I am sad. I felt really good about this last cycle. Hope… shattered.

I am not pregnant after another month of trying. The blood test came back negative to confirm the results. My heart is broken. I thought after last week’s positive that there was still a chance, but the phone call with the nurse who got right to the point ended those hopes pretty quickly.

So another month of trying is ahead of us and although I want to be positive, I find myself becoming a little frustrated. I really thought that the sickness was related to pregnancy and was getting hopeful, turns out the doctors aren’t sure what that was- could have been heartburn or a bug.

What’s even more frustrating is that I don’t have a period to even start the process of the next cycle. I limited my working out this week in hopes of alleviating stress on my body and there is still nothing to show for it.

After waiting a week after my expected period, the doctors want to put me on Provera to force a period. I am grateful there is a medication that will do this sort of thing, but I can’t help but be a little bitter that my body is not responding naturally. Plus the fact that we will have to wait another 10 days (at least) before my period will begin.

The doctor says to give it 2 weeks after the period to even start a period. My track record has been that my body responds pretty quickly after ending the 10-day Provera cycle, praying this is the case again.

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God, what are you doing? I don’t understand your plan and am trying to believe in what you have is good for us. I don’t want to lose hope, lose faith in your goodness. It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

I don’t understand your plan and am trying to believe in what you have is good for us. I don’t want to lose hope, lose faith in your goodness. It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

It’s just these down times that lead me to question what you want for my life. Maybe you don’t want us to have our own kids. If this is the case, I pray that I can accept this for us and remain open to receiving your will for our lives- your plan for how you want us to serve. If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

If it’s not through raising children, then how? Where do you want us to give of our time? Change our hearts around having kids if you don’t want us to have them. It’s too painful to want and not have… and not be able to control if we have.

Just as when I was single, I couldn’t force a marriage to happen and couldn’t make a husband appear. I just had to wait while still living my life as it presented itself to me in that moment and trust that you had a good partner for me and that you would introduce him to me in your perfect timing. You know what? You did and I am so grateful for the wait to meeting my hubby so I can take that experience and apply it to my emotions today.

I will trust you, God. I choose to, at least for today. Comfort my heart as I accept what is, today.