Deleting the Numbers

December 8, 2017December 9, 2017 / Hilary / 2 Comments

I’ve deleted all the cycle planning days on my calendar. I know, a big step for this lady who likes control… some may call me a “control ‘freak”, but hey, that’s typically useful to me to get things done. I tend to like to know what’s coming up and prepare as much as humanly possible.

After 4 rounds of Clomid, I’ve learned that there are some things (ok many things) that I just can’t control.

A new day comes every 24 hours, and a new week every 7 days… My plotting on a calendar and counting the days from Day 1 to Day 12 to Day 16 to Day 25 to Day 35 is not helpful. If anything it’s caused me more angst in anticipation and worry for no reason.

I also, know that I have heard from many people the art of relaxation. When people let go and relax, things seem to happen more smoothly.

In an act of relaxation, I take a deep breath as I close my eyes. Getting my mind focused on what’s really going on. My life is not all about me and what I want. There is more to my life than being a mom and for today, this is where God wants me to be.

The root of this control is fear.

Fearful that I won’t be able to have my own children and fearful of being left out of the rest of the ‘experience’ of mommy-hood.
Fearful that if/when we adopt I won’t be able to love them as my own flesh and blood.
Fearful that we won’t even be able to adopt because of how expensive it is and that we won’t be able to experience the joys of growing our own family.
Fearful that my friends will move into this stage and I will be left behind, yearning to be apart of it, but completely helpless in making it happen.

One thing I know for sure is God is love and He cares for me. I shall not be afraid. Fear is not from God and although I may have those fearful thoughts, they don’t serve me to think about them and ruminate over them. It’s best for me to let those thoughts out of my head and turn my thinking into gratitude for the things I do have and the blessings in my life.

I’m grateful for:

a house to live in
a husband to love
friends who care about me
a career I enjoy
the opportunity to serve others
10 fingers, 10 toes, legs that walk, arms that move
a car to drive and gas in the tank

I choose to delete all 1’s, 12’s, 16’s, 25’s and 35’s from my calendar.

I used these to help us plan out when we would be going through future cycles. What I’ve learned through this past few weeks is that my body does not work on a traditional calendar and therefore I cannot predict things one way or another. I have to just be in the experience, taking in the moment as it is and not looking for the next to be the answer.

A small way I can let go and just be in the process.

False positive…

November 18, 2017October 7, 2017 / Hilary / 7 Comments

OUCH! The pain is incredibly sharp. I have no idea where this came from. It started around 2:30pm and seemed like hunger pains in the middle of my stomach. Very strange for me to have these pains as I haven’t had hunger pains in a very long time. Those of you who know me, know that I’m very structured around when, what, and how much I eat so this seems strange.

I drink water.

Doesn’t go away.

Turns into a major aching and it’s clear it is no longer hunger pains but something else rolling around in my stomach. It feels as though there is acid eating away at my stomach lining, burning through each layer. The thought of citrus or tomato makes my stomach turn. I’m not nauseous, just extremely agitated.

They subside after dinnertime.

2:45pm the next day, same pains, same ache, same routine.

Could I be pregnant?! Is this what people are talking about when they say their body is being taken over by a parasite because there is no doubting that it feels as though something is sucking my insides dry.

If I am pregnant, this pain is worth it and I’ll gladly endure the unrest to have something growing inside of me. If not, then what in the world is this?

Could it be my body is flushing the mixture of hormones I was just given between estrogen and the HCG shot?

This continues for a week and by now I am anxious to pee on that darn stick to know if all this is because of Maxwell Bean growing in there.

One week later (after returning from a weekend trip), both my hubby and I get the stomach crampy pains.

Wait… what?

Could it be that it was just a stomach bug that started at 3pm every day and subsided at 6pm and is now moving to later in the afternoon/night?

I am incredibly confused and bummed that it could have just been a stomach virus all along. Not to mention the fact that both of us are feeling ill and impatient to know if we are pregnant.

I have 3 First Response Early detection pregnancy tests staring at me in the bathroom.

I could use one every other day from 6 days prior to the projected start of my next period, all the way up until the day I am to start… I do it.

Wait for it….

Wait

For

WAHOO! There is a line…

I am beyond thrilled

and jumpy as I see a (faint) line.

Ok so it’s not very visible, but I CAN see it, Hubby can see it… we are

Cautious.

I don’t believe it; I won’t believe it until I hear it from the doctor.

Immediately we pull out our laptops and begin researching ‘faint line on pregnancy test’ and come up with multiple affirmations that a faint line is still a line and means we’re pregnant!

But then I scroll down to see that people who have received the HCG Trigger shot may have remanences of the shot in their system up to 14 days after the test! (Based on 10,000 units can last 10-14 days).

Here we are 10 days after the shot.

My heart sank.
It’s possible this line is picking up the HCG from the shot and not that I’m pregnant.

BUMMER!

The doctor said to wait a few days and test again, if the line gets darker than it could indicate that we are pregnant, signifying the HCG is increasing.

2 days later I test.

I get a line!

It seems a bit darker this time around and we are a bit excited but know that the real test will come on day 14.

At this point, I am pretty hopeful that we are pregnant and trying not to start planning on when Maxwell Bean will be due.

The stomach ick continues, although it seems to have shifted as it’s more at night and I’m starting to question if I got a stomach bug (diarrhea and all, yuck).

Today I did have excruciating cramps in my stomach as though something was clawing at my stomach muscles from the inside out.

…I got excited.

Is this the implantation cramping I’ve read about?

Or is it my pre-menstrual cramps?

I’m continuing to pray for Maxwell Bean as I am choosing to believe I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

My back aches… and I don’t feel well.

My thoughts turn negative. I am already scared to lose the baby.

I have read too much about miscarriages happening in the early weeks of pregnancy.

In many cases, the early pregnancy tests are hurting our social psyche because they detect very low HCG levels, leaving great risk for miscarriages the days leading up to the next month’s scheduled period. Most don’t realize they are miscarrying because the period covers up the bleed.

Up to 75% of implantations lead to miscarriages.

I am really not wanting to feel the pain of being in that statistic and therefore am scared to get excited about the faint lines out of self-preservation.

I don’t want to get excited just to miscarry and lose hope of what’s possible, lose a life, and have to go through this process again.

I feel selfish saying that as I know I haven’t been through that much, compared to others.

It is a growing longing, to carry our own baby- a mixture of my hubby’s and my DNA.

Day 14- recommended test day by my doctor

I pee on the stick and flip it over until my hubby wakes up so we can see it together. At this point, I’m pretty confident that we are pregnant, especially since the line 2 days ago was stronger in color.

We count….. 1

…. 2

…. 3

No line.

My heart drops

and I feel duped.

I really thought we were pregnant and I am sad.

I don’t really know what to do with my emotions and am frustrated that we have to wait and go through this for another cycle.

I’m angry that my doctor didn’t increase the dose of Clomid to elevate our chances (as it that would have really helped).

Frustrated that we are going through this.

I hope no one takes this personally, but I am a tad peeved when I hear others who weren’t even trying to get pregnant and one day the girl thinks, “hum, that’s strange I am usually regular with my period and I haven’t had it for a few days” then goes and takes a pregnancy test and guess what…. Pregnant.

Grr.

I know my friends who have had this wonderful surprise happen to them know that I’m not upset with them, I just wish I didn’t have this struggle.

The anticipation, the counting of days, the build-up.

Yet, maybe this is exactly what I need to allow my longing to grow more intense and for me to be able to feel the disappointment so that when are pregnant I will feel overjoyed because of the struggle.

I am going to choose to believe that this painful longing and disappointment is here for me to only experience a heightened proclamation of God’s amazing work.

So now we must wait to see if I get my period, naturally.

If I don’t either:

A) we are pregnant or B) we have to force it with Provera.

I will admit, there is still a twinge of hope that we are pregnant and it’s just not showing up on the pregnancy tests. If I don’t bleed, we will test my blood next week to see if it detects something these sticks don’t. If I do, we will begin Provera to start the next round.

It is possible we are still pregnant but I’m not going to get my hopes up. I can’t afford to invest my emotions in something that seems too volatile at this point. I just wish I wouldn’t have put so much hope in the 6-day early Pregnancy tests.

Although 2 weeks seems like a long time to wait, it’s worth it to not get a false positive, twice.

Infertility is my fault

October 22, 2017August 25, 2017 / Hilary / 1 Comment

The calendar becomes my obsession. It’s not the date on the calendar that has my attention, it is the number I’ve put into my Google Calendar to count the days since my period began, that’s my day 1.

I’ve checked each day in some strange way of preparing myself for days 12-17, they haven’t changed, they won’t change. They are still there at the same dates I originally computed, taunting me.

The hours, let alone days can’t go by fast enough and I spend my time praying for my body to create the necessary elements that will enhance our chances of becoming pregnant. More than anything, I am praying that God’s miracle working hands will bestow us with the charge of parenting.

The prayers help, yet my thoughts can turn the corner pretty quickly into negativity and sorrow.

I can’t help but question why my body is this way? What’s wrong with me that my body doesn’t know how to function on its own and what could I have done in my past to make my body this way?

Is it possible that my body is this way because of something I did in my past, as though I did something to deserve this?

There isn’t much I can think of that would support this other than a few decisions I don’t think too favorably upon. I also know that my insane behaviors around eating and exercising were major issues in my teen and early twenties. I liked to eat and found it very difficult to stop eating. So instead of stopping (or limiting my food intake), I exercised to stay thin, scared of what other people thought of me and fearful of letting myself become too overweight. Exercising is not bad for anyone, as long as it’s in the appropriate amounts, but I was working out up to 3 hours every day. My life revolved around how to stay thin after eating what I wanted.

I liked to eat and found it very difficult to stop eating. So instead of stopping (or limiting my food intake), I exercised to stay thin, scared of what other people thought of me and fearful of letting myself become too overweight. Exercising is not bad for anyone, as long as it’s in the appropriate amounts, but I was working out up to 3 hours every day. My life revolved around how to stay thin after eating what I wanted.

The doctors attributed my lack of a period to my athletic activities and yet never challenged me or questioned why I was working out so much. Nor did they share any side effects this may cause as I grew older. I don’t blame them; I just wish I would have treated my body better.

The good thing is that for the past 11 years; I have been making an amends to my body for all the years of torture I put it through. Allowing my body to heal from the ridiculous behaviors and calming down to be more neutral and balanced.

So, am I the reason we can’t get pregnant? Is it my fault from my decisions of the past?

Possibly.

I won’t ever really know. Plus, it’s not helpful for me to sit in the space of pity or despair.

What I do know to be true is that I have a chance, today, to be made new. For my body and mind to be clean of my past and I can take the necessary actions to help my body grow healthier.

Today, I will place my hands on my belly and pray for God to do His thing. For my body to be creating these wonderful little follicles that house strong, viable eggs and for my uterine lining to be receiving the Estrogen patch’s medication well for a nice cushy lining. I’m also practicing visualization of what this might look like and pray for God’s will to be done.

My situation is not my fault, even if it is, I am choosing to believe that God is bigger than anything I may have done and can repair and bring to life anything if it’s in His plan.

Today, I believe God is powerful.

Back on BC

May 19, 2017 / Hilary / Leave a comment

Two weeks ago, I met my OBGYN doctor for the first time. She was absolutely…

Serious.

Not a lot of ‘bedside manner’. She spoke from experience with numerous facts about the successful pregnancies she’s experienced with other patients with PCOS. I immediately felt comfortable with her expertise and assurance that we would most-likely become pregnant.

Before we began talking logistics, I shared with her the results of my husband’s ‘swimmers’. Not only was she impressed with how good they look (nice job Honey), but also that we had this test completed prior to my appointment with her.

Note to others: get hubby checked prior to fertility consult. Hubby wasn’t at all thrilled with the idea of having to provide a sample, but I reminded him of how many times I have to put my feet in those straps to posture vulnerable to doctors and nurses… one sample can’t compare. Looking for a place? He went through Conceptions.

After about 20 minutes of discussing with my new friend the OB Dr., we had a plan.

Step 1: I am to start on birth control in order to force my body into having a period.
Step 2: On the day of my first true bleed (not just spotting), I am to contact OB Dr. to get a prescription of Clomid.
Step 3: On days 3-8 I am to take Clomid.
Step 4: On days 10-20ish? I am to pee on Ovulation sticks
Goal: To ovulate.

If I don’t ovulate, they will increase the dosage of Clomid for the next month. If I do ovulate, have at it and pray for pregnancy.

With a thin uterine lining, it may be necessary for me to return to those sticky estrogen patches (ick!). She said Clomid thins out the uterine lining even more… so that may be a necessity. Praying for God to do miracles!

We will to this for 6 months, which at that point if not pregnant, she will refer me to a Fertility specialist. Come on God!

One caveat to the Clomid is we must be prepared for the potential of twins (eek! ok I’m actually super excited about that idea). She said it’s about a 10% chance that we would have twins. After a little hesitation, we agreed that two babies is better than none and would gratefully welcome twins into our family.

So back onto birth control I am, with my emotions all over the place, my face breaking out with all sorts of acne, my boobs ever so sore, and what feels like 100lbs of weight gain (only a few pounds) that feels like water weight/bloatedness, ick. Not to mention I am crying A LOT… uncontrollable sobbing, Niagra falls of tears rushing down my face.

Not the most fun past few weeks as it feels like I’m experiencing one BIG cycle to make up for all those I have missed. Yet, I am open to anything and reminding me it’s a temporary discomfort.

This weekend, I went to my nephews 1st birthday party. It was adorable to see all the new babies amidst the older siblings playing in the jumpy-set.

A high school friend was there with her husband and twin 11-week old babies. They were absolutely precious and it was such a gift to talk with them. Their journey to these babies has been long and emotional as well. She too has PCOS and shared some wonderful tidbits of what she learned along the way.

I love how openly people are willing and able to speak about their own journey to growing a family and understand the power in sharing.

My desire is for more people share, to give hope and experience while offering an ear to simply listen. The longing for something in life that cannot be controlled is universal. Desiring to meet your life partner, wanting so badly to grow a family, praying for the health of a loved one… these heart’s desires that can’t be fulfilled by ‘willing’ anything to happen.

It’s the practice of patience, trust, and gratitude for what is here now.

I feel like I’m a broken record in all my writing, in all my thinking. I know in my head what is the ‘right’ posture as I journey through my days, yet I let my negativity and dissatisfaction of aspects of my life shadow the beauty.

Caring too much? Thinking too much? Possibly.

My prayer is that through these next few months… (ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

(ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

Wanting vs. Enjoying

January 10, 2017 / Hilary / Leave a comment

I don’t know if it’s a blessing that I got my period, or now a curse. I can tell I am fighting off the very thing I didn’t want to become consumed by, counting days, checking ovulation, wondering if this is the month we’ll become pregnant.

My husband and I talked about keeping expectations low and I really liked the thought of that… but they keep creeping up and up… will this be the month? Could we actually get pregnant? I even have the thought, “I don’t want to wait another month to try again”.

I laugh at this last thought because I see how normal I am, with other women who are ready for a baby and try for months on end… or years. Month after month, wondering if this is the month. Hopeful with anticipation and then disappointed and sad when the next period comes.

I know, I’m way too far into the future with my thoughts and that is what I need to remind myself of today.

STAY IN THE DAY.

Today.

Not only stay in this present moment, but to also look at the things I have to be grateful for in this moment.

The list consists of:

the opportunity to take naps when I want to
enjoy a full night’s rest
be able to go out on a date night without having to find/pay for a babysitter
go skiing for the full day (together)
make my schedule around things I would like to do

Although selfish, I can see there is a time and space for this type of lifestyle and once kids come along, all this changes.

I remember having the same thoughts of yearning when I was single, wanting so much to meet my husband. I would write a list of things I was grateful for that I would have in this season… knowing that once I met him, all would change.

Similar with kids. Life as we know it will change and we won’t have this same life again and so it’s important for me to cherish what we have today and embracing each experience we have in this season because once it changes, it changes.

Granted, the change to marriage and the change to having children are wonderful and beautiful with so much richness and growth… and I love how life is always changing. As long as I learn how to enjoy the season of life that I’m in, knowing it will change.

The present. This exact moment, and this exact day is exactly where God wants me to be.

So as we journey through this week, I surrender my desires to God and trust in the plan and timing God has for us to grow our family while practicing gratitude and thanksgiving.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. –Philippians 4:6 NIV