Emotional Waterworks

These small little blueberry pills certainly are doing their job!

Over the past 10 days, I have become more emotional and the side effects are growing more pronounced.

My body parts are sore; my skin feels bloated and I have gained about 10 lbs. since starting this whole process with the hormones.

I enjoy a good heart-pounding, sweat dripping workout.

In hopes of fostering a warm, safe environment, I have elected to not go on my regular jogs and am taming down my workouts to help my body be relaxed.

Not moving my body as regularly, I feel stiff and achy.

I may need to rethink this.

It’s been just about 2 weeks since the HCG trigger shot and I am trying not to get my hopes up for the next couple of days and I am instructed to test 2 weeks after the HCG shot.

That is…. if I don’t see red before.

I’m praying I don’t see red.

My womb area is crampy and sore and I am hoping that is implantation cramps and not period, but at this point, I lean towards the latter.

My mind is already going to the “what if I see red?” and my heart falls with discouragement.

Hubby reminds me to keep my head in the neutral, but it’s so hard to do when my body is constantly sending me signals to direct my attention back to the thought of baby vs period.

It’s been an emotional week.

Everything seemed to unlock the tears from my eyes.waterworks.jpg

My sobs were deep and my heart was heavy for all the unknowns and fears that come with. Facebook is no longer my friend.

The baby update pictures, the birth announcements.

It’s just too hard for me this week.

A couple very close to us is pregnant. They share their joys of the heartbeat.

I am overjoyed for them. What a miracle.

My eyes drop. My sadness builds. Will we have a miracle?

God, I pray we do.

I am constantly reminded this is not something we can produce, but something you gift to us.

I trust you, God. I don’t always understand you.

At times these emotions feel too much to handle.

We watched Breathe (highly recommend it). Had me in tears, that gut pulling sob.

I needed that. Get the emotions out.

Let the tears fall.


The morning is here. I am ready to test.

We have not seen red and I am cautiously optimistic.

It is possible.

I hold my breath, close my eyes and say a prayer.

God, may your will be done. Help me accept whatever you have for us this month.

I sense my heart drop. I don’t think I’m pregnant.

Waiting the full 3 minutes to see if anything changes.

It doesn’t.

We are not pregnant.

My eyes fall heavy, my shoulders drop.

There are no tears left to shed at this moment.

I just feel sadness overwhelm me.

Before I know it, I begin praying for red.

Praying that I will get a period so that we can start the next round.

I remember less than a year ago when we wanted so much to see red to be able to have a chance with a cycle.

Here I am again.

God, if it’s not your will for us to be pregnant… if this is not the right time. Please bring me a period to begin again.


I simply resume.

Fully surrender. There is nothing we can do right now.

I head to the gym. Stepping on the machines, I begin to crank out the sweat. Get all this yuck out of me. Move my body. Let it breathe and flow and feel alive.

I lift weights. Feels so good to work my muscles.
It’s been too long since I really gave myself the space to pour it all out.

Cleansing my body, I return to the gym for the rest of the week. I need a healthier starting point for this next cycle.

The red does come, praise God! I don’t have to do 10 days of medication to force the period.

We begin again.

 

 

 

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