We got the call.

Dr. Brahma was short and to the point. From the seven that were fertilized, one made it to day 5.

My heart sunk a little bit as I was hoping for at least 2.

I am grateful for the one though.

She mentioned how she was pleasantly surprised with the one because of our numbers that we were working with. I recall the previous conversation with her where she mentioned our attrition rates are much higher than the norm.

Our first retrieval in 2018, we had 12 fertilized and two make it to this stage. Today, we had seven fertilized and one make it.

I learned that ‘normal’ attrition is 50%.

So she seemed hopeful because this particular blastocyst is a high grade- even higher than the one we had in our first retrieval (which is now our daughter).

We jump off the phone, glad to hear to report.

We begin the two week wait for the chromosome testing (pre genetic screening- PGS/PGT-A) to see if everything is normal for us to transfer this little blastocyst back in me for a pregnancy.

In the meantime, I wait expectantly for my period to come.

I had so many hormones in my system for that stim cycle that I can feel the heat in my body.

I need to get these hormones out of me.

I have night sweats that wake me up.

Drenched in sweat, I feel the hormones racing throughout my body.

Once I get my period, I pray all of this will be washed out of me.

Hubby and I decide that since the report was so good with the grade of the blastocyst that we are going to begin the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) process as soon as I start my period.

I am anxious.

The feeling of wanting so much for this to be the plan.

Do you ever have that sense that you have an idea and timeline that makes sense and when it falls into place you think, “cool, so glad it worked out the way I thought it would”?

Well, I have that all the time.

I have the tendency to plan the future out with all the details that seems right to me.

For example: I look at my calendar and like to add things and estimate when other things will happen and I find myself in a calmer state when I have a perceived sense of control over what will happen.

The downside of this is my level of disappointment when what I had so perfectly plans doesn’t work out.

Same is true today.

I look at the calendar and plan out when I hope to get these icky hormones out of my system and what that would mean for our little one blastocyst that we hope will be our baby.

It’s not healthy thinking and it sets me up for let down. So I check myself.

Stay in the day, be present with the moment and turn off that ‘future-tripping’ brain that wants to figure everything out.