We return to our comfortable, cozy, familiar home in time to receive the call from Dr. B with the update on our little eggs.

My heart falls heavy, again.

It turns out we actually retrieved 17 eggs which is wonderful and 13 of them are mature, even better.

The upsetting news is that only 4 of them fertilized.

I want to cry.

If I was more naïve to this process, I would be thrilled.

“We have 4 fertilized!” I would shout.

Instead, I am full of fear and doubt and sadness and question.

“What happened?” “Why such a low fertilization number?” “What’s wrong with my eggs and Hubby’s sperm that they didn’t fertilize well?”

As you can see in the chart below, we have had high fertilization numbers in the past with zero to one healthy PGT genetically tested blastocyst (which is now our daughter).

Here’s a little comparison chart:

Year	2018	Early 2021	Spring 2021 (this cycle)
Final follicles		17	17
Eggs	20	13	17
Mature eggs	13	10	13
Fertilized eggs	12	7	4
Day 5 Blastocysts	2	1	TBD
PGT- genetic test- healthy	1	0	TBD
Pregnancy	1	0	Hopeful!

The science and the data point to this being an unsuccessful cycle and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because of the misstep by the clinic regarding the HCG trigger shot a few days ago.

24 additional hours of egg growth could have over-ripened the eggs and the eggs could have become too mature.

An additional day of ‘build up’ on Hubby’s part could have also changed the mobility of the swimmers.

A few unknowns leave me unsettled and those are questions we won’t have answers to.

I can’t control that.

What can I control?

At this point, I need to control my thoughts.

I receive this text from my dad “4 is better than none- love you!”

He is right.

I can be so grateful we have four little ones in the lab.

It just takes one!

This is a space where God can show how big of miracles he can perform. Against the science, against the numbers, He can prevail.

He is the giver of life and right now, today, he has given us 4 little ones.

Now, we must wait, in prayer.

I will pray for His will be done while also asking for these 4 to continue to grow healthy and strong and be formed perfectly for us to be able to transfer into a pregnancy.

In the same space, I learn of a friend’s miscarriage.

God, I am so sad to know the end of a life, the loss of hope.

While also planning a friend’s baby shower and celebrating the gender of another pregnant friend.

How do we hold these different emotions?

How can I feel the disappointment in my own life and not be consumed by the self-centered nature in which I so easily am drawn?

I say I want what god wants, but have a difficult time accepting what is while also staying present and grateful for the facts of what is given today.

If I were fully present and not doubting the past days or wondering what the outcome will be in a few more days, I would be excited that we have 4 little potential lives living in the lab.

God, help me accept today exactly as it is.

Help me show up for friends who are celebrating new life and new adventures while mourning with and for the loss of life.

It truly does remind me that life is not ‘fair’ and any suggestion or promise that it is comes from misguidance.

Life is.

It’s time for me to start accepting it exactly as it is.