Deleting the Numbers

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I’ve deleted all the cycle planning days on my calendar. I know, a big step for this lady who likes control… some may call me a “control ‘freak”, but hey, that’s typically useful to me to get things done. I tend to like to know what’s coming up and prepare as much as humanly possible.

After 4 rounds of Clomid, I’ve learned that there are some things (ok many things) that I just can’t control.

A new day comes every 24 hours, and a new week every 7 days… My plotting on a calendar and counting the days from Day 1 to Day 12 to Day 16 to Day 25 to Day 35 is not helpful. If anything it’s caused me more angst in anticipation and worry for no reason.

I also, know that I have heard from many people the art of relaxation. When people let go and relax, things seem to happen more smoothly.

In an act of relaxation, I take a deep breath as I close my eyes. Getting my mind focused on what’s really going on.  My life is not all about me and what I want. There is more to my life than being a mom and for today, this is where God wants me to be.

The root of this control is fear.

  • Fearful that I won’t be able to have my own children and fearful of being left out of the rest of the ‘experience’ of mommy-hood.
  • Fearful that if/when we adopt I won’t be able to love them as my own flesh and blood.
  • Fearful that we won’t even be able to adopt because of how expensive it is and that we won’t be able to experience the joys of growing our own family.
  • Fearful that my friends will move into this stage and I will be left behind, yearning to be apart of it, but completely helpless in making it happen.

One thing I know for sure is God is love and He cares for me. I shall not be afraid. Fear is not from God and although I may have those fearful thoughts, they don’t serve me to think about them and ruminate over them. It’s best for me to let those thoughts out of my head and turn my thinking into gratitude for the things I do have and the blessings in my life.

I’m grateful for:

  • a house to live in
  • a husband to love
  • friends who care about me
  • a career I enjoy
  • the opportunity to serve others
  • 10 fingers, 10 toes, legs that walk, arms that move
  • a car to drive and gas in the tank

I choose to delete all 1’s, 12’s, 16’s, 25’s and 35’s from my calendar.

I used these to help us plan out when we would be going through future cycles. What I’ve learned through this past few weeks is that my body does not work on a traditional calendar and therefore I cannot predict things one way or another. I have to just be in the experience, taking in the moment as it is and not looking for the next to be the answer.

A small way I can let go and just be in the process.

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2 thoughts on “Deleting the Numbers

  1. Way to go, Hilary. I don’t know what it’s like to go through what you are, but you’re right when you say things go smoother when we let go. It’s super hard and feels unnatural. Praying for you!

    Like

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