Shady Grove

The quiet brings peace.

Like a fine wine, I gave myself permission to let this information breath.

Give this decision some space in my mind.

When I quiet my mind and body, I can hear that small voice.

It is clear that going abroad is not sitting well with me. Doing IVF stateside is my truth.

Hubby is clear that doing IVF here in Colorado is not an option. That is his truth.

Shady Grove in Maryland is our only option for IVF.

If we do not agree with this, then we will have to agree to disagree and move onto adoption.

We have a phone consult with Dr. O’Brien at Shady Grove Fertility in Maryland. We had heard of this clinic at the 4^th of July party we attended in July and kept is as an option for a few reasons, they:

have high success rates (higher than CCRM & Conceptions in many categories).
offer a shared risk program where we could pay a flat rate and receive up to 6 embryo transfers, if we do not have a live birth then we are refunded 100% of our medical costs (not including medicine). Other clinics offer a shared risk, but they only return 60-80%.
are in a Mandate state. There are 15 states that are “Mandate states” which cover infertility treatments. This helps keep the out-of-pocket costs low.

The conversation was a breath of fresh air.

Her review of my labs and all that we have already done up until this point helped me relax into what her recommendations were for how she would proceed.

She impressed me.

She confirmed that although I do NOT have PCOS, I have many symptoms that would lead people to believe that I do.

She is not going to diagnose me as the goal is to get pregnant, not figure out my issues.

I understand this and I would agree that although it would be great to ‘fix’ me, I just want to become pregnant and have a healthy baby.

Interestingly enough, Dr. O’Brien and Dr. G. completed their Fellowship together. Small world!

Her approach to ‘pull out all the stops’ with me is also calming.

We aren’t here to mess around.

The phone consult ended with her giving follow-up action steps and before the end of the day, my inbox was full of information from her nurse.

I return to my peaceful place.

It’s not the time to make any decisions.

We have 3 months before we would need to take any action- at CCRM or at Shady Grove… or adoption.

I give this back to you God.

When I close my eyes and quiet my mind, I hear God say, ‘trust me, you don’t need to do IVF, you will have your own children.’

What does this mean?

Can I trust this?

I’m scared to write this as I don’t want to commit myself to anything certain.

I don’t want to do IVF if, in the end, we won’t get pregnant and God knows this already and is trying to tell me.

I also don’t know how much I trust this voice.

As I look back over my life, I know the voice is there but have I always trusted it?

Have there been times when I’ve trusted that voice and made a decision based off of it, and then regretted it?

I can’t remember.

Taking some time away from all of this and just sitting quietly for the next few months will be a good approach.

If there is any way for us to do it earlier, then I will take action, knowing that God is with me.

It doesn’t feel right to continue. We have been praying over the past 8 cycles for God to gift us with a baby and the answer has not been in the direction of my desire. Is it me? Might I be too stressed with other responsibilities and commitments in my life that I am holding myself back from being able to conceive? My drive to create and do in life is a beautiful thing. Yet, it can quickly move into overdrive as I commit to doing too many things at one time, not leaving as much time to sit and be, rest and relax. Although I feel I have been slowing down so much more than I have in my previous years, I question if it’s been enough.

I can’t go down that road of ‘what if’ and so I will stop that line of thinking.

I emailed Dr G., asking his guidance as to what to do next. This downtime has been good for me to gain neutrality and a little perspective as I’m not ‘in’ the mix of medications and doctors appointments. It feels good to relax from it all.

Quite honestly, I was relieved when I received the response from Dr G.

It’s time to move forward into IVF, per his recommendation, stating we have tried many times and with the results thus far it’s the next step.

Not what I want to hear as I’m not sure I can justify spending the amount of money that has been quoted for IVF here in the States.

What I do know is that a child is a priceless gift and $20-50,000 may seem like pennies in the long-run. How will this work? I am still torn with what to do.

Why can’t someone just give me the answer? To do IVF or to adopt?

Hubby and I share opinions around IVF and come to the same conclusion, that we are both open to exploring the idea.

I can’t say I don’t feel uncomfortable as I know IVF is taking fertility to the next level and I want to be careful not to be putting my hope, fully into the world of medicine.

It’s a miracle that we cannot place an egg and sperm together

Now the options are between adoption and IVF.

I will begin my research on the varieties of clinics and pay scales associated with IVF.

This is where things stand:

We have looked into the following clinics and have set up consults with doctors in each clinic. Gather as much information as possible, that’s what I know to do.

CCRM (Colorado)
Conceptions (Colorado)
Dr. Trout (Colorado)
Shady Grove (Maryland)
ReProfit (Czech Republic)

We shall see what each says.

God help us to know your will and direction in this process. There are so many decisions to make and I don’t want to go down a road that is not going to be fruitful. I surrender this to you, Lord.