PCOS

All Natural!

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Wahoo! I got a period, all on my own.

Not the reaction my husband thought I would give when I told him the news. Yes, I am bummed that we aren’t pregnant this month, BUT I got a period ON MY OWN.

Yes, I am bummed that we aren’t pregnant this month, BUT I got a period ON MY OWN.

This is huge and wonderful as I’ve been wanting my body to have some more normalcy through this process, as opposed to simply reacting to the medications the doctors give me.

It seems as though the last two cycles, my body has been sleeping and each medication is like waking from a nap, not knowing what time of day it is, what day it is, how long you’ve been sleeping… confusion and then reaction. There are times when I will wake from a nap in a panic that I’ve missed something. That fearful panic is real, for a moment.

I just wonder if this is how my body is responding to the medication… like it’s being woken up from a nap and it’s in reaction mode. In some ways, forced to perform.

When things are forced, it’s not as easy and free-flowing.

BUT, with a natural period, my body did it all on its own!

I didn’t have to take Provera to force a bleed and so maybe this month my body will bring its “A” game, functioning out of natural process versus medically induced.

I will take Clomid to help with the ovulation process, but maybe this time, I won’t need to be ‘triggered’ for ovulation… is it possible that my body is fully awake this month?

I am hopeful today.

This past month has been a turning point for me.

I will admit, for many months and years now I have not been too excited to enter into parenthood. I have seen others around me become parents and observe the shift in life and I have not been too motivated to want that life change for myself. If anything, I return to my safe space in my house relieved I don’t have children running around.

I have felt like a bad woman, like I have a horrible heart, for not pining after a baby like I hear many of my friends comment as they have strong desires for their own babies.

I am really happy in my life with my husband and am incredibly content with the life of 2.

Yes, I do want to have a family and have people I get to help grow and influence and love. Sitting back, watching them grow, explore, learn.

I am afraid of the sacrifice.

Giving all of me to someone else who is completely dependent on me. I am scared I won’t be able to receive the responsibility well and that I will push my children away.

They are so malleable and I don’t want to mess them up with my own fears and insecurities, or my own missteps. Lord knows I make enough willful decisions on my own, let alone affecting another person.

Maybe being a parent will help me become a better version of myself.

I don’t know how I will behave when there is someone else who needs me continuously. I want to say to them, “Stop it!”, “Figure it out on your own!”

Where is the compassion, love, patience, tolerance in that? I don’t feel ready. Will I ever be ready?

I guess not, no one really is ready.

I know how much children can cause a rift in the parents, in the marriage. I like my marriage and I don’t want to be too tired to engage with my husband. I don’t want to give so much to my children that I don’t have anything to give to him.

It’s not that I don’t want kids. It’s that I’m scared of myself and the unknowns of what that role and responsibility will look like in my day in and day out life routine.

Over the past few weeks though, I have been able to push aside the fears and see the beauty of holding and caring for another human being. I have begun to get excited to be a mom and to recognize how much of a gift it will be to raise another person.

Trigger Shot

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

Day 15
In hopeful anticipation, we go in for another ultrasound to see what’s going on. The technician entertains our questions about follicles and eggs. I will admit I don’t remember much from the reproduction section of my health class over 20 years ago so it was insightful to learn more about what’s going on inside my body.

I do remember that each female is born with all the eggs they will have in their lifetime. So I was unsure of what role a follicle plays.

Apparently, follicles grow inside the ovary and house 1 egg each. They are to grow to be over 18cm before they break and the egg is released into the fallopian tube which is ovulation. Typically only one follicle will ‘break’ and the remaining will die away, with the egg never to be used again.

Some follicles won’t have an egg inside and there is no way of knowing one way or the other if someone doesn’t become pregnant.

In the case of using Clomid, multiple follicles can grow over 18cm and break and release eggs, which is why the possibility of multiple births increases.

On my ultrasound, there was the 1 follicle outside of my ovary (which the doctor is not concerned about. Apparently, many women have these ‘hanging’ follicles). In addition were 2 nice sized follicles measuring 18cm and 22cm. Wahoo!

The doctor is happy with what the ultrasound reveals so he orders a trigger shot to be given to force ovulation.

What is an HCG Trigger Shot? It is an injection of a medication called HCG, which causes the eggs to complete the maturation process.

Some people don’t produce the HCG that will induce an ovulation, which is why the Trigger Shot is so helpful. The technician told me that HCG is the same hormone that is released when one becomes pregnant and that HCG is the hormone that pregnancy tests detect, fascinating!

At 3 pm I was stuck with the needle, little did I know this would be injected in the cheek of my bottom, ouch!

We left with specific instructions: Be together 24 & 48 hours after the shot and let nature take its course… so that’s what we will do.

I won’t lie though, I find myself wanting to help nature along, such as putting myself in the best position for gravity to help the swimmers (articles say this doesn’t work) or being together more than 2x in that window (the doctor gave specific instructions NOT to have sex too often, wanting the swimmers to be strong so waiting 24 hours can help the build up).

We are both excited at the possibility of becoming pregnant. Here we could see two viable follicles that may both contain eggs that might possibly be met by swimmers. Could this be the week that the rest of our lives change?

It’s amazing to me that there is such a short window of time for one to become pregnant. Thinking about all the people who become pregnant without planning, it’s fascinating to me how this all happens.

Once the egg is released from the ovary, it lives for 12-24 hours. On top of that, it can take anywhere between 45 minutes and a couple hours for sperm to reach the fallopian tubes. This means, there needs to be sperm already in the fallopian tube region. But not just any sperm, they need to be strong so they need to be there within a few days prior.

Timing is everything, isn’t it!

Double the Dose of Clomid

/ Hilary / 4 Comments

Ok so I freaked out in a recent post because of my fear that I would have to wait more time than I already need to because I don’t have a natural period. Thankfully, two days after I completed the 10 days of Provera, I got a bleed. Short, one-day bleed that constitutes my day 1, wahoo!

Again, it’s the small things that I need to celebrate on this road and if it’s a bleed, I’ll take it. This is a sign that I have another month of hope for becoming pregnant and the fun can begin.

The OB wasn’t able to get me in for an ultrasound until day 4 and when they did, they did not see any signs of PCOs. What? I am pretty confused by this point as my ultrasound in 2016 clearly showed a string of pearl like visual in my ovaries. Not today.

I do not know what this means about my diagnosis and what I need to be doing for my health, but I am just trying to go with it. Trusting the doctors are the experts and possibly see this all the time, I am choosing to let go and be apart of the strategic process.

They did see the cyst again that appears to be next to my uterus and has not changed in size, so they are not concerned, so I won’t be concerned.

All clear to start round 2 of Clomid, doubling the dose, days 5-9 of my cycle! Praying for good healthy follicles to grow so we can get this show on the road!

Today I am hopeful.

Possible Blockage?

/ Hilary / 1 Comment

Could it be that I have a blockage in my right ovary?

 Curious question for my massage therapist to ask me as I was lying face down on the table. She had just begun my deep tissue massage and after asking a few questions as to what brought me in, picked up on the fact that we are trying to become pregnant.

I welcome any feedback from body workers as well as doctors but this question came as a surprise. I noticed she had paused over my lower back area and was still.

“Has my right ovary experienced any trauma in the past, such as a miscarriage or something else?”- she asked.

“No, not that I know of.”- I replied.

She continued with the massage and at the end, I asked her to explain more.

Clarifying that she is not a doctor, she mentioned she could just sense that there may have been some damage caused by trauma or possibly something I was born with that is causing my right ovary to be weak and potentially blocked.

The left is strong and feels to be working well, but she suggested that before we pour money into any major fertility endeavors it may be something for my doctor to look into.

I left with a little skepticism mixed with curiosity. Could a blockage be part of the issue? I was determined to find out.

Stuck with Needles

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

Walking into the cool warmly lit office, I knew I would be able to calm down here. The sign asking clients to take off shoes confirmed… this was a safe space to relax.

Acupuncture Denver was recommended to me by a friend who was trying to conceive and after a couple months of working with Jane at Acupuncture Denver became pregnant. I know that acupuncture won’t be the reason we get pregnant, but I believe it can help a body function well and become realigned.

I had been corresponding with Jane since February through email so to meet her in person was a delight. She took 30 minutes to hear my story. Her questions about PCOS and the various medications I have tried confirmed that she knew a lot of fertility and PCOS.

Then she dropped the bomb.

“I wonder if you have symptoms of PCOS but since no cysts were seen on your ultra sound, you may have something with your hypothyroid. I’d have to see your blood work to confirm.”

Wait… what? I’ve been around and around about this with doctors and I was really happy to know what it is that causes me to be “abnormal”. Not to mention, I was on thyroid medication for a few years and nothing changed, so what is this all about?

Frustrated and perplexed I laid down on the table, face down.

Jane applied the needles along my back and in my legs. My head was full of questions and worry that my doctor is operating on the assumption that I have PCOS, what if I’m not getting pregnant because it’s really something else? And that mass of a cyst that they saw outside of my uterus on the ultra sound, what is that?

No time to worry about this all now as I wanted to pray into the acupuncture treatment and let go of all the concerns of the unknowns.

Later this week, I got an email from Jane who had reviewed my blood work. She confirmed that the numbers do not point towards PCOS. It seems as though my AMH is at a good (but not high like in PCOS) level, my FSH and LH ratio is perfect and my other labs are totally normal too (like androgens). So she’s thinking it might be a mild hypothalamic issue. Jane recommends checking with my doctor for further analysis… so that is what Ill do.

Grateful to have people around me who know the fertility world and what to look for since I sure as heck have no idea what to do!

So what can I do now? Enjoy the journey God has us on…