Fertilization Report

We return to our comfortable, cozy, familiar home in time to receive the call from Dr. B with the update on our little eggs.

My heart falls heavy, again.

It turns out we actually retrieved 17 eggs which is wonderful and 13 of them are mature, even better.

The upsetting news is that only 4 of them fertilized.

I want to cry.

If I was more naïve to this process, I would be thrilled.

“We have 4 fertilized!” I would shout.

Instead, I am full of fear and doubt and sadness and question.

“What happened?” “Why such a low fertilization number?” “What’s wrong with my eggs and Hubby’s sperm that they didn’t fertilize well?”

As you can see in the chart below, we have had high fertilization numbers in the past with zero to one healthy PGT genetically tested blastocyst (which is now our daughter).

Here’s a little comparison chart:

Year2018Early 2021Spring 2021 (this cycle)
Final follicles 1717
Mature eggs131013
Fertilized eggs1274
Day 5 Blastocysts21TBD
PGT- genetic test- healthy10TBD

The science and the data point to this being an unsuccessful cycle and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because of the misstep by the clinic regarding the HCG trigger shot a few days ago.

24 additional hours of egg growth could have over-ripened the eggs and the eggs could have become too mature.

An additional day of ‘build up’ on Hubby’s part could have also changed the mobility of the swimmers.

A few unknowns leave me unsettled and those are questions we won’t have answers to.

I can’t control that.

What can I control?

At this point, I need to control my thoughts.

I receive this text from my dad “4 is better than none- love you!”

He is right.

I can be so grateful we have four little ones in the lab.

It just takes one!

This is a space where God can show how big of miracles he can perform. Against the science, against the numbers, He can prevail.

He is the giver of life and right now, today, he has given us 4 little ones.

Now, we must wait, in prayer.

I will pray for His will be done while also asking for these 4 to continue to grow healthy and strong and be formed perfectly for us to be able to transfer into a pregnancy.

In the same space, I learn of a friend’s miscarriage.

God, I am so sad to know the end of a life, the loss of hope.

While also planning a friend’s baby shower and celebrating the gender of another pregnant friend.

How do we hold these different emotions?

How can I feel the disappointment in my own life and not be consumed by the self-centered nature in which I so easily am drawn?

I say I want what god wants, but have a difficult time accepting what is while also staying present and grateful for the facts of what is given today.

If I were fully present and not doubting the past days or wondering what the outcome will be in a few more days, I would be excited that we have 4 little potential lives living in the lab.

God, help me accept today exactly as it is.

Help me show up for friends who are celebrating new life and new adventures while mourning with and for the loss of life.

It truly does remind me that life is not ‘fair’ and any suggestion or promise that it is comes from misguidance.

Life is.

It’s time for me to start accepting it exactly as it is.

More waiting makes more planning

I’ve been patiently waiting for my period to come and for the genetic testing report.

The genetic testing report takes about 10-14 days so I have plenty of time to fill with fruitless worry.

In order to calm my mind, I begin to plan out different scenarios of what could be.

Thinking positively, I am assuming the report will come back with a huge green light.

“Why wouldn’t it?” I think “Dr. B thought this blastocyst looked really healthy, even better then when we did our first round and had our sweet daughter”. I’m almost convinced.

Thinking my period would come on Wednesday, I get all prepared and start counting the days to when the FET would take place and what the due date of our baby would be.

Yes, me and my calendar again. Making trouble.

It doesn’t come.

I look to Thursday and move the FET date and due date one day.

It doesn’t come.

I think it must come Friday and move the FET date and due date one more day.

It doesn’t come.

I try to rationalize why it must come of Saturday and move the dates once more.

Each move of the day means another move to the due date for our hopeful baby. With that thought then comes all the others like, what months will I have pregnancy sickness, what months will I feel too swollen to move, what months will I be up all night with a newborn… you get the picture.

Future-tripping. Living in the future and planning, worrying, getting excited over the things that are yet to come and that actually may not ever come.

MYOB USERS – Helping you to keep track of what's due and when | Atticus  Business Accountants

My period still doesn’t come.

I am so frustrated at things I cannot control.
If it would just come so I can start the protocol and meds then it would feel more like a guarantee that we will have a baby.

That’s it! I’m looking for some comfort and assurance that we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

I’m looking for some solid ground to stand on when I feel like everything is up in the air.

My period doesn’t come.

I wake up on Sunday, defeated and decide to delete all my potential dates from my calendar.

I surrender to the process and to the timing God has for us.

I even begin to think that God is protecting us from starting the medications because He already knows the outcome of the PGS testing.

I prepare myself for this potential reality.

My period begins to come.

Monday morning, I wake up and I have my period.

Was it the letting go of control or was this just the plan all along.

All that mental energy I spent leading up to this day.

Can I bypass all this next time I’m going through something that has a bug question mark in the middle of it?

Either way, I am thrilled.

I call Conceptions to schedule my outside monitoring baseline monitoring appointment.

Conceptions will do outside monitoring for other IVF clinics in the country. I will go there instead of flying back to Atlanta for the 30-minute appointment.

I have a spring in my step.

We are starting this whole next phase and I can’t wait to get this going and on to the transfer!