Commitment to the Pain

My heart is at rest and I feel a different sense of peace in my body compared to the last time around.

This morning, early, I woke with painful cramps, almost as though I was in labor. They literally took my breath away as I coached myself to breathe through the pain of the clenching abdomen.

My body is releasing all the build up from the last IVF medicine injections a few weeks back and it is more intense then I have ever had in the past.

I stand up and feel lightheaded. I sit back down and feel nauseous.

“OK, God, if this is you reminding me of the pain of childbirth, thank you and I accept the challenge and will welcome this pain again if it means having another child.”

I felt as though God wanted me to acknowledge and openly choose… declare, to Him that I will gladly go through the pains of childbirth again if it means having a second healthy baby.

I called Nurse Emily to report my cycle day 1 and wait my next steps.

She is going to give me the plan to prepare my body for a transfer of an embryo, hopeful we will hear the results soon and know what direction to take.

As I wait my next steps from her, I have to temper my thoughts.

Just because she is drawing up plans for a transfer does not mean we have an embryo to transfer.

I look to anything to ‘stand on’ to feel comfort that we will have a baby.

I’m not looking in the right place.

Just because we plan something on paper, doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed to happen.

We still have to wait to hear the genetic testing results.

We then have to prep for transfer, have the transfer, pray for implantation, pray for a positive pregnancy test, pray for a 2nd pregnancy test, pray for a confirmed ultrasound, pray for a heartbeat… and the list goes on until we get to hold that beautiful little life in our arms.

Will I go through the labor pains again, absolutely? Sign me up for the most painful experience I have ever felt… because it has brought the most rewarding outcome.

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