Helpful Distractions

January 6, 2018October 30, 2017 / Hilary / Leave a comment

I am grateful to report that last 2 weeks have not been too terrible as there have been many other things to focus our time and energy on.

The last cycle, it seemed like I was pulling my hair out each day waiting to be able to pee on that stick. Conversations back and forth in my head about wanting to just go ahead and do it and then justification as to why I should wait.

This time, I feel grateful for the other ‘life’ things going on that I am not as focused.

If I were to dig a little deeper though. I’m not ready for the heartache of another negative pregnancy test and the reality that we are not pregnant.

I like being in this state of hopeful possibility and the pregnancy test would just make the reality known.

I am scared to be sad. Scared to be let down. I don’t know how many more negative’s/no’s/not this time’s I can take. This might be our last round of Clomid for a bit. I think I might need a break from the emotional drain.

Although I don’t feel I’m placing too much expectation on this cycle, I want to remain positive and hopeful. I hear that a positive mindset creates positive results.

Might it be that I am to continue to ask for God’s will to be done as opposed to a positive result? I think so.

Today I feel ‘quiet’ in heart and soul. I don’t really have much more to say about that.

Third Times a Charm?

December 22, 2017October 30, 2017 / Hilary / Leave a comment

Day 14 Ultrasound came back hopeful!

My uterine lining is thickening (the double estrogen worked!) and there are two follicles growing inside me.

Wahoo!

I was so nervous because I haven’t had much luck with the ovulation predictor kits. In the past cycles, I have at least seen a blinking smiley face, this time it was just an empty circle… starring at me. No emotion.

I was scared to think there wasn’t any activity going on inside me.

One of the follicles measured 18 and the other 25!

The doctor didn’t hesitate to recommend a high-dose HCG shot to force ovulation.

A pleasant change from the drawn-out pre-ovulation period.

Almost immediately after getting the shot, the ovulation predictor kit produced a solid smiley face. I haven’t been able to learn if this means I am ovulating or if it’s just picking up on the high level of HCG but we are leaning more on the cautious side and covering our bases… or maybe Hubby is using it as an excuse 🙂

How am I feeling this time around, you ask?

Well, I am hopefully… scared.

I don’t want to have another let down like last month and so I’m not putting too much excitement at the possibility of becoming pregnant and I also want to stay positive and hopeful of things to come to keep my emotions level.

This is my fourth round of Clomid, the third successful round of follicle growth/ovulation… third times a charm?

In the midst of this, I continue to have stomach problems. Going off all the supplements (calcium, Vit B, Inositol, NAC, pre-natal…) has helped but I fear not getting the nutrients that are necessary for a healthy baby. Listening to my body and trusting that I need to take care of myself in this way first.

I’m taking heartburn medication and IBS pills because the doctor isn’t quite sure what’s happening inside of me. I wonder if it’s all connected to the hormonal changes.

Keeping my stress down, I am practicing praying, journaling and light exercise on a regular basis. God, your will be done. Help me trust in you and surrender to what you have for me.

The three-week wait begins…

Double the Dose

December 21, 2017 / Hilary / 2 Comments

Doubling the dose of estrogen is leaving me feeling bloated and blah. Not very attractive to say the least and I just have to keep remembering… “this feeling is not going to last forever.”

It’s day 13 of my cycle and I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to feel. I’ve been on double the dose of estrogen for 3 days and am praying my lining is getting thicker. We will find out at the next ultrasound how my body is reacting.

I want to be excited and hopeful of what is possible and yet I also am even more hesitant to believe we will become pregnant after two cycles of feeling let down.

The beauty in the journey thus far is how much I have learned through each cycle… about myself and the power of surrender.

Four cycles ago, I was plotting and planning and trying to control when and how everything would come together and today I feel like we will just give it a try and see what happens.

Tomorrow I will go in for an ultrasound to see what is going on and what’s been growing. I’m a little nervous. I’d love to see more than one follicle this time (last time there was only one but the time before there were two). I need to lower my expectations and be happy with whatever is going on in there.

As I think about the appointment, I lay my hands on my belly and pray for healthy growth and positive hormone progression. I pray for God to bless this week and for acceptance of his will in our lives this week.

My prayer is that this week will not become too clinical between Hubby and myself. That we may continue to enjoy each other and have fun with this process.

In some ways, I’m not looking forward to this week because of the build-up it caused that last time around. The obsessive thoughts after I ovulated and the two weeks of unknown mixed with anticipation.

All I can focus on is today and not worry about tomorrow or next week. Staying present in the day and remaining hopeful of what miracles are possible.

Miracle Grow

December 10, 2017December 9, 2017 / Hilary / 1 Comment

Hooray! A period comes and I am officially able to start my new cycle. What a relief that is to know that I get another opportunity to become pregnant.

I’ve been sensitive to the words I am choosing to use.

I talk about us going through fertility treatments as opposed to we are struggling with infertility.
I say that I ‘get’ to have a period to kick-start a new cycle as opposed to having to have a period which means we aren’t pregnant.
I remain hopeful for the journey to be an experience that will shape my character as opposed to a victim-fill, woe is me, this is so hard and why-is-it-happening-to-me type mentality.

I call my OBGYN and they get me in for an ultrasound. Everything looks clear and ready for a new round of Clomid.

Let’s do this!

My lining is still incredibly thin (what’s new there?) so they want me to up the dose of estrogen to two patches and begin on Day 10.

I also provoke the conversation around the dosage of Clomid. In my book, it needs to be increased. That is without medical training or understanding of the medication but what I know is I’m not yet pregnant and want to explore every option.

My OB takes a look at our last cycle and agrees. My follicle only grew to 20

mm before they gave me the Trigger shot and for being on Clomid, that seems a bit sm

all to her.

The script read: 150mg of Clomid

Three chalky white pills a day for 5 days… miracle grow.

Grow follicles, grow!

Deleting the Numbers

December 8, 2017December 9, 2017 / Hilary / 2 Comments

I’ve deleted all the cycle planning days on my calendar. I know, a big step for this lady who likes control… some may call me a “control ‘freak”, but hey, that’s typically useful to me to get things done. I tend to like to know what’s coming up and prepare as much as humanly possible.

After 4 rounds of Clomid, I’ve learned that there are some things (ok many things) that I just can’t control.

A new day comes every 24 hours, and a new week every 7 days… My plotting on a calendar and counting the days from Day 1 to Day 12 to Day 16 to Day 25 to Day 35 is not helpful. If anything it’s caused me more angst in anticipation and worry for no reason.

I also, know that I have heard from many people the art of relaxation. When people let go and relax, things seem to happen more smoothly.

In an act of relaxation, I take a deep breath as I close my eyes. Getting my mind focused on what’s really going on. My life is not all about me and what I want. There is more to my life than being a mom and for today, this is where God wants me to be.

The root of this control is fear.

Fearful that I won’t be able to have my own children and fearful of being left out of the rest of the ‘experience’ of mommy-hood.
Fearful that if/when we adopt I won’t be able to love them as my own flesh and blood.
Fearful that we won’t even be able to adopt because of how expensive it is and that we won’t be able to experience the joys of growing our own family.
Fearful that my friends will move into this stage and I will be left behind, yearning to be apart of it, but completely helpless in making it happen.

One thing I know for sure is God is love and He cares for me. I shall not be afraid. Fear is not from God and although I may have those fearful thoughts, they don’t serve me to think about them and ruminate over them. It’s best for me to let those thoughts out of my head and turn my thinking into gratitude for the things I do have and the blessings in my life.

I’m grateful for:

a house to live in
a husband to love
friends who care about me
a career I enjoy
the opportunity to serve others
10 fingers, 10 toes, legs that walk, arms that move
a car to drive and gas in the tank

I choose to delete all 1’s, 12’s, 16’s, 25’s and 35’s from my calendar.

I used these to help us plan out when we would be going through future cycles. What I’ve learned through this past few weeks is that my body does not work on a traditional calendar and therefore I cannot predict things one way or another. I have to just be in the experience, taking in the moment as it is and not looking for the next to be the answer.

A small way I can let go and just be in the process.