Gods timing

One Line… only

/ Hilary / 5 Comments

I may or may not have taken a pregnancy test every other day for the last 6 days. In hopeful anticipation of the possibility to be pregnant, my thoughts were nowhere else for these past 10 days as I counted down. I noticed my keen sense of awareness to the possibility of being sick, having food aversion, not sleeping well, sore boobs… unfortunately, there was nothing out of the ordinary. Yet my research said I may or may not feel anything different so I was remaining hopeful that I would be pleasantly surprised this morning. I wasn’t.

I had a hope inside of seeing the two lines on the pregnancy stick. Closing my eyes I prayed for God’s will to be done and for me to be able to accept whatever it is that he has In store. I anticipated my reaction to seeing the two lines, how happy and surprised and in disbelieve and stunned and excited I would be. Counted to three….

One line.

Not pregnant.

Sadness overtakes me.

What’s wrong with my body that we could not get pregnant after all the things we’ve done and how great the doctors said everything looked? It must be me as my husband’s tests showed that he is not the problem.

I am frustrated that I could both have done a thing better plaything more to become pregnant. This is not going to be something that I work for and excel at and perfect and do right in order for it all to work out.

I can only do my part and the rest is up to nature, science and ultimately God.

What is magnificent to me is this idea of complete and utter lack of control that creates something incredible. Learning more about the science and biology behind conception, baby making is has dropped because it really cannot be controlled. I’m sure if I did IVF I would feel like we had more control, but there is no guarantee that the embryo will latch onto the uterine wall, let alone grow to survivor outside the womb.

I really am powerless and have no control over this whole desire.

Reminds me of when I was single and so desperately wanting to meet my husband. It was not anything I could control and I couldn’t make it happen any faster. I just had to surrender to the process of life and trust that It would happen.

My heart yarns more each day for a baby.

I learned of a few new friends being pregnant and I am elated for them and breaking inside. Breaking caused by fear that I won’t be able to have what they have. That my desire and hope to be as mom will not be fulfilled and I will be left with a hole in my heart that only a child can fill.

I know adoption is an option but is so expensive. How does anyone adopt at the increasing costs?

Breath.

I just have to trust.

God’s writing my story. Help me see his hand at work

Excited to be sick? Something’s off…

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

5227053414_4dbd66037f_bOver the past several days, I have felt sick. My stomach was ‘off’ and I felt ‘punk’ (you know… when you aren’t fully engaged with the world because your mind is slower and there are hints feeling low and ill). I felt my boobs to see if they were more sore (they weren’t). The waves of stomach icky continued. Let me be clear though, this wasn’t the throwing up, it was the other- but I had actually convinced myself that I could be pregnant.

Well, this was me and to be honest, I was a little excited! Could I be pregnant? Is this the beginning of morning sickness?

I went as far as peeing on the pregnancy stick to see if I was… Reading the instructions I knew I would have to wait 2 minutes before I would see any results, and yet as soon as I looked at it- there was a huge ” – ” on the screen, definitely not pregnant.

My heart dropped. Feeling a bit let down. After all… I had actually hoped that maybe… possibly…

Guess I have just had a bad case of something… but it’s not a baby.

What’s so interesting to me through this is the fact that my husband and I have already openly discussed how we are both focusing on our business ventures to become more consistent in our incomes and that we aren’t ‘trying’.

But what does ‘not trying’ mean when you’re married and wanting to have a family?

Is it just a mental game we play with ourselves to convince us not to obsess about something, when we have no control over it? Is it a way to distract ourselves so we don’t get worried about why things aren’t happening? Maybe it’s just a way for me to keep my head on straight and not get too over-worked and analytical about, everything.

I’ll be honest (again) with you. I would love to become pregnant because that would mean we would start our family! Yet, I’m terribly scared for many reasons, but these 2 are pretty clear.

  1. I am wanting to grow my business to be my full-time focus and for it to bring in clients on a consistent basis and this takes a ton of time and energy. It’s kinda like it’s own baby in some ways. (Is this selfish?)
  2. I am scared about what becoming pregnant and having a baby will do for my life as I know it today. Everything will change, I won’t have my daily routine as it is today, I will be living for more than just my husband and me. I will become a mom and take on the realities of ALL this entails.

So I’m kinda stuck in the in between. Although we have been ‘trying’ for 1.5  years… I do feel God is continuing to work on the two of us. We have had a lot of great discussions and I have become more aware of my fears. Little by slow, I’m working through them and am seeing my thoughts and perspectives change and my heart soften.

Currently, I’ve been hanging out with my nephews quite a bit! This isbaby griffin Griffin, he’s 4 months old and his big brother Cooper is almost 5 years! I’ve spend long days with these guys and it’s certainly given me a great appreciation for parents and the sacrifice it is to be a hands-on parent.

My hubby and I are being prepared for a life change, and to help us remember that we are not in control and that He is the giver of life.

“Wait quietly in my presence while My thoughts form silently in the depths of your being.” Jesus Calling

My desire is to surrender my thoughts, ideas, plans, timing, worries, unknowns to God and sit quietly in His presence.

More Gadgets to Try

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

IMG_0528Six weeks, that’s what the doctor told me. I was to wait 4-6 weeks to see if my body would kick in on its own to produce a period. I was skeptical since I didn’t really get a period, but I continued to pray, trust and rotate the little sticky patches of estrogen from my lower abdomen every 3-4 days.

I was introduced to an app called Kindara, and although it does track a woman’s cycle off of a period (which doesn’t help me), it also helps plot the month based off body temperature and mucus. I didn’t think I’d be one to try it, but figured ‘why not?’ and ordered my basal thermometer from Amazon. The trick with the temperature is that it’s important to take it first thing in the morning, before moving from the bed. So I began sticking it in my mouth blurry eyed and half asleep when my alarm goes off in the morning.

It’s interesting to learn more about myself as this process continues. I now know that I run a little colder than my husband, typically in the 96 degree range, where he is in the 97. May explain why I carry a jacket with me into restaurants even in the summer or like to drink hot water to warm up :-).

My body temperature has not ‘spiked’ over the past month as it is supposed to when a woman ovulates. So maybe… I don’t ovulate? At this point, I am not drawing any conclusions until I have used this app for at least 3 months.

So I add to my research, plotting and observing, gathering information and praying. The peace I continue to feel is surreal as I know God is in this, just like he is in everything. I know his timing is perfect and his plans for us is exactly what we want.

I did get to see how much stress can play a huge part in my body’s functioning. For 10 days in June, I was intensely studying for  the Certified PersonIMG_0485al Trainer certification through the National Academy for Sports Medicine (NASM). For hours each day, I was learning new concepts and memorizing various facts. Determined to pass the test before our summer trip, my body experienced stress which lead to a change in my bodies behaviors on Kindara. I saw how stress decreased my mucus production, which possibly indicates a change in my cycle. Thankfully I passed and have that behind me while also being more aware of how my body reacts to stress.

Here we sit, officially six weeks past that little blimp of spotting, and I am discouraged as I say nothing has come since. I will continue taking my body temperature at the start of each day, wearing the estrogen patch and will take one more round of progesterone to see how my body reacts.

My doctor believes the next step will be to see an infertility doctor and try Clomid. With the change in my job/insurance, we may have to wait a few months until the dust settles before we go to that next step. Either way, I know everything will happen in the way and timing it is supposed to.

So for today, I celebrate what I do have to enjoy, and embrace each moment of this life!

A Little Something

/ Hilary / 2 Comments

one in a millionMy journey continues as I experienced my first ‘period’ in over a year and a half. Yippee! Granted it was on a tiny scale compared to what I’ve remembered in the past, and some may call it spotting… But it was something. So what does this mean?

Well, that the build up of estrogen over the past 2 months created enough lining to shed for a day. It means the mixture of the estrogen patch and the progesterone pill created a reaction in my body. It also means that the body experiment continues.

I will stay on the estrogen patch for the next month to see if my body will kick into gear and produce this little something that I am calling a ‘period’ on my own. Once this occurs, I’ll be able to address the Poly Cystic ovaries.

I’m hopeful. The summer break I have needed is right around the corner and this means I’ll be able to focus on relaxing throughout my days in the sunshine. Slowing down from the faster-pace life and responsibilities of a full-time job.

God can create a baby at any time, and I am certain that I can become pregnant with, or without a period. I simply want to remain obedient to what is being asked. At this point, I am learning more about my body and the incredible, intricate creation it is. How in the world can I fathom the miracle of life.

I held my second nephew for the first time last week. He was less than 12 hours old and he is simply perfect. His little fingers, tiny nose and that little tongue that sticks out every once in a while. How are these little babies formed inside us women?

Moments like these provide pause to become overwhelmed with awe and wonder of our All Mighty God who created this world, and every thing and living, breathing specie. I am humbled. I do not know anything. My thoughts and abilities are minuscule compared to our Father.

Why do I doubt him? He knows what he’s doing and he knows why he created me and what he desires for me in my life. I do trust that and I do trust Him with my life.

Seeking medical advice and direction is a balance. I don’t want to look to my doctors to have all the answers. I want to keep that authority reserved to God. But I also recognize God trains people to do his work here, to be his hands and his feet. I will continue to pray for my doctors to be in touch with God in their practice and their professional growth.