I spent the weekend (days 10-12) praying for my ovaries to produce an egg and preparing my uterine wall for a cushy space to nest the little one.

On day 12 I woke up to a blinking smiley face on my ovulation stick. Excited to see this because it means my body is reacting and in the next few days this blinking smiley should turn into a solid and that means I’m ovulating! I can’t help but think there are one or more eggs developing in there and am excited to think I could have twins.

Day 13– Ultra Sound

Still a blinking smiley face and the opportunity to take a look at what’s going on in there. My husband and I show up to the appointment as though we are going to meet our little one… hopeful parents, just to be disappointed.

Not only were there no follicles to be found, the technician couldn’t see any signs of PCOS (WHAT?!) and there was a large cyst-type matter which the technician believes is on the outside of my uterus (WHAT?!). I’m beyond confused at this point and quite discouraged. What was all that sick feeling about if the Clomid wasn’t DOING anything?

 My uterine lining was only 4cm and by this point needed to be closer to 8cm so they slapped an estrogen patch on me and said to come back in 2 days for another ultrasound… okay, I am a bit concerned.

 Day 15– Ultra Sound number 2

Canceled based on the fact that there was still a blinking smiley face… not ovulating. But what was that cyst? Will that be in the way of me getting pregnant?

Day 16– Blinking Smiley face

I’m starting to hate this blinking smiley face. What seemed so hopeful a few days ago is now flashing at me, saying to me “your body’s not working… your body’s not working…” Maybe I’ll ovulate late? I’ve heard this happens. People ovulate on day 18 or 20… I’ll keep peeing on this stick, not the first pee of the day like is suggested on the box, but the 2nd or 3rd as recommended by my doctor. Keep the faith, God is in control, He knows the timing and process in which all this happens.

**Side note- today I was reminded of the frailty of life and how small and out of our hands, our lives truly are. As much as I want to calculate and prescribe every movement and date of this process, I am humbled to know that God is in control… and I am not. I can plan all I want, God is still in control of my life and what goes on around me. I have to let go of planning… I know this to be true, I’m just stumped on how I do this on a regular basis.

Day 17– Blinking… maybe I need to accept that this month is not the month of our start to a family. I can see that it has been a good process to go through and in many ways may be preparing my body for what’s to come. This month is a practice round.

Day 18- Blinking. Ok, maybe the stick thing is broken.

I mean, I have a couple of friends who told me they got pregnant even though their ovulation indicator never detected ovulation… so maybe that’s true for me too? My husband has been so patient with me as I have all these thoughts and hypotheses as to what is going on in my body. We continue to follow the doctor’s schedule of being with each other every other day so there is a possibility that an egg slipped by and all these thoughts are for no reason because there is a little one growing inside (hey, it’s a possibility). Is that why my stomach feels crampy today? Possibly. Anything is possible. I do know that is a fact. So I will continue to wait. My doctor wanted me to call tomorrow to give an update on what happened this weekend to decide if I will continue wearing the estrogen patch. A part of me hopes she says to let it all go for the remainder of this month and that we will start again next month. Feeling a bit let down, and yet not surprised. When I keep my expectations low… I tend to not be let down too much.

Day 19– Blinking… I’m not smiling.

That darn thing keeps smiling at me, but I’m not smiling. Hoping the stick is broken, I call my doctor for the next steps. Her suggestion felt flat.

“Wait until day 35 and if I don’t have a period then to test to see if I’m pregnant. If not, we will start on Progesterone for 10 days to force the second period and then double the dose of Clomid for a 2nd round.”

That’s it.

This month of trying is over and we have to wait until the next…