Fear of Miscarriage

I’ve held my breath for the past 2 weeks (since our call from our IVF Dr).

Each morning I place my hand on my stomach area and say a prayer for the little one growing inside me.

At least, I hope it’s growing.

I have been playing mind games with myself since I am not feeling any side effects.

Although I do have some soreness in the chest, I began feeling this when I started the progesterone oil shots a week prior to the transfer.

My mind convinces myself that I have miscarried and that my body is not releasing it because of the extra hormone cocktail I give myself each day.

I don’t have the morning sickness and the cramping has slowed down.

I have to take a deep breath and choose to believe I am pregnant.

“I am pregnant until I hear otherwise from the doctor.”

Image result for fear of miscarriage after ivf

I repeat this phrase over and over in my head.

“I am pregnant until I hear otherwise.”

I wish I could be excited.

Both Hubby and I are cautiously optimistic.

I want to be able to throw our hands in the air and jump in excitement, but there is still a long road ahead of us and we both know the realities of our journey.

This has been a four-year road and we have had a lot of letdowns.

In a very scary way, this is the farthest we have gotten on this journey and we are scared to let ourselves be open to the possibility of a good outcome out of fear of the loss if it’s not.

How can I be fully in love and protecting this little being, and completely fearful at the same time?

It hits me.

This isn’t going to go away.

So, we hit 13 weeks and we are safely into the 2nd trimester.
I have had friends who have delivered stillborn babies at 36 weeks.
Once we get to the delivery of this wonderful being and it’s healthy and screaming that beautiful scream, then there is viruses and diseases.

Once they are three and running in the yard, they might run into the street and be hit by a car.

There is always going to be something for me to worry about.

There is always going to be the choice I have to live in fear of what if or faith for what’s possible.

I want to live in faith.

I want to believe that this little being is going to make it to full-term and have 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 arms, 2 legs, healthy working organs, etc.

I choose to believe this today.

Until I hear or see for myself, that this little being isn’t what I am imagining, healthy and perfectly made, then I will live in this space of positive possibilities.

It’s interesting how much I hold onto the upcoming ultrasound.

We are 2 days away and I am not feeling anything in my stomach.

I have a head full of fear and I just want to see that heart beating on the ultrasound.

I need to see this little being alive in me.

I call some friends who help me to see that I am thinking in my state of fear and that I need to change my thinking.

This whole journey is going to be a daily return to my faith and trust in God and what he is doing in my life and in my body.

I feel a peace wash over me as I know that this little being is a gift from God and He has given this little one to me to take care of for a brief amount of time on earth.

God is the Father and I am His child, just as much as this little one inside of me is His child.

What happens to me just like what happens to this little one is in God’s hands.

I get to practice the art of surrendering on a daily basis.

Surrendering my fears and my overdeveloped sense of responsibility.

God, this is yours. Help me give this little one the nutrients it needs.

I can focus on the healthy food I eat, the rest I give my body and the exercise I enjoy.

I can’t control everything, but I can play in this little sandbox God has given me- my life and my choices.


This morning I woke up with pure queasiness. I hear different food items and want to gag.

Nothing sounds good to eat and yet I know I need to eat.

I don’t look at my meals and I just feed myself the nutrients I need.
This food is just fuel, it’s nothing tasty or enticing.

Fully neutral and that is a gift.

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The Invasive Question

I have been honest with my emotions and open about this journey to virtually everyone I know. I have hoped that by sharing my story and being real with how hard this has been for me, it may help another feel as though they are not alone and more importantly, help others understand the fertility… or in my case, lack of fertility, journey people can experience.

So today, I get real with you again.

I feel pregnant.

I know…. eek, right?!

BUT

I am scared as it’s not confirmed by my doctor and the blood test will be in a few days.

My body feels tired and at times I feel crampy pressure.

It’s a very real possibility and I want to be excited, but it’s not the right time for it yet.


I have become incredibly sensitive to people asking about the IVF process and when we are going to transfer. (This is prior to people actually knowing that we transferred).

“So when are you going to transfer?”

A totally legitimate question, but that also means they know when we will find out and then they know when the most vulnerable stage of the pregnancy is, when miscarriage is still a very real possibility and when I am not sure I want just anyone knowing.

I’m not ready for everyone to know that we have actually already transferred.

The little Maxee is not frozen in Maryland.

Maxee is actually inside of me.

I feel like a lier as I’m not telling the full truth and the question actually stings.

It’s as though I have been walking around in a bikini, being vulnerable and open, and now I just want to wear a sundress and people keep asking to see my bikini.

Violated isn’t the right word, but it is interesting how my emotions and sensitivities have shifted.

I feel it’s because I am at the most vulnerable stage of this whole process.

Image result for pregnancy test unknown

The embryo is in me and I am waiting in anticipation of what the result will be and the result itself is raw and vulnerable and potentially life-changing.

We are nearing the pinnacle point in this whole journey.

Are we pregnant? My fear is that we aren’t.

It’s not my friends and family’s fault for asking about the transfer date, they have been invited into this journey.


This whole process has been so MEDICAL and SCIENTIFIC and I am just wanting to have some sense of NORMALCY when it comes to the allure of pregnancy.

To be able to surprise friends and family.

To share in the excitement of the good (GREAT) news.

What I can offer is that I will let you know as soon as I want you to know what’s going on.

I have up until this point, haven’t I?

If I can offer any points of advice from my experience this week is this:

If you know someone going through IVF and they get to this stage when they know how many emby-babies they have frozen, might you consider not asking WHEN they will transfer, but instead mention you understand this is a vulnerable time and are here for when they want to share any further developments.

I thought I would be open, but this is something I want to experience with Hubby and be able to share the news when we are ready.


My hormones and the extra shots of hormones each morning must really be getting at me.

I am shut off from being able to express joy other people’s IVF successes at this moment. My head says, “good for you, I hope I get to have the same.”

Yes, it’s a little sulky and salty right now and I know it’s my fear.

I feel too vulnerable and it’s out of my control if this embryo stays inside me.

There is also jealousy for the fact that other people are beyond this unknown stage and able to show the world their baby-bump.

I’m not there yet.

These last few days have been quiet, I have enjoyed the slowness of this season, giving my energy to the growth of the hopeful little one.

The next time I write, we will know the results of the blood test!

The 2WW is REAL!

This 2WW (two-week wait) is not a joke. I had read about it prior to our transfer and thought to myself, I’ll be ok, I’ve been waiting long enough… I can do 2 more weeks.

This seems like a different kind of waiting.

(Maybe I’m just making that up in my head or trying to justify it).

We returned from the transfer 7 days ago and I have been feeling every single twinge and cramp as though it means something.Image result for 2 week wait

I am exhibiting all the signs I read about and it could be:

a) that I’m pregnant or b) that the hormones I’m taking are working.

I have had weird cramps, but not really period cramps, over the first few days after the transfer (is that implantation cramping?).

I didn’t bleed at all. Dr. O said I probably wouldn’t because of the progesterone oil.

Oh yes, those shots continue… every morning.

I feel like I have gotten used to the pain and now my bottom just feels sore all the time, like I completed a good squatting and lunge workout yesterday and am feeling the effects.

I’ve started warming up the oil by placing it in between my legs in my lap while I do my quiet time in the morning. The nurse said it helps to make the oil body temperature. I also am sitting on the heating pad after.

I do have soreness and tenderness in another area, but this could be the hormones too.

Unfortunately, there is nothing conclusive except for a pregnancy test that will say for sure.

How many days past the FET (frozen embryo transfer) must we wait?

Well, we have a blood test scheduled by Dr. O for 2 weeks after the FET (meaning next week), by that point there should be no doubt of pregnancy.

BUT… I have read others taking a home pregnancy test (HPT) as early as 5 days after a day 5 FET. Meaning, our embryo grew in the clinic until day 5 before being frozen, tested, thawed, and transferred, so the thought is little Coffee Bean implanted 36 hours – 2 days after the FET and has been connected to my body ever since.

So, we did what I think all people would do, we ordered the HPT that detects early pregnancy and will most likely test in a day or two… wait a few days… tests again… and then have the blood test.

I know, I know. We could wait one more week, as the doctor recommended… but she didn’t say NOT to do the HPT. 🙂 Plus, one week seems like such a long time!

I actually have gotten used to the unknown space we are in and am choosing to believe that we are pregnant and have been talking to Maxee and praying for Maxee to grow healthy.

Either way, we will know soon enough.

What are we doing in the meantime?

Well, we have google searched FET day 6, day 7, day 8 and pretty much learned about the implantation process and the growth of the placenta.

The next phase will be the brain, heart, spinal cord and gastrointestinal tract. SO cool to learn how these things start to form.

I am at peace knowing that we either are pregnant and have 9 months of change to look forward to… or we will gear up for round 2 of IVF and begin preparing my body for the next retrieval.

I am ready to be pregnant and to bring a little one into this world… my heart is hopeful but protected.

Deep breath… calm heart. All is well.