The cramps, the aches, the diarrhea (icky I know).

My friends didn’t bat an eye when I shared with them how badly my back ached and how my stomach cramps left me crouched over on the couch because, for them, this is something that happens each month, year after year.

For me, this is rare and these physical pains are REAL people. My bloatedness didn’t help as I just wanted to lay on the couch and wallow in my blah-ness. I felt as though someone had pumped a gallon of water and air into my body and I was expanding by the minute. Not to mention the crampy zingers that felt as though electric charges were surging in my lower stomach area, but you know what… it meant things were right on track.

My body reacted to the birth control perfectly. I was a bit nervous to think that I wouldn’t get the withdrawal bleed that my doctor needed in order for me to stake my DAY 1 date, but all went as hoped and I am now sitting here in my period week.

I must say, this isn’t fun. I have so much gratitude for all the years I have bypassed this monthly womanly routine. At this time though, its all worth it if I’m able to bear a child.

I am to start Clomid on day 5 and take it the same time each day until day 9. Then on day 10, start being intentionally intimate with my husband each day until I have a positive ovulation from the ovulation stick. This will encourage us to enjoy each other every other day for a couple days…

The doctor has given me the instructions and I must be honest… I’m now starting to calculate my due date. If I get pregnant this month then I will deliver in the spring and that just sets off my mind.

(warning, my thoughts are about to get a little crazy)

I know there is no good time to have a baby, but the control in me is coming out. I went from wanting to have a baby to now wanting to choose when I want the baby to come. Not in March because my husband is a CPA and in tax-season, not in April, because that month already has my birthday and my moms, not in May or June because I want to be able to travel on this annual girls trip I take, so July… that’s when I want to deliver.

What that means though is that I won’t become pregnant until October… meaning I have started this whole process WAY too early.

I rationalize that I started this process because I knew my body wouldn’t respond the first time around and that I would need additional tweaking of the medication and potential addition of extra medication in order to carry a baby full term. So I built in a 4-month trial-buffer for my doctor to get it right so to speak for the actual pregnancy to occur in October.

Listen to myself, I know, insane. I am a human who at the core struggles with control born out of fear.

I’m talking as if I have any control over this, wanting to have a baby, on my terms, on my timeframe. If we have a baby in July or August then I will have plenty of time to recover before ski season. Oh my, sometimes I just have to laugh at how crazy my thoughts can run.

–I’m working on letting this control go.–