Shades of Pink

I am so sad. My tears won’t stop flowing and I can’t tell which emotions are causing which tears.

Yesterday afternoon, I began to feel a little ‘sensation’ down there and I thought it was strange. When I checked, there were clear, pink and brown colors on the tissue and then came a little bit of cramping. What is this?

Am I getting my period? I am so confused.


Five days ago, my progesterone levels were checked, all good!

Praise God, no need for medication this week.

Dr. said we should test in 7 days.

Roger that!

I have been gaining a couple of pounds (intentionally) to try and encourage healthy growth of this little bean and also not hitting the gym as I usually do.

By nightfall, I have felt sluggish and exhausted as though the minute I closed my eyes, I would fall into a deep slumber.

My body was roasting at night and I would kick off covers. There were a few nights of restless sleep.

Strange for me. I am notorious for my deep, long sleeping patterns. In fact, most people are envious of my ability to sleep anytime, anywhere.

What’s up?

Am I pregnant?

That would explain a lot of this.

The LONG dreaded wait of 2 weeks between ovulation and HCG surge indicating the potential pregnancy.

I won’t be making the same mistake as a few cycles back where we tested too early and the pregnancy tests picked up the remanences of the HCG trigger shot.

Seven days it is… we wait.


Here we are, back at 2 days before we are supposed to test and I am Google searching implantation bleeding… is this it?

Possibly!

It’s described as 10-12 days after ovulation (today is day 13) and masks itself like a period with bleeding and cramping.

I actually might be pregnant.

Eek!

I take a cheapo pregnancy test.

One line.

BUGGER!

But you know what, this might just be too early to tell. It takes a few days for the hormone levels to rise after implantation so if this is actually implantation bleeding, it wouldn’t show up on a test.

There’s still a chance?!

Ok, don’t get your hopes up. Stay calm and patient as you wait 2 more days… then you’ll know for sure.


I woke up this morning and I continue to bleed.

My cramping is worst than yesterday and I begin to think this might be a period instead.

I do the math… today is 34 days since I began taking the Letrozole so even though I had a late ovulation, this would be in line with an elongated period cycle.

It actually just might be a period.

I am torn.

What do I believe?

Is this a period or is it implantation bleeding?

Why can’t someone give me an answer?

I must wait until tomorrow to take the test.

Dr G said to call with results and he would guide from there.

I don’t want to have to go through another round of tests and ultrasounds and medication that makes my face hurt with acne.

Oh my I feel overwhelmed with emotion.

No wonder I’m crying.

I return home from being out and get the news that some of our closest friends are pregnant.

I am thrilled for them, really.

But inside, I don’t know how to handle this. Emotions are swarming. My chest is tight.

I call to congratulate and feel the tears welling.

I quickly say my good-byes.

Why God?

This isn’t fair.

darkness.jpg

I am sorry, I feel like I have been patient and open to trusting your timing and this process. But I don’t get it?

Why can some people get pregnant after a few months and then there are people like me? Years.

 

What did I do to deserve this? Am I really that ‘bad’ of a person?

 What is wrong with me and what can I do to fix myself to be able to get pregnant?

The questions swarm my head like an agitated beehive.

I close my eyes to calm my thoughts. I breathe in, hold, and breathe out.

I know that I really didn’t DO anything wrong, but man it feels like I did.

 

It hurts to even think about the idea of needing to accept that we might not have our own biological children.

I’m not ready for that.

But how many more rounds of this am I able to tolerate?

God, I need you so much right now.

When there are no answers, I yearn for your loving support and assurance.

 

(Hilary, you’ll be okay, I have you, I know what’s best for you and I know what lies ahead. I know this is hard, I know this doesn’t make sense to you, but I know what I’m doing, do you trust me?)

Yes, I do. I trust and I have faith and I do believe that if I continue doing what’s placed in front of me then I will be on a good path in life.

Taking one step at a time.

For today, I sit here in this space of unknown.

Not overlooking the fact that if this is a period, it came on its own!

Need I remind myself that less than a year ago, I was having to take medication to force a period to occur in order to even start a new round of trying.

Today, if it is a period, I can be grateful that it happened naturally.

Truth is, I don’t know if I’m not pregnant.

I still might be, possibly.

Then I’d really feel like a doof feeling all this emotion and animosity towards God for no reason.

I just have to wait until tomorrow and see what is revealed.


Tomorrow has come and it is now today.

I don’t have a good feeling about the test.

One line.

Not pregnant.

The reality is confirmed.

I cry and feel down. I take a nap.

I wake up. Shower. Make some connections with dear friends and continue to feel my feelings.

I am sad.

I really don’t want to go through another round of this, but I will.

I have to.

It’s the only way right now.

I call my Dr.

He wants me to do a pregnancy test through a blood draw and complete an ultrasound in order to clear me for the next round of Letrozole.

This will start tomorrow.

7 days of Letrozole at 7.5mg… upping the dose a bit.

My weight is slightly up from normal and I am hoping this will help cultivate a good nesting environment this time around.

I take a walk in the sunshine. Soak in the warmth and feel Gods presence.

I am not alone.

The feelings are there and I am grateful that I can feel today.

Grateful I have a period to start a new cycle and grateful that I have the sunshine on my face.

I am alive and this brings new hope.

Reality Hurts

sadness-07.jpgWhat I thought would be a simple visit to the OBGYN with an ultrasound to clear me to start another round of Clomid (just like all the others I’ve had) turned into a dose of painful reality.

“You may want to make an appointment with the fertility clinics, we may have done all we can do at this level.”

This will be round number four of Clomid (round five if you count the first one when I didn’t have any follicle growth) and my doctor is a little more hesitant than she has been in the past.

Typically, she prescribes four to five rounds, sometimes six, before referring patients to a fertility clinic based on data that shows after three rounds, the success rate actually goes down.

Defeated

My heart is low as I have been hoping that we would get pregnant with Clomid and not need to advance to the fertility clinic world of systems where patients become just another number. I have friends who have been through and are currently patients at two of the top fertility clinics in Colorado, one is the top in the US… all report feeling as though they are just another number.

There is a desire for me to feel unique and special, as though someone truly cares about what I’ve been through and will ensure the care necessary for our success in growing a family.

I don’t want to be lumped into the group of just another person with “XYZ” diagnosis and then carted along without really being known and understood.

Fear

It costs more money to go to a fertility clinic. Is it worth the cost? Would our money be served better going towards adoption? how far are we willing to go for our own DNA into a child?

I’m scared we won’t have the money to pay for all that they are asking.

I’m scared we won’t get pregnant and I’ll have to feel the pain of accepting we won’t have our own biological child.

I’m scared it won’t work for me. Proving I’m even more broken than I have known to be.

Support

Incredible community of people I can lean on. Nothing anyone does or says really helps at this point. I don’t really want to talk about it but I also don’t want to stuff it down. There isn’t anything anyone can say or do at this point to help, except just to listen when I am feeling up to talk about it.

This type of comfort does not come from here, it needs to come from within and above.

I just need to “be” for a little. Quieting the crashing waves inside my soul, to be at peace in knowing my truth and accepting what “is” for me today.

You can find me snuggled on my couch, under a blanket with a book and journal and music in the background. I’ll come out when I’m ready.

Questions

If something is not coming to you naturally, how far do you push to make it happen? It’s been said that if It comes easy then it’s Gods will because He’s making it happen. If it’s not happening then to accept it as it is and trust that God will bring it if it’s supposed to.

So how do you know when to stop trying? Stop putting in the effort. We can do our 1%, so when does it become clear that the efforts are no longer needed?

Gratitude

There is a possibility that we won’t need to go down the fertility clinic route. I still have one round of Clomid to go before this referral takes place (possibly 2 if we can convince our doctor).

I am grateful there are fertility clinics available to go to and that I will get to be a number on the patient list. Born in a different time or in a different country, I may not have this option.

Focusing on today and the possibility of this round being ‘the one’ while praying for a healthy body, mind, and spirit through these next few weeks.

Grateful for my life as it is today. Enjoying all the moments that I DO HAVE in front of me as opposed to looking at what I want and don’t yet have. Focusing on the amazing gifts of this life.

Prayer

Seeing that I can’t force myself to become pregnant and can’t ‘do’ anything more to ‘make’ it happen, I turn to prayer. Knowing God is amazingly miraculous with His ways and can do anything, I’ve seen it. I believe in Him and trust in what his timing and plans will be for Hubby and me.

As I take the day 5 Clomid medication, I place my hands on my stomach and pray for healthy follicles and eggs to be growing inside of me. I pray for any negativity to be washed away from my body and for Hubby’s swimmers to be strong and ready when the time comes.

This I CAN do.

And really, this is all I can do.

Emotional rollercoaster

emotional-roller-coaster.jpgWe didn’t even have to debate how long we should wait until we take a pregnancy test. I woke up today with an achy back and knew that something was going to happen and sure enough it did! I got a period.

What a mixture of emotions. I’m not really sure how to think or feel at the moment.

I was really thinking that we were pregnant this time around and what is frustrating is we are doing EVERYTHING we are supposed to be doing to make it work and it’s not working.

What are we doing wrong or what is wrong with my body that the egg (if there is one inside these follicles we are seeing) is not meeting up with the sperm (which have said to be strong) and then implanting in the uterine lining (that I’m wearing estrogen patches for to build the thickness).

What are we missing? Why haven’t we become pregnant and how much longer do we have to go through these ups and downs.

I’m starting to question how many rounds of fertility my mind and heart can take.

Getting so hopeful and being positive for what could be this time around is helpful, but tiring. I’m tired of the letdown and the emotions that come with knowing that there is not a baby forming this month.

And there may not ever be. We won’t know that until we walk this path for a while.

I am super excited to have a period, don’t miss that. This means I don’t have to go through 10 days of Provera (progesterone) to force a period. My body is actually reacting normally right now which is positive.

Might this be the month then, if I’m reacting normally and we are on a higher dose of Clomid?

We visit the doctor this week to get checked out and decide our course of action.

Am I ready (mentally) to do another round? God, do you want us to keep trying with all the doctor interventions?

Sometimes I question if we are supposed to simply let go altogether of the medications and the doctor’s appointments and let God work his miracles completely on his own… I mean, he is powerful enough, right?