God

Infertility is my fault

/ Hilary / 1 Comment

The calendar becomes my obsession. It’s not the date on the calendar that has my attention, it is the number I’ve put into my Google Calendar to count the days since my period began, that’s my day 1.

I’ve checked each day in some strange way of preparing myself for days 12-17, they haven’t changed, they won’t change. They are still there at the same dates I originally computed, taunting me.

The hours, let alone days can’t go by fast enough and I spend my time praying for my body to create the necessary elements that will enhance our chances of becoming pregnant. More than anything, I am praying that God’s miracle working hands will bestow us with the charge of parenting.

The prayers help, yet my thoughts can turn the corner pretty quickly into negativity and sorrow.

I can’t help but question why my body is this way? What’s wrong with me that my body doesn’t know how to function on its own and what could I have done in my past to make my body this way?

Is it possible that my body is this way because of something I did in my past, as though I did something to deserve this?

There isn’t much I can think of that would support this other than a few decisions I don’t think too favorably upon. I also know that my insane behaviors around eating and exercising were major issues in my teen and early twenties. I liked to eat and found it very difficult to stop eating. So instead of stopping (or limiting my food intake), I exercised to stay thin, scared of what other people thought of me and fearful of letting myself become too overweight. Exercising is not bad for anyone, as long as it’s in the appropriate amounts, but I was working out up to 3 hours every day. My life revolved around how to stay thin after eating what I wanted.

I liked to eat and found it very difficult to stop eating. So instead of stopping (or limiting my food intake), I exercised to stay thin, scared of what other people thought of me and fearful of letting myself become too overweight. Exercising is not bad for anyone, as long as it’s in the appropriate amounts, but I was working out up to 3 hours every day. My life revolved around how to stay thin after eating what I wanted.

The doctors attributed my lack of a period to my athletic activities and yet never challenged me or questioned why I was working out so much. Nor did they share any side effects this may cause as I grew older. I don’t blame them; I just wish I would have treated my body better.

The good thing is that for the past 11 years; I have been making an amends to my body for all the years of torture I put it through. Allowing my body to heal from the ridiculous behaviors and calming down to be more neutral and balanced.

So, am I the reason we can’t get pregnant? Is it my fault from my decisions of the past?

Possibly.

I won’t ever really know. Plus, it’s not helpful for me to sit in the space of pity or despair.

What I do know to be true is that I have a chance, today, to be made new. For my body and mind to be clean of my past and I can take the necessary actions to help my body grow healthier.

Today, I will place my hands on my belly and pray for God to do His thing. For my body to be creating these wonderful little follicles that house strong, viable eggs and for my uterine lining to be receiving the Estrogen patch’s medication well for a nice cushy lining. I’m also practicing visualization of what this might look like and pray for God’s will to be done.

My situation is not my fault, even if it is, I am choosing to believe that God is bigger than anything I may have done and can repair and bring to life anything if it’s in His plan.

Today, I believe God is powerful.

All Natural!

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Wahoo! I got a period, all on my own.

Not the reaction my husband thought I would give when I told him the news. Yes, I am bummed that we aren’t pregnant this month, BUT I got a period ON MY OWN.

Yes, I am bummed that we aren’t pregnant this month, BUT I got a period ON MY OWN.

This is huge and wonderful as I’ve been wanting my body to have some more normalcy through this process, as opposed to simply reacting to the medications the doctors give me.

It seems as though the last two cycles, my body has been sleeping and each medication is like waking from a nap, not knowing what time of day it is, what day it is, how long you’ve been sleeping… confusion and then reaction. There are times when I will wake from a nap in a panic that I’ve missed something. That fearful panic is real, for a moment.

I just wonder if this is how my body is responding to the medication… like it’s being woken up from a nap and it’s in reaction mode. In some ways, forced to perform.

When things are forced, it’s not as easy and free-flowing.

BUT, with a natural period, my body did it all on its own!

I didn’t have to take Provera to force a bleed and so maybe this month my body will bring its “A” game, functioning out of natural process versus medically induced.

I will take Clomid to help with the ovulation process, but maybe this time, I won’t need to be ‘triggered’ for ovulation… is it possible that my body is fully awake this month?

I am hopeful today.

This past month has been a turning point for me.

I will admit, for many months and years now I have not been too excited to enter into parenthood. I have seen others around me become parents and observe the shift in life and I have not been too motivated to want that life change for myself. If anything, I return to my safe space in my house relieved I don’t have children running around.

I have felt like a bad woman, like I have a horrible heart, for not pining after a baby like I hear many of my friends comment as they have strong desires for their own babies.

I am really happy in my life with my husband and am incredibly content with the life of 2.

Yes, I do want to have a family and have people I get to help grow and influence and love. Sitting back, watching them grow, explore, learn.

I am afraid of the sacrifice.

Giving all of me to someone else who is completely dependent on me. I am scared I won’t be able to receive the responsibility well and that I will push my children away.

They are so malleable and I don’t want to mess them up with my own fears and insecurities, or my own missteps. Lord knows I make enough willful decisions on my own, let alone affecting another person.

Maybe being a parent will help me become a better version of myself.

I don’t know how I will behave when there is someone else who needs me continuously. I want to say to them, “Stop it!”, “Figure it out on your own!”

Where is the compassion, love, patience, tolerance in that? I don’t feel ready. Will I ever be ready?

I guess not, no one really is ready.

I know how much children can cause a rift in the parents, in the marriage. I like my marriage and I don’t want to be too tired to engage with my husband. I don’t want to give so much to my children that I don’t have anything to give to him.

It’s not that I don’t want kids. It’s that I’m scared of myself and the unknowns of what that role and responsibility will look like in my day in and day out life routine.

Over the past few weeks though, I have been able to push aside the fears and see the beauty of holding and caring for another human being. I have begun to get excited to be a mom and to recognize how much of a gift it will be to raise another person.

Back on BC

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

download.jpgTwo weeks ago, I met my OBGYN doctor for the first time. She was absolutely…

Serious.

Not a lot of ‘bedside manner’. She spoke from experience with numerous facts about the successful pregnancies she’s experienced with other patients with PCOS. I immediately felt comfortable with her expertise and assurance that we would most-likely become pregnant.

Before we began talking logistics, I shared with her the results of my husband’s ‘swimmers’. Not only was she impressed with how good they look (nice job Honey), but also that we had this test completed prior to my appointment with her.

Note to others: get hubby checked prior to fertility consult. Hubby wasn’t at all thrilled with the idea of having to provide a sample, but I reminded him of how many times I have to put my feet in those straps to posture vulnerable to doctors and nurses… one sample can’t compare. Looking for a place? He went through Conceptions.

After about 20 minutes of discussing with my new friend the OB Dr., we had a plan.

  • Step 1: I am to start on birth control in order to force my body into having a period.
  • Step 2: On the day of my first true bleed (not just spotting), I am to contact OB Dr. to get a prescription of Clomid.
  • Step 3: On days 3-8 I am to take Clomid.
  • Step 4: On days 10-20ish? I am to pee on Ovulation sticks
  • Goal: To ovulate.

If I don’t ovulate, they will increase the dosage of Clomid for the next month. If I do ovulate, have at it and pray for pregnancy.

With a thin uterine lining, it may be necessary for me to return to those sticky estrogen patches (ick!). She said Clomid thins out the uterine lining even more… so that may be a necessity. Praying for God to do miracles!

We will to this for 6 months, which at that point if not pregnant, she will refer me to a Fertility specialist. Come on God!

One caveat to the Clomid is we must be prepared for the potential of twins (eek! ok I’m actually super excited about that idea). She said it’s about a 10% chance that we would have twins. After a little hesitation, we agreed that two babies is better than none and would gratefully welcome twins into our family.

So back onto birth control I am, with my emotions all over the place, my face breaking out with all sorts of acne, my boobs ever so sore, and what feels like 100lbs of weight gain (only a few pounds) that feels like water weight/bloatedness, ick. Not to mention I am crying A LOT… uncontrollable sobbing, Niagra falls of tears rushing down my face.

Not the most fun past few weeks as it feels like I’m experiencing one BIG cycle to make up for all those I have missed. Yet, I am open to anything and reminding me it’s a temporary discomfort.

This weekend, I went to my nephews 1st birthday party. It was adorable to see all the new babies amidst the older siblings playing in the jumpy-set.

A high school friend was there with her husband and twin 11-week old babies. They were absolutely precious and it was such a gift to talk with them. Their journey to these babies has been long and emotional as well. She too has PCOS and shared some wonderful tidbits of what she learned along the way.

I love how openly people are willing and able to speak about their own journey to growing a family and understand the power in sharing.

My desire is for more people share, to give hope and experience while offering an ear to simply listen. The longing for something in life that cannot be controlled is universal. Desiring to meet your life partner, wanting so badly to grow a family, praying for the health of a loved one… these heart’s desires that can’t be fulfilled by ‘willing’ anything to happen.

It’s the practice of patience, trust, and gratitude for what is here now.

I feel like I’m a broken record in all my writing, in all my thinking. I know in my head what is the ‘right’ posture as I journey through my days, yet I let my negativity and dissatisfaction of aspects of my life shadow the beauty.

Caring too much? Thinking too much? Possibly.

My prayer is that through these next few months… (ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

(ok, I’ll start off small)… through this week, I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

I can take my hands off the steering wheel and when I begin to worry or wonder how things will work out, I will instead pray for the miracle of life/lives to begin inside and for my womb to become a safe, healthy place for it/them to grow.

Wanting vs. Enjoying

/ Hilary / Leave a comment

I don’t know if it’s a blessing that I got my period, or now a curse. I can tell I am fighting off the very thing I didn’t want to become consumed by, counting days, checking ovulation, wondering if this is the month we’ll become pregnant.

My husband and I talked about keeping expectations low and I really liked the thought of that… but they keep creeping up and up… will this be the month? Could we actually get pregnant? I even have the thought, “I don’t want to wait another month to try again”.

I laugh at this last thought because I see how normal I am, with other women who are ready for a baby and try for months on end… or years. Month after month, wondering if this is the month. Hopeful with anticipation and then disappointed and sad when the next period comes.

I know, I’m way too far into the future with my thoughts and that is what I need to remind myself of today.

STAY IN THE DAY.

Today.

Not only stay in this present moment, but to also look at the things I have to be grateful for in this moment.

The list consists of:

  • the opportunity to take naps when I want to
  • enjoy a full night’s rest
  • be able to go out on a date night without having to find/pay for a babysitter
  • go skiing for the full day (together)
  • make my schedule around things I would like to do

Although selfish, I can see there is a time and space for this type of lifestyle and once kids come along, all this changes.

I remember having the same thoughts of yearning when I was single, wanting so much to meet my husband. I would write a list of things I was grateful for that I would have in this season… knowing that once I met him, all would change.

Similar with kids. Life as we know it will change and we won’t have this same life again and so it’s important for me to cherish what we have today and embracing each experience we have in this season because once it changes, it changes.

Granted, the change to marriage and the change to having children are wonderful and beautiful with so much richness and growth… and I love how life is always changing. As long as I learn how to enjoy the season of life that I’m in, knowing it will change.

The present. This exact moment, and this exact day is exactly where God wants me to be.

So as we journey through this week, I surrender my desires to God and trust in the plan and timing God has for us to grow our family while practicing gratitude and thanksgiving.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. –Philippians 4:6 NIV

Took 17 years, but I got it!

/ Hilary / 3 Comments

Well, this is one heck of the way to start 2017!

As I’ve written in the past, my body has not produced a period without the help of hormone medicine. I had my first period when I was in 7th grade (12 years old) and would have occasional periods throughout the year, but nothing regular.

When I entered into high school, my periods went away…. for no reason that I am aware of.

Sure, I was a very active person. I was a gymnast and dancer in middle school while playing soccer. When I entered into high school I began playing volleyball year-around and working out consistently. By college, I was a full-blown exercise bulimic and over-eater which only fueled my need to work out more in order to feel good about myself and my body.

Was this the reason for my lack of a period? Maybe.

At the age of 16, I started on birth control, to give myself a period (as recommended by the doctors). I have not had a period on my own, since.

Until yesterday! December 31, 2016, at the age of 33, I got a period!

Where did this come from? I have no idea!

Over the past 10 1/2 years I have been in recovery from food addiction, which has arrested my over-eating and exercise bulimia, but why get a period now?

In December, I went to Bridgeway Church for a SMASH session, also known as Sozo. My reason for going was not to get my period back, but was to reconnect with God in a way that I felt could only be done with prayer. This was my first time engaging in a Sozo and found it to be very freeing.

One thing we did pray over, was my womb. For the blocks to be removed and the ‘locked door’ to become unlocked.

Was this the reason for me getting my period? Maybe.

From December 24th until today, I have been totally relaxed. I unplugged from technology and work for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and enjoyed a leisure book (Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist), napped and cuddled with my husband.

I became sick with a head-cold that following Tuesday and have been resting, slowing down, and not working out (well, this has been the case for about a month due to an expired gym membership) for the past 5 days.

So maybe I got my period because I slowed down and rested. I’m not sure. But I’m certainly not going to try and figure it out. It’s too much energy attempting to answer questions that may not have answers.

Where my mind does go though, is to what many of my friends have told me about their own experience. I have friends who never got their period, got it once, got pregnant, and never got their period again.

You see where I’m going with this, right?

My mind immediately jumps to… oh my gosh, that’s going to be my story! I am so excited. I have not had my period for over 17 years, and now I got it by God’s amazing gifting, and now I’ll get pregnant this month.

Yes, I have already charted out my monthly schedule on my Kindara phone app and have informed my husband of ‘the plan’…

(SIGH)

How quickly my mind can ‘go there’, forgetting that it was not by my doing that brought me this period… and it won’t be by my doing that will get us pregnant.

I need to remain openhanded and hopeful of what is possible, while accepting Gods plan and perfect.

If we get pregnant off this one period, we will rejoice. If we do not get pregnant off this period, we will rejoice.

Either way we are praying for Gods will and  guidance.

Getting a period after all the medicine I’ve tried that didn’t produce a period shows me this:

I’m not in control and God can do miracles.