I’ve held my breath for the past 2 weeks (since our call from our IVF Dr).
Each morning I place my hand on my stomach area and say a prayer for the little one growing inside me.
At least, I hope it’s growing.
I have been playing mind games with myself since I am not feeling any side effects.
Although I do have some soreness in the chest, I began feeling this when I started the progesterone oil shots a week prior to the transfer.
My mind convinces myself that I have miscarried and that my body is not releasing it because of the extra hormone cocktail I give myself each day.
I don’t have the morning sickness and the cramping has slowed down.
I have to take a deep breath and choose to believe I am pregnant.
“I am pregnant until I hear otherwise from the doctor.”
I repeat this phrase over and over in my head.
“I am pregnant until I hear otherwise.”
I wish I could be excited.
Both Hubby and I are cautiously optimistic.
I want to be able to throw our hands in the air and jump in excitement, but there is still a long road ahead of us and we both know the realities of our journey.
This has been a four-year road and we have had a lot of letdowns.
In a very scary way, this is the farthest we have gotten on this journey and we are scared to let ourselves be open to the possibility of a good outcome out of fear of the loss if it’s not.
How can I be fully in love and protecting this little being, and completely fearful at the same time?
It hits me.
This isn’t going to go away.
So, we hit 13 weeks and we are safely into the 2nd trimester.
I have had friends who have delivered stillborn babies at 36 weeks.
Once we get to the delivery of this wonderful being and it’s healthy and screaming that beautiful scream, then there is viruses and diseases.
Once they are three and running in the yard, they might run into the street and be hit by a car.
There is always going to be something for me to worry about.
There is always going to be the choice I have to live in fear of what if or faith for what’s possible.
I want to live in faith.
I want to believe that this little being is going to make it to full-term and have 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 arms, 2 legs, healthy working organs, etc.
I choose to believe this today.
Until I hear or see for myself, that this little being isn’t what I am imagining, healthy and perfectly made, then I will live in this space of positive possibilities.
It’s interesting how much I hold onto the upcoming ultrasound.
We are 2 days away and I am not feeling anything in my stomach.
I have a head full of fear and I just want to see that heart beating on the ultrasound.
I need to see this little being alive in me.
I call some friends who help me to see that I am thinking in my state of fear and that I need to change my thinking.
This whole journey is going to be a daily return to my faith and trust in God and what he is doing in my life and in my body.
I feel a peace wash over me as I know that this little being is a gift from God and He has given this little one to me to take care of for a brief amount of time on earth.
God is the Father and I am His child, just as much as this little one inside of me is His child.
What happens to me just like what happens to this little one is in God’s hands.
I get to practice the art of surrendering on a daily basis.
Surrendering my fears and my overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
God, this is yours. Help me give this little one the nutrients it needs.
I can focus on the healthy food I eat, the rest I give my body and the exercise I enjoy.
I can’t control everything, but I can play in this little sandbox God has given me- my life and my choices.
This morning I woke up with pure queasiness. I hear different food items and want to gag.
Nothing sounds good to eat and yet I know I need to eat.
I don’t look at my meals and I just feed myself the nutrients I need.
This food is just fuel, it’s nothing tasty or enticing.
Fully neutral and that is a gift.