I may or may not have taken a pregnancy test every other day for the last 6 days. In hopeful anticipation of the possibility to be pregnant, my thoughts were nowhere else for these past 10 days as I counted down. I noticed my keen sense of awareness to the possibility of being sick, having food aversion, not sleeping well, sore boobs… unfortunately, there was nothing out of the ordinary. Yet my research said I may or may not feel anything different so I was remaining hopeful that I would be pleasantly surprised this morning. I wasn’t.

I had a hope inside of seeing the two lines on the pregnancy stick. Closing my eyes I prayed for God’s will to be done and for me to be able to accept whatever it is that he has In store. I anticipated my reaction to seeing the two lines, how happy and surprised and in disbelieve and stunned and excited I would be. Counted to three….

One line.

Not pregnant.

Sadness overtakes me.

What’s wrong with my body that we could not get pregnant after all the things we’ve done and how great the doctors said everything looked? It must be me as my husband’s tests showed that he is not the problem.

I am frustrated that I could both have done a thing better plaything more to become pregnant. This is not going to be something that I work for and excel at and perfect and do right in order for it all to work out.

I can only do my part and the rest is up to nature, science and ultimately God.

What is magnificent to me is this idea of complete and utter lack of control that creates something incredible. Learning more about the science and biology behind conception, baby making is has dropped because it really cannot be controlled. I’m sure if I did IVF I would feel like we had more control, but there is no guarantee that the embryo will latch onto the uterine wall, let alone grow to survivor outside the womb.

I really am powerless and have no control over this whole desire.

Reminds me of when I was single and so desperately wanting to meet my husband. It was not anything I could control and I couldn’t make it happen any faster. I just had to surrender to the process of life and trust that It would happen.

My heart yarns more each day for a baby.

I learned of a few new friends being pregnant and I am elated for them and breaking inside. Breaking caused by fear that I won’t be able to have what they have. That my desire and hope to be as mom will not be fulfilled and I will be left with a hole in my heart that only a child can fill.

I know adoption is an option but is so expensive. How does anyone adopt at the increasing costs?

Breath.

I just have to trust.

God’s writing my story. Help me see his hand at work