The Longing Grows, but I Need to Change

The time away from medication has been a delight. Over the past 7 weeks, I have felt my body deflate from the bloating, my mind rest from the thoughts and my heart calm down from the emotions. I am moving back to what feels normal again and I am grateful for the breath of fresh air. It is indeed a much-needed break.

For the most part, I feel calm about our journey. I know we are in the process of gathering information for our next steps and know that we will be at peace whatever we decide.

Do we go for IVF or do we begin the process of adoption? The golden question with an unclear answer at this point.

My heart does hurt to have a family. I was with my little nephews and it stirs my heart to want to have some of my own little people to help guide, grow, nurture, and teach.

Yes, exhausting as it seems to be, my heart is slowly nudging me in the direction of having kids and seeing the abundance of life that comes with having them in my life.

This process is a messy one and I don’t expect to have it all figured out before the little ones come, but I do see that I am more prone to want a family than not, and this is something I cannot ignore.

When we started this journey back in December 2014 (that’s when we pulled the goalie, so to speak), I thought I wasn’t ready and needed to get a better job that had more flexible hours that would support me working from home. I was kicking myself for not choosing a better major in college or career path after college that would support me being a working mom. Why couldn’t I make more money to be able to work fewer hours a week?

I began trying to change my life in order to fit the kids I was hoping to have… and what I have found is all these new adventures in trying to figure it out has left me putting the cart before the horse. Maybe it’s time to just slow down my ‘figure it out’ side of my brain and just relax.

I always hear relaxing is what helps people get pregnant. Might this be a key ingredient I have been missing?

Simplifying my life and slowing my mind down.

I’m prone to ‘go’.

My entire life has been a to-do list, moving from one stage of my life to the next, packing in as many experiences as possible in each season. Might this be a season for me to take things off my plate and just ‘be’ for a while?Image result for change

 

Letting go of the commitments I love to be apart of might be more painful than not being able to get pregnant, but what if this is going to help me become pregnant?

Maybe all the things I’m committed too need to be put on hold for now and can be picked back up later, when these little humans have arrived and are napping, playing, or at school.

I haven’t been willing to really change, until now. (I hope).

My heart swelled with emotion as I saw my nephews playing mixed with the background of other families engaging in laughter while the little ones shouted ‘look at me, dad’ from the distance.

Will I get to experience this? Am I too late?

Sometimes it feels as though I have missed the boat and I will never be ‘there’. It’s easy for me to wallow in the ‘if only’s’ and the ‘why not’s’.

Why is this road so much longer than other people around me? Why didn’t the medicated cycles work for us?

The WHY’s never really seemed to be wise questions to ask.

Would they work if we give it another couple of rounds?

Thankfully, at least for today, I feel at peace knowing that the medicated cycles are not an option for us anymore. I know we gave it a good try and with Dr. G’s support, we are moving on from that.

It’s time for the next level, may it be IVF or adoption, and the next level of surrender in my own life. I can’t do it all right now and the tears are flowing a little more often now, as I desire a family.

Even though I am scared, I am beginning to look at having kids as an opportunity for adventure and growth instead of a scary unknown. Maybe it really is the best thing that will happen to me. I have got to give this a shot because my heart hurts too much not to.

God Answered

There have been a few mornings when I have felt nauseous. Little subtle ongoing cramping over the past few days. Maybe I’m pregnant?

Every time I have a little twinge of “am I pregnant”, I immediately begin praying with a simple, “God, if it’s your will” and go on with my day.

I feel I have been getting really close to God this past week as it seems to be every hour or two I am saying this prayer.

In the past few days though, my sense has changed. Maybe it is me protecting myself from a potential let-down. I don’t know if I am pregnant. And I have to wait.

I have a few friends texting, wondering how I’m doing and praying for me. I appreciate it. Knowing I’m not alone.

We need cheerleaders in our lives, when I can’t allow myself to be hopeful, they are.

I am willing to wait until day 14 after the trigger shot and continue to trust God knows what He’s doing.


Here we sit, day 12 after the trigger shot, how quickly thoughts change. I know I’m supposed to wait a few more days, but I figured I could go to the Dollar Store and get a pregnancy test just to see if any of the remanences of the HCG shot was still present. If it was a positive test, I would chalk it up to being leftovers and test in a few days. If it was negative, at least I would know the HCG from the trigger shot is out of my system.

I test and there is only one line, not pregnant.

“Good to know the HCG is out of my system. Maybe it’s too early,” I thought. “I’ll test again in 2 days.”


My back has been hurting this afternoon and sure enough, I now know why.

I don’t have to test.  I began spotting. I knew it in my heart that I wasn’t pregnant and this was just a confirmation.

I plopped down by Hubby and snuggled up next to him and I told him. He wasn’t surprised either.

Gosh, darn it!

I really was hoping this was going to be the month. I even was praying for twins and thought I was going everything right. I was even following the suggested food intake throughout the course of my cycle.

What more am I supposed to be doing?

I am bummed. God, what are you doing in this?

I email CCRM and let them know so they can get me a request for a blood draw to confirm I’m not pregnant so we can start a new medicated cycle.

That is what we are going to do, right?

Hubby and I talk. We don’t know how many more medicated cycles we are going to do.

At what point, do we have to surrender and say that we tried everything we could and it’s just not going to work?

1 year? 2 years? 3 years? How long God?Image result for footprints in the sand

This cycle completed 8 medicated cycles in just about a year.

Might not be very long for some people, or maybe it is for others. I’m sure it’s a personal choice.

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this one.

This is what I don’t understand:

If we are created to procreate than why can’t God heal my body so that I can do just that?

What are we missing in this whole process?

  • I am given medication to stimulate follicle growth- check
  • I am monitored days 12-? To see the follicle growth and thickening of the lining- check
  • Hubby has strong swimmers- check
  • I get the HCG trigger shot to force an ovulation- check
  • Hubby gives his swimmers over to the nurses for a cleaning- check
  • Nurses take the best swimmers and inject them right up to where my egg(s) is/are- check
  • I rest and relax, pray and trust that they get together and implant…
  • Not sure if that is a check or not.

Dr. G. Says the only way to guarantee they get together is by doing IVF (in vitro) which is not an option for us at this point.

At some point, I have to trust that God is truly the miracle worker and creates life.

Why isn’t he creating life in me?

Is it something I have done? Am I not supposed to have my biological children? Why not?

Questions I won’t ever have answers to.

So God, what do you want from us? Do you want us to do another medicated cycle?

I fall asleep praying.


Day 1– I go in for the blood work and ultrasound just in case we decide to move forward with the medication.

In my quiet time this morning, as I was talking with God about this, I felt peace about letting go of a medicated cycle. This peace comes more from the hope that I will be one of ‘those’ stories where we try the fertility route and when it doesn’t work, we begin thinking about adoption and we miraculously get pregnant.

Is that my story? That after all this human intervention with medication, God is using this experience to show me that He truly is all powerful and that no medication or doctor can do what only he can do?

That would be cool!

So, I’m at peace with whatever we need to do, or not do.

While in the ultrasound with my new-found friend, Erika, the stenographer, she finds a large black circle in my left ovary.

“What is that?” I ask.

It’s a cyst,” she replies. “Double the size than what I usually see.”

Unfortunately, it wasn’t there before ovulation.

From what I learned today: It’s common for this to happen where the follicle releases the egg during ovulation and remains empty in the ovary and over the 2 weeks can fill with fluid- causing this cyst. If I were to go on medication while I have it- most likely the cyst will absorb the meds instead. I have to wait until it’s gone before we can do anything more.

She doesn’t know what the doctor will say so at this point I leave the office without knowing if we will be able to do medication this cycle.

I call my nurse at CCRM and she confirms. No medication this cycle and possibly not the next cycle (if I get one) as it is double the size. It will need time to dissolve before they will prescribe anything.

My heart was prepared and I praise God for making it abundantly clear that the answer is no for this cycle.

We can still ‘try’ without medication and all the gizmos and gadgets… the good ol’ fashion way.

We plan to regroup with Dr. G this month to talk through options based on his observations and expertise. Maybe this is the conversation we need to know it’s time to move on.


I feel carried. The tears still come.

I am sad at the thought that there may not be a little Hubby and little me to watch grow up.

I have had these same visions before. As though I am watching a 1980’s home video, I can see a little version of us, looking up and smiling at us. This little human we have created.

These thoughts and the sadness I feel are not new. I have felt this longing for our own biological children for a few years and the potential reality that this is a dream I need to let go of is still too hard for me to bare.

Image result for aloneWhat’s so terribly difficult is that there is a world around me that has no idea the pain I am in. I tend to be a silver lining type person, looking for the good and what God is doing in and through each situation. But there are still moments when I am feeling life is not fair. I am happy for all my friends who get to experience this blessing, but when I am on Facebook, I often feel as though people don’t realize the pain others experience. Maybe this is just my issue and I need to grow a thicker skin so that others can post their joys and not rain on their parade.

Just like my friends who are single, longing for a partner- seeing engagement pictures and wedding photos can be difficult.

Does it mean that we should stop posting the joy-filled moments that are in our life- absolutely not? Maybe being aware of the world around us though.

Or maybe I just need to go off Facebook.

Wanting vs. Enjoying

I don’t know if it’s a blessing that I got my period, or now a curse. I can tell I am fighting off the very thing I didn’t want to become consumed by, counting days, checking ovulation, wondering if this is the month we’ll become pregnant.

My husband and I talked about keeping expectations low and I really liked the thought of that… but they keep creeping up and up… will this be the month? Could we actually get pregnant? I even have the thought, “I don’t want to wait another month to try again”.

I laugh at this last thought because I see how normal I am, with other women who are ready for a baby and try for months on end… or years. Month after month, wondering if this is the month. Hopeful with anticipation and then disappointed and sad when the next period comes.

I know, I’m way too far into the future with my thoughts and that is what I need to remind myself of today.

STAY IN THE DAY.

Today.

Not only stay in this present moment, but to also look at the things I have to be grateful for in this moment.

The list consists of:

  • the opportunity to take naps when I want to
  • enjoy a full night’s rest
  • be able to go out on a date night without having to find/pay for a babysitter
  • go skiing for the full day (together)
  • make my schedule around things I would like to do

Although selfish, I can see there is a time and space for this type of lifestyle and once kids come along, all this changes.

I remember having the same thoughts of yearning when I was single, wanting so much to meet my husband. I would write a list of things I was grateful for that I would have in this season… knowing that once I met him, all would change.

Similar with kids. Life as we know it will change and we won’t have this same life again and so it’s important for me to cherish what we have today and embracing each experience we have in this season because once it changes, it changes.

Granted, the change to marriage and the change to having children are wonderful and beautiful with so much richness and growth… and I love how life is always changing. As long as I learn how to enjoy the season of life that I’m in, knowing it will change.

The present. This exact moment, and this exact day is exactly where God wants me to be.

So as we journey through this week, I surrender my desires to God and trust in the plan and timing God has for us to grow our family while practicing gratitude and thanksgiving.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. –Philippians 4:6 NIV

Back to Baby-Talk

Happy holidays!

It has been a long time since I wrote and thought it would be a good time to start up again.

As I last wrote, my husband and I were taking time away from the baby-making focus and putting our energies into our work. Over the past 6 months, I have been working feverishly on my coaching business and feel my time and energy will pay off soon.

A funny thing happened over the past month though, a shift in our priorities.

Maybe it was when Daniel blew out his candles on his 36th birthday cake, or maybe it was the constant stream of ‘presents’, To-Be-Delivered-in-6-months left under the Christmas tree by The Stork to what seems ALL of my friends on Facebook (more on this in my next post)… either way, we have caught Baby Fever and are revisiting our options.

So here I am, back writing about the journey towards having a baby.

Let me bring those of you up to speed…

I am a healthy 33 years old, who has never received a period without medical assistance. From the age of 16-31, I was on and off birth control pills prescribed solely to give myself a period. I have facial hair (thank you laser hair removal), adult acne and have struggled with my weight in the past and don’t today (thank you God). All this leads to a a diagnosed, then undiagnosed and then re-diagnosed Poly-Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) diagnosis.

The strange thing to me though, is none of the medication for PCOS helps. I have ingested a medicine cabinet full of medication that is to help patients with PCOS regain a bit of ‘normalcy’, but it didn’t do much for this body. It simply brought about painful acne, huge mood swings and cramping.

The final response from my doctors was to try Clomid and/or acupuncture when I’m ready to take the next step.

From December 2014 when I went off birth control and began engaging in unprotected sex. I had it in my head that we could get pregnant and was meddling in the ideas of… ‘Maybe this is the time when…’.

For a period of time, I was peeing on Ovulation sticks and taking my Basal Temperature. All in hopes of tracking my Ovulation without having the typical ‘first day of period’ to gauge from.

In the 4 months I was tracking for Ovulation, I got one :)… which means ovulation… I think it’s pretty crappy that the sign of Ovulation is a :), because that makes every other day a 😦 or nothing on the screen at all… I kind of don’t like 🙂 anymore.

At the same time, I knew it would be a road to journey with potential medication or other fertility treatment and so we also revisited the conversation of adoption.

When we began dating, adoption was an easy agreement. Both of us want to adopt, regardless if we can birth our own.

For the past year have been ‘gently’ mentioning that it will take 2-5 years in many circumstances to receive a child, pending where we decide to adopt… so we may want to start the paperwork process now… (hint, hint)…

After 6 months of my causal info dropping and split energy between priorities of work and family, we decided to put a hold on all baby talk until 2017.

Side note: My husband has always wanted a family and is the more, should I say, reasonable & realistic out of the two of us. I tend to bite off more than I can chew and he approaches decisions methodically, with thought, prayer and discernment.

He is good for me like that- he knows that when I get focused on something, I tend to run after it with complete effort and energy.

So this is where we are… ready to move forward and take the steps God has for us may it be conceiving or adopting… or both!

Pajama Day!

41866_CM3When I was growing up, I loved the different dress up days at school. It was an opportunity to have a break from the routine and do something that I wouldn’t typically choose to do for myself.

My favorite was Pajama Day. Although I rarely wore the PJ’s that I really slept in, I remember thinking how fun it would be just to roll out of bed and walk out the door! In reality, I undressed from my sleep shirt and put on my strategically planned PJ outfit that would make others think these were my real PJ’s. They usually had a color-coordinated and matching print top and bottoms with cute slippers to match. I would tease my hair and put it in a ratty pony-tail just to make the outfit complete.

In high school, we would have Pajama Day as one of the dress-up days during Homecoming Week. I spent more time getting ready to put my PJ’s on for the school day than I did my regular outfits, simply because I wanted to look ‘cute’ in my PJ’s. I was extremely concerned about what my peers would think of me.

Today, my Pajama Days look drastically different. I enjoyed one yesterday in fact and am kind-of enjoying it again today. It is 2pm and I have altered my PJ’s only slightly, but for the most part, I have let myself simply be in a relaxed state of decompression.

Yesterday, I rolled out of bed, enjoyed a nice slow morning of reading the Bible while enjoying the smell of my husband’s coffee (I’m not a big coffee drinker, but LOVE the smell wafting through the family room as we snuggle under the blanket). After lunch, we took a nap and it was at 4:30pm that I showered and headed to the grocery store, just to return to put my PJ’s back on for a night of movie watching.

I began asking myself what it is about a day of complete relaxation (in my PJs) that rejuvenates me. Am I so busy during my week that I do not allow for this uninterrupted down-time, to fill my cup and simply be lazy. I have always liked the idea of a sabbath, but never feel like I have the time to create one in my week. As I write that, I have to laugh… I don’t have enough time to slow down and give my time, space and energy to God. From the very first sentences in the Bible it talks about rest (Genesis 2: 2-3)… and I don’t have enough time to have a sabbath? Eek, I think I need to dig a little deeper here.

How is it that I don’t have enough time? When I really get down to it, I see the root of fear of not having enough time… or not trusting that what will get done will get done each week. Wasn’t the sabbath given from God as a gift for us to rest- “so then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God” (Hebrews 4:9).

Here I am trying to build a business (that I feel God has equipped me to create with his help) and I feel like I have so many things to get checked off my list and the very thing that I feel is the most  important in my life (God) is being pushed to the side because I don’t have enough time? I’m off.

So I started today, in my PJ’s.

I had a slow morning with God, and have been pulling scriptures for my coaching packages while listening to my worship music. It’s a start.

I am scared to commit to having a full day of sabbath each week, but I am curious to try it. What would my life look like if I truly disconnected for a day to press into God? I wonder what may change with my approach to coaching, my perspective on my life and how I can help others? May be worth a shot, to let go of my fear of not getting things done and starting to flex that muscle of faith; that when I put God first, he is the one who guides my steps.

Sabbath doesn’t mean that I will sit at home and do absolutely nothing (although that may be nice for a few hours)… but it can mean for me to unplug from my work and enjoy the sunshine, go for a walk, read a leisure book, take a nap, have unscheduled time… let go and let God.