifetime. So I was unsure of what role a follicle plays.

Apparently, follicles grow inside the ovary and house 1 egg each. They are to grow to be over 18cm before they break and the egg is released into the fallopian tube which is ovulation. Typically only one follicle will ‘break’ and the remaining will die away, with the egg never to be used again.

Some follicles won’t have an egg inside and there is no way of knowing one way or the other if someone doesn’t become pregnant.

In the case of using Clomid, multiple follicles can grow over 18cm and break and release eggs, which is why the possibility of multiple births increases.

On my ultrasound, there was the 1 follicle outside of my ovary (which the doctor is not concerned about. Apparently, many women have these ‘hanging’ follicles). In addition were 2 nice sized follicles measuring 18cm and 22cm. Wahoo!

The doctor is happy with what the ultrasound reveals so he orders a trigger shot to be given to force ovulation.

What is an HCG Trigger Shot? It is an injection of a medication called HCG, which causes the eggs to complete the maturation process.

Some people don’t produce the HCG that will induce an ovulation, which is why the Trigger Shot is so helpful. The technician told me that HCG is the same hormone that is released when one becomes pregnant and that HCG is the hormone that pregnancy tests detect, fascinating!

At 3 pm I was stuck with the needle, little did I know this would be injected in the cheek of my bottom, ouch!

We left with specific instructions: Be together 24 & 48 hours after the shot and let nature take its course… so that’s what we will do.

I won’t lie though, I find myself wanting to help nature along, such as putting myself in the best position for gravity to help the swimmers (articles say this doesn’t work) or being together more than 2x in that window (the doctor gave specific instructions NOT to have sex too often, wanting the swimmers to be strong so waiting 24 hours can help the build up).

We are both excited at the possibility of becoming pregnant. Here we could see two viable follicles that may both contain eggs that might possibly be met by swimmers. Could this be the week that the rest of our lives change?

It’s amazing to me that there is such a short window of time for one to become pregnant. Thinking about all the people who become pregnant without planning, it’s fascinating to me how this all happens.

Once the egg is released from the ovary, it lives for 12-24 hours. On top of that, it can take anywhere between 45 minutes and a couple hours for sperm to reach the fallopian tubes. This means, there needs to be sperm already in the fallopian tube region. But not just any sperm, they need to be strong so they need to be there within a few days prior.

Timing is everything, isn’t it!

The Big “O”

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Stay calm, serene, relaxed. do anything I can to avoid stress.

Waiting for a positive indication on the ovulation stick to affirm that my body is working and ready.

Day 12– a big ‘O’ starred at me. Taunting me.

Day 13- a big ‘O’ sat there on the screen. Unapologetic.

Day 14– error.

What? Something happened where I need to retest but have to wait a few hours to pee again. So I wait until the afternoon hours to retest, wondering if this will be the day that I see that blinking smiley face. Fearful that I won’t and even more fearful that I won’t ovulate this month.

I asked about The Shot. You know the one that you can get that will essentially jump start ovulation. My doctor hesitated a moment because she explained that since my day 14 is on a Sunday, we would have to wait until Day 15 and by that point, it may be too late. Ugh! What is up with the timing of all of this?! Everything has to be so precise- to the day.

It reminds me that this act of creating a baby IS a miracle and that our bodies are created to precision. There is no mistake in the way God has made us and no science more powerful than Gods will.

If He wants us to get pregnant, we will get pregnant. I do believe this. And with that- I will rest and relax into the process.

Day 14- afternoon- I retest and it’s still a big “O”. Really? I guess nothing about this process is going to be easy for us.

 Day 15– Call the doctors.
Onto the next step… another doctors appointment tomorrow to see what’s going on.