Infertility is my fault

The calendar becomes my obsession. It’s not the date on the calendar that has my attention, it is the number I’ve put into my Google Calendar to count the days since my period began, that’s my day 1.

I’ve checked each day in some strange way of preparing myself for days 12-17, they haven’t changed, they won’t change. They are still there at the same dates I originally computed, taunting me.

The hours, let alone days can’t go by fast enough and I spend my time praying for my body to create the necessary elements that will enhance our chances of becoming pregnant. More than anything, I am praying that God’s miracle working hands will bestow us with the charge of parenting.

The prayers help, yet my thoughts can turn the corner pretty quickly into negativity and sorrow.

I can’t help but question why my body is this way? What’s wrong with me that my body doesn’t know how to function on its own and what could I have done in my past to make my body this way?

Is it possible that my body is this way because of something I did in my past, as though I did something to deserve this?

There isn’t much I can think of that would support this other than a few decisions I don’t think too favorably upon. I also know that my insane behaviors around eating and exercising were major issues in my teen and early twenties. I liked to eat and found it very difficult to stop eating. So instead of stopping (or limiting my food intake), I exercised to stay thin, scared of what other people thought of me and fearful of letting myself become too overweight. Exercising is not bad for anyone, as long as it’s in the appropriate amounts, but I was working out up to 3 hours every day. My life revolved around how to stay thin after eating what I wanted.

I liked to eat and found it very difficult to stop eating. So instead of stopping (or limiting my food intake), I exercised to stay thin, scared of what other people thought of me and fearful of letting myself become too overweight. Exercising is not bad for anyone, as long as it’s in the appropriate amounts, but I was working out up to 3 hours every day. My life revolved around how to stay thin after eating what I wanted.

The doctors attributed my lack of a period to my athletic activities and yet never challenged me or questioned why I was working out so much. Nor did they share any side effects this may cause as I grew older. I don’t blame them; I just wish I would have treated my body better.

The good thing is that for the past 11 years; I have been making an amends to my body for all the years of torture I put it through. Allowing my body to heal from the ridiculous behaviors and calming down to be more neutral and balanced.

So, am I the reason we can’t get pregnant? Is it my fault from my decisions of the past?

Possibly.

I won’t ever really know. Plus, it’s not helpful for me to sit in the space of pity or despair.

What I do know to be true is that I have a chance, today, to be made new. For my body and mind to be clean of my past and I can take the necessary actions to help my body grow healthier.

Today, I will place my hands on my belly and pray for God to do His thing. For my body to be creating these wonderful little follicles that house strong, viable eggs and for my uterine lining to be receiving the Estrogen patch’s medication well for a nice cushy lining. I’m also practicing visualization of what this might look like and pray for God’s will to be done.

My situation is not my fault, even if it is, I am choosing to believe that God is bigger than anything I may have done and can repair and bring to life anything if it’s in His plan.

Today, I believe God is powerful.

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