Fear of Miscarriage

I’ve held my breath for the past 2 weeks (since our call from our IVF Dr).

Each morning I place my hand on my stomach area and say a prayer for the little one growing inside me.

At least, I hope it’s growing.

I have been playing mind games with myself since I am not feeling any side effects.

Although I do have some soreness in the chest, I began feeling this when I started the progesterone oil shots a week prior to the transfer.

My mind convinces myself that I have miscarried and that my body is not releasing it because of the extra hormone cocktail I give myself each day.

I don’t have the morning sickness and the cramping has slowed down.

I have to take a deep breath and choose to believe I am pregnant.

“I am pregnant until I hear otherwise from the doctor.”

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I repeat this phrase over and over in my head.

“I am pregnant until I hear otherwise.”

I wish I could be excited.

Both Hubby and I are cautiously optimistic.

I want to be able to throw our hands in the air and jump in excitement, but there is still a long road ahead of us and we both know the realities of our journey.

This has been a four-year road and we have had a lot of letdowns.

In a very scary way, this is the farthest we have gotten on this journey and we are scared to let ourselves be open to the possibility of a good outcome out of fear of the loss if it’s not.

How can I be fully in love and protecting this little being, and completely fearful at the same time?

It hits me.

This isn’t going to go away.

So, we hit 13 weeks and we are safely into the 2nd trimester.
I have had friends who have delivered stillborn babies at 36 weeks.
Once we get to the delivery of this wonderful being and it’s healthy and screaming that beautiful scream, then there is viruses and diseases.

Once they are three and running in the yard, they might run into the street and be hit by a car.

There is always going to be something for me to worry about.

There is always going to be the choice I have to live in fear of what if or faith for what’s possible.

I want to live in faith.

I want to believe that this little being is going to make it to full-term and have 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 arms, 2 legs, healthy working organs, etc.

I choose to believe this today.

Until I hear or see for myself, that this little being isn’t what I am imagining, healthy and perfectly made, then I will live in this space of positive possibilities.

It’s interesting how much I hold onto the upcoming ultrasound.

We are 2 days away and I am not feeling anything in my stomach.

I have a head full of fear and I just want to see that heart beating on the ultrasound.

I need to see this little being alive in me.

I call some friends who help me to see that I am thinking in my state of fear and that I need to change my thinking.

This whole journey is going to be a daily return to my faith and trust in God and what he is doing in my life and in my body.

I feel a peace wash over me as I know that this little being is a gift from God and He has given this little one to me to take care of for a brief amount of time on earth.

God is the Father and I am His child, just as much as this little one inside of me is His child.

What happens to me just like what happens to this little one is in God’s hands.

I get to practice the art of surrendering on a daily basis.

Surrendering my fears and my overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

God, this is yours. Help me give this little one the nutrients it needs.

I can focus on the healthy food I eat, the rest I give my body and the exercise I enjoy.

I can’t control everything, but I can play in this little sandbox God has given me- my life and my choices.


This morning I woke up with pure queasiness. I hear different food items and want to gag.

Nothing sounds good to eat and yet I know I need to eat.

I don’t look at my meals and I just feed myself the nutrients I need.
This food is just fuel, it’s nothing tasty or enticing.

Fully neutral and that is a gift.

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Deleting the Numbers

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I’ve deleted all the cycle planning days on my calendar. I know, a big step for this lady who likes control… some may call me a “control ‘freak”, but hey, that’s typically useful to me to get things done. I tend to like to know what’s coming up and prepare as much as humanly possible.

After 4 rounds of Clomid, I’ve learned that there are some things (ok many things) that I just can’t control.

A new day comes every 24 hours, and a new week every 7 days… My plotting on a calendar and counting the days from Day 1 to Day 12 to Day 16 to Day 25 to Day 35 is not helpful. If anything it’s caused me more angst in anticipation and worry for no reason.

I also, know that I have heard from many people the art of relaxation. When people let go and relax, things seem to happen more smoothly.

In an act of relaxation, I take a deep breath as I close my eyes. Getting my mind focused on what’s really going on.  My life is not all about me and what I want. There is more to my life than being a mom and for today, this is where God wants me to be.

The root of this control is fear.

  • Fearful that I won’t be able to have my own children and fearful of being left out of the rest of the ‘experience’ of mommy-hood.
  • Fearful that if/when we adopt I won’t be able to love them as my own flesh and blood.
  • Fearful that we won’t even be able to adopt because of how expensive it is and that we won’t be able to experience the joys of growing our own family.
  • Fearful that my friends will move into this stage and I will be left behind, yearning to be apart of it, but completely helpless in making it happen.

One thing I know for sure is God is love and He cares for me. I shall not be afraid. Fear is not from God and although I may have those fearful thoughts, they don’t serve me to think about them and ruminate over them. It’s best for me to let those thoughts out of my head and turn my thinking into gratitude for the things I do have and the blessings in my life.

I’m grateful for:

  • a house to live in
  • a husband to love
  • friends who care about me
  • a career I enjoy
  • the opportunity to serve others
  • 10 fingers, 10 toes, legs that walk, arms that move
  • a car to drive and gas in the tank

I choose to delete all 1’s, 12’s, 16’s, 25’s and 35’s from my calendar.

I used these to help us plan out when we would be going through future cycles. What I’ve learned through this past few weeks is that my body does not work on a traditional calendar and therefore I cannot predict things one way or another. I have to just be in the experience, taking in the moment as it is and not looking for the next to be the answer.

A small way I can let go and just be in the process.