Author: Hilary

Double the Dose

/ Hilary / 2 Comments

-D8OjkIt_400x400.jpgDoubling the dose of estrogen is leaving me feeling bloated and blah. Not very attractive to say the least and I just have to keep remembering… “this feeling is not going to last forever.”

It’s day 13 of my cycle and I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to feel. I’ve been on double the dose of estrogen for 3 days and am praying my lining is getting thicker. We will find out at the next ultrasound how my body is reacting.

I want to be excited and hopeful of what is possible and yet I also am even more hesitant to believe we will become pregnant after two cycles of feeling let down.

The beauty in the journey thus far is how much I have learned through each cycle… about myself and the power of surrender.

Four cycles ago, I was plotting and planning and trying to control when and how everything would come together and today I feel like we will just give it a try and see what happens.

Tomorrow I will go in for an ultrasound to see what is going on and what’s been growing. I’m a little nervous. I’d love to see more than one follicle this time (last time there was only one but the time before there were two). I need to lower my expectations and be happy with whatever is going on in there.

As I think about the appointment, I lay my hands on my belly and pray for healthy growth and positive hormone progression. I pray for God to bless this week and for acceptance of his will in our lives this week.

My prayer is that this week will not become too clinical between Hubby and myself. That we may continue to enjoy each other and have fun with this process.

In some ways, I’m not looking forward to this week because of the build-up it caused that last time around. The obsessive thoughts after I ovulated and the two weeks of unknown mixed with anticipation.

All I can focus on is today and not worry about tomorrow or next week. Staying present in the day and remaining hopeful of what miracles are possible.

Miracle Grow

/ Hilary / 1 Comment

Hooray! A period comes and I am officially able to start my new cycle. What a relief that is to know that I get another opportunity to become pregnant.

I’ve been sensitive to the words I am choosing to use.

  • I talk about us going through fertility treatments as opposed to we are struggling with infertility.
  • I say that I ‘get’ to have a period to kick-start a new cycle as opposed to having to have a period which means we aren’t pregnant.
  • I remain hopeful for the journey to be an experience that will shape my character as opposed to a victim-fill, woe is me, this is so hard and why-is-it-happening-to-me type mentality.

I call my OBGYN and they get me in for an ultrasound. Everything looks clear and ready for a new round of Clomid.

Let’s do this!

My lining is still incredibly thin (what’s new there?) so they want me to up the dose of estrogen to two patches and begin on Day 10.

I also provoke the conversation around the dosage of Clomid. In my book, it needs to be increased. That is without medical training or understanding of the medication but what I know is I’m not yet pregnant and want to explore every option.

My OB takes a look at our last cycle and agrees. My follicle only grew to 20

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mm before they gave me the Trigger shot and for being on Clomid, that seems a bit sm

all to her.

The script read: 150mg of Clomid

Three chalky white pills a day for 5 days… miracle grow.

Grow follicles, grow!

Deleting the Numbers

/ Hilary / 2 Comments

calendar31.jpg

I’ve deleted all the cycle planning days on my calendar. I know, a big step for this lady who likes control… some may call me a “control ‘freak”, but hey, that’s typically useful to me to get things done. I tend to like to know what’s coming up and prepare as much as humanly possible.

After 4 rounds of Clomid, I’ve learned that there are some things (ok many things) that I just can’t control.

A new day comes every 24 hours, and a new week every 7 days… My plotting on a calendar and counting the days from Day 1 to Day 12 to Day 16 to Day 25 to Day 35 is not helpful. If anything it’s caused me more angst in anticipation and worry for no reason.

I also, know that I have heard from many people the art of relaxation. When people let go and relax, things seem to happen more smoothly.

In an act of relaxation, I take a deep breath as I close my eyes. Getting my mind focused on what’s really going on.  My life is not all about me and what I want. There is more to my life than being a mom and for today, this is where God wants me to be.

The root of this control is fear.

  • Fearful that I won’t be able to have my own children and fearful of being left out of the rest of the ‘experience’ of mommy-hood.
  • Fearful that if/when we adopt I won’t be able to love them as my own flesh and blood.
  • Fearful that we won’t even be able to adopt because of how expensive it is and that we won’t be able to experience the joys of growing our own family.
  • Fearful that my friends will move into this stage and I will be left behind, yearning to be apart of it, but completely helpless in making it happen.

One thing I know for sure is God is love and He cares for me. I shall not be afraid. Fear is not from God and although I may have those fearful thoughts, they don’t serve me to think about them and ruminate over them. It’s best for me to let those thoughts out of my head and turn my thinking into gratitude for the things I do have and the blessings in my life.

I’m grateful for:

  • a house to live in
  • a husband to love
  • friends who care about me
  • a career I enjoy
  • the opportunity to serve others
  • 10 fingers, 10 toes, legs that walk, arms that move
  • a car to drive and gas in the tank

I choose to delete all 1’s, 12’s, 16’s, 25’s and 35’s from my calendar.

I used these to help us plan out when we would be going through future cycles. What I’ve learned through this past few weeks is that my body does not work on a traditional calendar and therefore I cannot predict things one way or another. I have to just be in the experience, taking in the moment as it is and not looking for the next to be the answer.

A small way I can let go and just be in the process.

Unpleasant Reminders

/ Hilary / 2 Comments

My skin hurts.

I have been on the Provera/progesterone for 10 days.

Okay, actually I just lied. I decided to try and move this show along a little faster and may have taken a double dose (morning and night) of medication two different days this week.

Okay, I did do this. I figured my body will still respond with a period as long as I take the prescribed dose and am now praying that I didn’t mess something up in my system.

With this hormone boost, my skin has reacted in the form of acne and it’s not pleasant.

In all actuality, it’s quite humiliating. To be 34 years old and have this type of acne.

Hubby is sweet, he says he can’t see it and just notices my skin being red… and that I’m beautiful, good Hubby.

That doesn’t make me feel 100% better, but it is nice to know that it may just be in my head.

Unpleasant reminders of how my body isn’t working properly. (God, please help me love my situation and the body you’ve given me. I know you know all that is in me and all that is to come in our life. God, I do trust you, even when I don’t understand.)

Regardless, this week of extra hormones has not been pleasant. Exhausted and upset that my body didn’t produce a period naturally, I spent this morning in prayer.

God, I really don’t understand my body or what is going on. I try and do research and ask questions, but what I’m coming to realize is that everybody’s body is different and I just have to accept mine as being this way. Completely unpredictable and slightly unexplainable.

I am frustrated that I’m not ‘normal’ and have emotions when I hear others who just ‘get pregnant’. Have I mentioned that my parent’s joke that they just looked at each other and my mom would become pregnant? Yup, twice. The idea of trying or cycle-tracking is completely foreign to my parents. I love them and appreciate their light-hearted comments in the midst of my own discontentment.

Maybe they are on to something though. Light-hearted, open-handed. Not trying, not tracking. Each cycle, I feel I let go a little bit more of the control in timing and just let it be as it will be.

Not trying, not tracking. Each cycle, I feel I let go a little bit more of the control in timing and just let it be as it will be.

Each cycle, I feel I let go a little bit more of the control in timing and just let it be as it will be.

Another Opportunity

/ Hilary / 2 Comments

I am sad. I felt really good about this last cycle. Hope… shattered.

I am not pregnant after another month of trying. The blood test came back negative to confirm the results. My heart is broken. I thought after last week’s positive that there was still a chance, but the phone call with the nurse who got right to the point ended those hopes pretty quickly.

So another month of trying is ahead of us and although I want to be positive, I find myself becoming a little frustrated. I really thought that the sickness was related to pregnancy and was getting hopeful, turns out the doctors aren’t sure what that was- could have been heartburn or a bug.

What’s even more frustrating is that I don’t have a period to even start the process of the next cycle. I limited my working out this week in hopes of alleviating stress on my body and there is still nothing to show for it.

After waiting a week after my expected period, the doctors want to put me on Provera to force a period. I am grateful there is a medication that will do this sort of thing, but I can’t help but be a little bitter that my body is not responding naturally. Plus the fact that we will have to wait another 10 days (at least) before my period will begin.

The doctor says to give it 2 weeks after the period to even start a period. My track record has been that my body responds pretty quickly after ending the 10-day Provera cycle, praying this is the case again.

God, what are you doing? I don’t understand your plan and am trying to believe in what you have is good for us. I don’t want to lose hope, lose faith in your goodness. It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

I don’t understand your plan and am trying to believe in what you have is good for us. I don’t want to lose hope, lose faith in your goodness. It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

Just as when I was single, I couldn’t force a marriage to happen and couldn’t make a husband appear. I just had to wait while still living my life as it presented itself to me in that moment and trust that you had a good partner for me and that you would introduce him to me in your perfect timing. You know what? You did and I am so grateful for the wait to meeting my hubby so I can take that experience and apply it to my emotions today.

I will trust you, God. I choose to, at least for today. Comfort my heart as I accept what is, today.